Awake

sunday morning, coffee cup and cigarette in hand -- ahh, the great american laxative. i'm very awake, very motivated today to do the domestic and mundane chores i need to take care of before dad's day dinner tonight. i'm wearing the T-shirt yogaman left at my place the other night; it smells like him. i've been all kinds of girlie lately.

and all's better since the last post. thanks for the lengthy commentaries to those who indulged my self-indulgence. moved on from it, into the great beyond that lies ahead of any setback. nowadays, i'm trying to steady my focus on the job hunt, as i need a major injection of mulah right about now. (if anyone wants to send me money, feel free.) i have some leads, but my jewish superstitions prevent me from discussing them too openly.

i'm also gearing up for my big birthday party this weekend -- should be a ball -- and monday kicks off my birthday week. that's right, i give myself an entire week to celebrate my life, so i'll be in a good mood for a while. i also have the entire week off from freelance work, which leaves me plenty of time to again do virtually nothing until july, when the dorks in culver city will call me in for more copy-editing. july should also hold a weekend getaway to SF and maybe that trip to new york, if i can squeeze it in somewhere.

shit, this post has been kinda boring, sorry guys.

The Ex-Games

met the ex last night for what was supposed to be our first drinks date as friends. i suggested the idea, figuring it was time, that the four months apart provided enough distance and perspective to have an honest conversation. and as i'm steadfast about not making enemies out of ex's, i wanted to merge us onto the friendship superhighway. so we met up at the bar, exchanged CDs and began our chat, which was incredibly cordial, pleasant, with him telling me about his big trip to asia, me talking about graduation, yadda, yadda. it wasn't all that awkward and the conversation flowed. and in those first 10 minutes, i remembered everything i loved about him; i even thought of giving him a kiss (but didn't).

then something happened. alcohol happened. the honest coversation happened, and then quickly descended into an exercise in cruelty. it started with the best intentions, with us discussing when and why the cracks began to form (when i started school and had no time for him, which only worsened when he started school the following year), how we felt about being single again (both loving it, better at 30 than at 20), where we were in the getting-over-it process (healing, both far along and strong).

and then... i don't know. it got darker as we got drunker, and all the healthy honesty turned into an opportunity to shine a spotlight on all the things we couldn't stand about one another. it was brutal. he turned into a mean drunk, a belligerent ass, and i matched him insult for insult. and wow, what great insight it produced: his mother never liked me; he felt trapped and bored and wanted to end it a year earlier; i never felt the sex was satisfying and thought of cheating on him way before he cheated on me; he thought my writing was cliche; he didn't regret his own cheating and doesn't feel guilty over it; i thought his stories were boring; he thought i nagged him too much.

and trust me, it got MUCH nastier, but those details are not for public consumption. there were some low fucking blows, and i found myself frequently slamming my hand down on the bar table, which startled him, but it was the only thing i could do to keep from slamming it against his face. so i just kept staring at that handsome face of his, looking deep into his hazel eyes, trying to see behind them in hopes of recognizing that man i once fell so hard for. but i couldn't find him. all the tenderness that ever existed between us seemed to vanish, go up in the cigarette smoke we were producing. (ouch, was that a cliche?)

and i hated myself, too -- pissed that i sank into that mode of hurtful one-upmanship. we never said a single nice thing about each other. it was sadistic on both our parts, sitting there from 9pm until the bar closed at 2am, just playing this ping pong game of cruelty, talking about how wonderful our new (sex) lives are. saying all those things better left unsaid not because you'll regret them later, but because they're all true and carry the most punch.

we then spilled onto the street, by now fully wasted, and began a playful tussle. he pushed me, i punched him in the stomach, he put his hands around my throat and gave a squeeze, i just stared him dead in the eye. nothing really gets out of hand; it wasn't a violent exchange, but the intent was clear. we hated each other at that moment.

i come home, throw up and pass out. this morning, i wake up with the biggest hangover, my body dehydrated, my belly full of anger. i cuddled with juice for a bit, easily the best thing that came out of that four-year relationship. she's all i have, all i need.

i've been a mess all day, canceling my plans and just staying in, processing. it's set me back some. i IMed with pablo this morning, and we both apologized for our vitriolic behavior last night, coughing it up to the alcohol. we agreed not to speak or see one another for a long while.

but it's ok, all this bloodletting. i think it'll get me closer to the next level, where i can really let it all go. (new mantra lately has been 'detach and be free.') perhaps it was too soon to meet and try to be friends, but i thought we were ready. four months out, i really do feel strong and solid. there's no longing or desire to have him or the relationship back, hasn't been for a while. i understand the whys and hows of our split, and am very much enjoying the new life i've carved out for myself. i don't doubt all this.

yet i still need some closure. i guess it'll come with time, even though my rational mind wants it now. last night did much to diminish the sentimental love i still carried in my heart for him, but it shouldn't have happened that way. i don't want to replace that love with anger. my heart has hardened enough. i want to love without fear and live without baggage. a healthy life.

Hooray for June

i loves me my birthday month, and if you're local and we're tight, expect an invitation to my birthday party, scheduled for the last weekend of this month. i will be 28 and, oddly, this fact doesn't bother me much. i had my oh-my-god-i'm-getting-old freakout when i turned 24 and realized that i wasn't the new kid on the block anymore and that MTV slang now escaped me. that also marked my final year in the coveted 18-24 demographic, with the realization that i would now be grouped with people in their -- gasp! -- thirties in my new box: 25-34. well, it hasn't been so bad after all. things only seem to improve with age, largely because you quit sweating the small stuff and learn to trust life and yourself to take care of what's important. at least that's how it's been for me. i can only hope that my 30th birthday will come and go just as seamlessly (though i have a feeling it will make me panic a bit).

anyhow, not all that much is new. spent the week copyediting. partied some, have had trouble sleeping these past few weeks. the bad news is that juice has been sick all weekend. not sure what she ate, but i came home from work on friday to discover a ruined armchair and the realization that i would have to spend the evening in mopping every square inch of my hardwood floors. twas a nasty sight and she's still not fully recovered.

on saturday, i attended the wedding of my best friend's little sister. strange to see her all grown up and getting married, when i can still remember torturing her in grade school, a fact she constantly reminds me of, saying that i used to throw food at her in the school cafeteria. funny thing is that i caught the bouquet at her wedding, something that's never happened to me before at any wedding. but when i looked up, the flowers were racing right toward me like a bullet and just seemed to land in my hand.

saturday was also the birthday of three very special people who deserve shout-outs. so best of birthday wishes go to mr. david williams, the bestest boss in the world, a dude i like more with each passing day and year that we know each other (how 'bout that raise now, dave?); ms. sharon mor, my estranged israeli soul sister who's living a fabulous life in SF while i miss her terribly back here in LA; and ms. ann dela cruz, an old friend from high school who's still a friend indeed.

Fun with Firearms

i have this great photo essay already prepared with shots from my graduation and from the little soiree i had at my house last week with the annenbergirlies, but for some reason, each time i try to post, only broken links show up. i already sent blogger peeps a note wondering what the hell was going on, as i've posted photos up here before without incident numerous times. i'm still awaiting a response.

but in the meantime, i figured i would throw something up here because i promised myself i would blog 2-3x/wk. ha. so, what's been going on? well, still mostly nothing. been copy editing with my favorite dorks in culver city all last week and that will continue into this and next week.

the most interesting thing about that is that my bossman and the art director took me to the firing range on sunday to shoot some GUNS. wow, what a trip. i had never shot a gun before. it's really a singular experience that's hard to describe; it's like a bomb going off in your hand. when i fired for the first time, i had to stop and step back, thinking there was no way i could continue with it. but once i got over the initial discomfort of being around armed people in an enclosed space, i went to town and did pretty well hitting my paper target. i shot about six different handguns -- four different bullet types: .22, .38, .357 and .45 -- and learned their various parts and how to load each weapon. by the end i had broken a bunch of nails and was covered in lead and gun powder, but i was also kinda high. i felt the testosterone coursing through my veins; felt pretty damn butch.

and why am i playing with firearms, you ask? well, i've been giving some thought to getting a weapon for home defense. poor, helpless single girl like myself living in a one-story guesthouse with no bars on the windows needs some sense of security, however false. i've awoken in a panic numerous nights when i've heard a heavy-pawed animal making its way to my doorstep. it's sounded just like human footsteps on grass and it's freaked me out. i'm not sure i'm gonna actually get one. my (limited) money would probably be better spent on an iPod. i'm conflicted with it all. i mean, i'm a friggin democrat. so it's still under consideration. if anyone has valuable feedback, drop me a line or comment.

otherwise, life has been lovely. still feeling good post-grad, done a bit more yardwork and have either seen or spoken to people i've been meaning to catch up with for quite some time. i anticipate that the coming few weeks will hold more of the same, which is fine by me.

Afloat in Something

the week's end finds me well, still all smiles and levity, though i have gravitated back down to earth some following last week's apex. did virtually nothing all week. saw some people, partied like a rock star, and otherwise meandered through my days with no real sense of purpose. monday means business, though, as i have freelance work lined up for next week, which means money and that i need to keep my wits about me. after this much-needed week of rest, i'm looking forward to being productive again. i have milked this nothingness for all i could, so getting serious again feels welcome right about now. well, maybe i could use another week of this (maybe a month?), but with rent day fast approaching, i have no choice but to exit fantasyland.

and speaking of exits, we have another harem update to provide. just as expected, O. is out, and that's very unfortunate. simply put, he found someone else he liked more and far be it for me to stop his pursuit of her. we had a good run, though, and enjoyed many pleasant evenings together. he will be missed, but could boomerang back into the picture again at a later date. it was all good, no hard feelings or intense sense of loss surrounding the situation. and i'm sure we'll continue knowing each other in some capacity. but for the time being, i can certainly understand the need to move on in search of other horizons. so i bid goodbye to ori -- who i know is reading this -- and offer my most sincere best wishes going forward. mwa.

and then there was one: yogaman. so terribly el-lay to be seeing my yoga instructor, but that's what it is, how it goes. so far, so good. it's mellow, pleasant and hey, i get discounted yoga now. i think i'm going to float here for a little bit, take maybe a few weeks off from the dating to regroup and better focus my energies on other parts of my life. and truthfully, it can be a little overwhelming at times, this juggling. these past few weeks of overlap between O. and yogaman did present some challenges. it's not that i have any immediate intention of rejoining the monogamous, i just need to find my rhythm, get in a groove where things are simpler. it'll happen.

in the meantime, i did have a date this past monday, and there's potential there, and i have another date planned for the weekend, but i'd rather just place these on the back burner, file them under 'save for later.' even though i have all the time in the world lately, managing all this is like a job that demands more time than i'd like to give it. but all things considered, it's definitely been worth it, and i have not a single regret.

Sank Into Nothingness

i did nothing this past weekend and it felt fantabulous -- so good that it gave me the power to create new words. and when i say nothing, i mean it. i didn't even get into my car once over the weekend, had little contact with the outside world, save a few phone calls, didn't go out in the evenings or do anything else that would really be considered productive. ok, i cleaned out my desk from two years' school shit, so that was kind of productive, but that's it, i swear.

most other moments were spent either sleeping or sitting on my ass cruising the internet. (i need new websites to patronize if anyone has suggestions, i'm bored with my lot.) i cooked every meal at home. i also watched the entire second season of 'the office' on DVD (hilarious) while smoking bowls and drinking wine, juice on my lap. that's the other big thing i've been doing: spending QT with the juice via long walks through the neighborhood or trips to the dog park. but other than that -- nothing. no papers to write, deadlines to meet or crap to read for class.

so after my big weekend of nothing, i'm slowly transitioning back into the somethings. yesterday saw my landlord and i spending the day in my backyard, trimming the hedge and pruning the overgrown tree. i'm going to try my hand at gardening. i must say it's very zen pulling weeds out, and i'm planning on spending considerable time out there making pretty flowers grow. i'm also going to clean my house from floor to ceiling this week and fill up my social calendar with either dates or visits with old friends whom i've not seen in some time. oh yeah, i guess i should start the job hunt, too. nah, maybe next week.

I've Done Gone and Gradumacated

yippee!!!!!!! today was the big day, big big big. the culmination of two years' hard work. all the blood, sweat and tears that have stained my mouse pad over the stress that was graduate school finally paid off, and i feel fabulous. light as a feather, free as a bird, happy as a clam and every other positive-spun cliche you can think of. i could barely sleep last night in anticipation of today, and when that alarm went off i popped out of bed alert, electric, excited. the day moved pretty quickly, and parts of it felt surreal. i went to lunch after the ceremony with my parents and aunt, and could barely focus on what was being said. i just kept looking up at the cloudless sky; i felt like it was mine today. just kept looking up and over to the horizon, wanted to see what's behind it. that's where i'm headed.

i know by monday the best stuff will likely have waned and the realization that i'm just unemployed and 20K in the hole will start to sink in. and i know that ultimately this fancy degree means nothing. it's up to me to make my life work and i don't need a degree to do it. all i need is to steady my drive and work toward a goal. it's been crystallizing. these past few weeks have made miracles happen. all the tumult of the first half of the year suddenly seems justified. it's molded me, bringing me to this point where i'm on my own, in total control and incredibly lucid. i get it now. and the second half will be mine to mold. and the one thing i'll never do again is doubt my instincts, for they are my compass.

in other news, today marks my one-year anniversary as a blogger with blogspot.com. and this here is my 100th post. funny, a year ago today i was preparing for my big summer in europe, my grand internship with voice of america in london. oddly, i wouldn't want to go back there and switch places with today. having graduated feels better, less uncertain in some strange way.

and thank you, kind friends and strangers who've been sticking it out, reading this shit for the past year, laughing at me, with me as i embarass myself time and again in this public space. i promise to offer you more entertainment at my expense -- with all this new time on my hands, i'm sure to while some of it away here. and yes, with all this new time, if you find yourself in need of a copyeditor, a drinking buddy, an activities partner, whatever, just drop me a line. i'll be happy to oblige. and now if you'll excuse me, i'm going to have a beer while reveling in the fact that i have NOTHING to do.

booyah!

Static Electricity

...electricity that consists of isolated motionless charges (as those produced by friction)

everything is weird again, but in the best possible way. graduation is on friday and now, on tuesday, i'm all stir crazy. turned in the LAST two college papers of my life. feeling pretty damn good, smiles are finding their way onto my face again. i've got mumbo jumbo inside, too many competing forces at play. it's a scattered energy that's bouncing me all around my house with no real purpose or focus. i do, then stop, then ponder, then start again and finish, then move on. everything looks fresh. it's like i can feel the earth spinning and myself spin with it. i've gotten dizzy a few times. it's a bloodless upheaval within, a velvet revolution. i'm walking around electric, looking everyone in the eye; i can sense the inherent energy in even the smallest things around me and somehow connect. i'm tapped into the ground even though my head is in the clouds. i feel alive, alert, enchanted by the world again. in short, i'm feeling fucking fantastic as graduation approaches. it's a euphoria that borders on the delusional. joy is driving me crazy for a change. it's making me want to run up and hug strangers. i feel like i'm on ecstacy.

so yes, things are good. better than good. lots of possibility and opportunity on the horizon. oases up ahead. the job search: blah blah. i imagine it'll take about a month or six weeks to get there. in the interim, i'm going to enjoy each day off while i send out those resumes. and i'm trying to plan a weekend jaunt to san francisco soon. if anyone (Zee?) wants to drive up with me, do let me know.

harem update: i know this is the real reason anyone bothers with this thing anymore. haven't been on too many dates in recent times, and the guys responding to my profile lately seem like losers. i'm going to be proactive again real soon. O., my one steady in rotation, is still in rotation, but that might be winding down soon, or maybe it's just reaching its natural baseline, it's hard to say at this point. there's been no great calamities with it, it's just a matter responding to the curve balls life throws at you. i hope to maintain it, but we'll see how it turns out. and we may have another contender to throw into the fire, but it's also too soon to tell. it would be great if it worked out. he not from the personals; he's actually someone from real life whom i've had my eye on for quite some time. we've begun to hang out in recent weeks. he has many great attributes, including a killer body sculpted by eight years of yoga. yum.

i'm doing quite well managing all this, better than i thought i would. it's so easy for me to detach from people and situations. it's almost scary and kind of sad. it's not a matter of consciously playing the hide-your-heart game; now it's just reflex for me. i give nothing away, show no vulnerability. maybe the metamorphosis is complete -- have i become a man? i'm (thankfully) not doing all the girlie things i once did, like waiting around for phone calls or having elaborate daydreams about the guy. i'm not swooning, and i'm virtually impossible to impress. i'm just going with the flow, moving forward with zero expectations, taking everything for face value. and that feels great as well -- liberating to be this footloose and fancy-free. nothing is so hot and heavy anymore. so much better to be light and airy. the lightness of being isn't that unbearable.

Light, Tunnel, Action

so close now, just nine days shy of graduation. still have two papers to finish by this weekend, and a bunch of finals to grade for my TAship. still feeling a little funky, but less so than before. it's funny -- after i wrote that big 'aaaaaagh' entry, i went to bed and woke up the next morning feeling refreshed. hope this reprieve is lengthy. it's been coming in waves; my moods can last for weeks. maybe it's my cancerous nature or maybe it's my subpar reaction to circumstance. but for the present, i'm floatin, and rather contently.

had the funniest of dates last saturday. this guy (S.) has been pestering me for about a month to meet him, always at the most inopportune times. he would just send random IMs at all hours saying 'let's meet right now.' he never wanted to plan a date, it would have to be spontaneous. so i followed my impulse, as i often do, and met him in the middle of the day. what a character he was. not sure if it was the 100-degree heat or midday bloody marys, but i found him quite amusing. he was full of nervous energy, which often wrecks my vibe, but i felt quite relaxed. he insisted that we whisper our conversation because he's always paranoid that someone else will be listening in because he always listens in on other people's conversations. so we had to scoot in and talk quietly as he rubbed his thigh against mine while asking the most inappropriate questions, telling the most bizarre stories and constantly fidgeting around. he had a weird thing with pheromones and spent considerable time trying to sniff me. i was just laughing. he was super strange, but in a nonthreatening, wholly entertaining kind of way. i ducked out after about an hour and he's been pestering me for another meeting since. not sure that i'll have another impulse for it, but i may just do it again for another cheap laugh.

in other news, i made my contribution to a safer society by getting an HIV test -- negative. now that i've re-entered the risky, slutty world of (internet) dating, i figure it's only right to be conscientious of these things. even though i didn't really have cause for alarm, that waiting for the results, man, so grueling. anyone's who has lasted through it knows what i mean. your head can create all kinds of unlikely scenarios for infection. i felt queasy until the nurse lady put that paper in my hand -- negative -- and then i felt exhilirated. wanted to staple that paper onto my forehead.

i used to think that that was the worst part of being single, the not really knowing where your partners have been, but after being cheated on, i'm not sure of that anymore. the worst part of it all, for me, has had more to do with the little things: the struggle to open a jar, carrying a 40-pound bag of dog food in from the car, killing spiders perched in high places -- stuff like that. the other stuff i've come to enjoy: walking into an empty house where all my shit's my way, sleeping spread-eagle in the center of the bed (well, juice usually thwarts that plan), and, of course, being accountable to only myself.

and yes, for those wondering, i now have full custody of the juice. ex and i were doing joint custody initially, poor doggy of divorce, but now she's all mine, the way she should be. kids are usually better off staying with the mother; plus, she always loved me more. ha!

Germ's 30th B-day Bash in Santa Barbara

time for another photo essay, this one commemorating the 30th birthday celebration of Mr. Jeremy (aka "germ"), easily one of my most favorite people on the planet. good times were had by all. thanks go to Zee and Nick for driving my ass up to and then down from Santa Barbara last saturday and for providing great car-ride conversation.


the future's so bright: as much as i hated working for PR Newswire San Francisco, it did endow me with the two lovelies you see flanking me here. Germ was my boss and the one who hired me in 1999; Zee was my coworker across the pod. nights of drunken shoptalk were commonplace among us three.


the woman behind...errr...next to the man: as much as i adore my jewish soul brother, he is a taken man, and here he is with his lovely wife heather, who deserves a medal with dealing with his royal moodiness. she's pretty rockin on her own, too.


was it cold out?: we all wondered why jeremy's cake had nipples.


hot, hot, zee(na)t: Ms. Zeenat Burns is a hottie, by the way.


slurp: she's so hot i couldn't keep my lips off her.


slurpier: nor jeremy apparently.


posers: Zee's man, Nick, and I throw down our whitebread gang signs.


happy homeboy: jeremy finds happiness at 30, giving hope to the rest of us.