The Broken Rod in My Back

my sexy spine

i know how dramatic this sounds. i’ve seen enough dropped jaws when i’ve told friends that “my doctor said one of the rods in my back broke” to know i must follow it up immediately with, “but i’m OK. really.” and i am OK. really. 

there is no pain — most of the time. and the pain that i do feel some of the time is no different than the pain most people with bad backs have some of the time. in that sense, the broken rod in my back is a lackluster piece of metal, operating well below its full potential when considering how much damage it can do. the orthopedic surgeon i recently visited assured me that it could be much worse and that i should consider myself lucky. and i do.

i found out a few months ago during a checkup at the Cedars-Sinai Spine Center. i hadn’t had my backed checked in 10 years, which is dumb considering i had my spine fused 15 years ago and probably could have benefited from routine checkups. but orthopedic surgeons are like dentists to me: administrators of childhood pain that produced life-long scars who must be dodged for years with lofty excuses.

i had had scoliosis since puberty, and by the time i entered young adulthood, the curvature reached a 42-degree angle. the surgeon said i would need to correct it eventually, so three days after my 22^nd birthday, he made a 13-inch incision down the center of my back to add titanium rods along my spine that would fuse with bone chips “shaved” off my pelvis.

i was in the hospital for five nights, hooked up to a morphine drip, in a back brace for months and had to undergo intense physical therapy to get mobile again. (read the full story here.) in short, it was hell and a half, the worst physical pain of my life that made me contemplate suicide for the only time in my life. just thinking about that pain now makes me want to vomit and pass out, like i did countless times back then.

fast forward to now and the three rods have become four. maybe three and a half, as the piece is less broken off and free-floating than it is bent and hanging. it never fused with my bone or back, leaving that area unsupported, which could become problematic for me down the road. doc said it didn’t snap violently (i would have felt that), but weakened gradually by years of normal activity. he likened it to breaking a paper clip by bending it repeatedly at a certain point until it eventually gives way.


i am officially part of the “failed fusion” crowd. the surgeon said it happens in about 10% of cases.

so my rod gave way. i don’t know when it happened, probably years ago. no, you can’t feel the broken rod with your hand so quit trying to lift my shirt and touch my back, sicko. however, i can feel the broken rod from time to time. it creates a crunching sensation when i move a certain way that feels like two bones grinding against each other. this is not particularly painful, nor is it pleasant, so i try to minimize its occurrence, but the truth is i feel it several times a week. 

on days when i’ve done a lot of heavy lifting, moving furniture or gardening, i feel a small circle of pain at the broken point of the rod, and when i saw the area on the X-ray, i could locate it easily on my back. i’ve felt this pain for years, but it never reached debilitating levels so i would do a few stretches and carry on.

and i must still carry on as this issue does not have an magic solution. initially, i wanted the rod reattached with an operation. i read about the minimally invasive surgical breakthroughs made since my butcher job 15 years ago and knew they could go in through the belly button with a microscope for a quick procedure that would require only one night in the hospital and a few weeks of recovery.

after i suggested it, the surgeon called me crazy in the nicest way possible and then told me i was the only patient who ever walked into his office asking for an operation. he held up the sheet i had to fill out before every appointment, the one measuring my pain level from a 1 to 10. he pointed to all the 1s, saying “it’s not an issue until it’s an issue.” then he pointed to the waiting room full of 10s, a throng of aching and mangled bodies who looked like they were pulled from a freeway pileup. they always made me uneasy with their walkers, canes and groans, as i springed past them effortlessly, feeling a little guilty but mostly lucky not to be them.

doc said that having a needless surgery could create new pains and problems so i better accept my good fortune and work on maintaining it. and after the (crazy expensive) CT scan that showed more than the standard X-ray, he said the surgery i might need would be like the first one, but far worse.

apparently, the last surgeon (now deceased) should have extended the rods all the way to my neck instead of stopping midway down my back, because the area where he stopped is developing arthritis due to the stress on those upper vertebrae to support the bottom half of my spine. so the best corrective surgery for me at this point would cut my entire back open, remove the old rods and insert new ones from neck to tailbone.

hearing him say it made me shaky and nauseous. not gonna happen again. no fucking way.


CT scan of my back. on the other side of where the rod ends, about midway up my spine, the vertebrae are a little lighter, indicating arthritis. 

with that, i took his prescription for physical therapy and order to “get fit and stay that way” to heart. i would need to lose weight and strengthen my core in an effort to stave away the arthritis and chronic pain that are my certain future. to that end, i joined a gym close to my work and did the unthinkable by actually going.

there, i learned how to use all these nifty core strengthening machines that made my back feel bionic. weirder still is that i actually enjoyed the visits and felt grouchy when i hadn’t exercised in a while. not that i’m close to becoming a gymrat or ms. fitness USA, but i’m happy to spend less time on my couch eating bon-bons and watching soap operas.


taken on my first day of physical therapy. my favorite part was the heat packs and massages from the therapist, which helped me pretend i was in a spa instead of a gym.

Tico and i have also begun playing tennis regularly at our local court. despite its graffiti, i have affectionately renamed it “the country club,” calling Tico “Wellington” while we’re there and asking him to call me “Penelope.” he just rolls his eyes and runs me all over the court. we make sure to drink Perrier after.

in addition, i have been steadfast in my refusal of meat since February, helping to ensure that my diet consists mostly of fresh fish and veggies (and an occasional Twix bar). this has translated into a whopping 10 pounds of weight loss since the start of the year. normally, i would rejoice at this amount as i’ve been trying to lose “that final 10” since birth, but i’ve noticed that the 10 has turned into 20 – and probably 30 if i’m honest with myself, but let me keep the deception going a bit longer.


illustrations of some of my core conditioning exercises, courtesy of Tico

sadly, the weight has been coming off slooooowly, thanks to my aging metabolism and penchant for being lazy, but it will come off this time. having a medical imperative forces me take this seriously. i don’t want to become one of those aching, mangled bodies in my surgeon’s waiting room and i certainly don’t want a repeat of that first surgery.

but don’t worry, i won’t become one of those needy people who tracks her weight loss and food online or checks into the gym weekly on Facebook. nor will there be some big bikini reveal at the end of this, as i don’t know photoshop. what there will be is rather dull: a better diet, more exercise and, hopefully, a healthy back that i’ll be able to use well into old age. 

now if you’ll excuse me, i need to go do some situps.

Annual

it’s that time of year again, the time when i immortalize the things i likely won’t do on the tubes of the internets. it’s a weird one this time, because 2012 was a fantastic year that will be hard to top — so hard i almost don’t want to try. i spent most of it floating through the months buoyantly, unwrapping each day like a gift. not since 2008 (the year i bought my house) have i enjoyed such a great year with more highs than lows. of course, i hope 2013 wows me as well, but i’m tempering expectations. something about lightning striking twice.

on the whole, i think i had moderate success keeping last year’s resolutions. i made fairly healthy decisions, particularly with men as evidenced by my lack of one. at least i didn’t distract myself with unhealthy dalliances, choosing the solitary route instead, which surprised me with its many hidden benefits.

i also maintained a mostly pescetarian diet until that trip to Italy ruined everything with its scrumptious salami. debt reduction did not go entirely as planned, though i managed to cut my house debt by a third instead of the half i was aiming for, which was probably unrealistic anyway. the getting published thing went pretty well, with that whole New York Times thing happening in addition to an album review on the GEEK website.

as in other years, i made a lengthy list offline about the things i hope to accomplish, which read more like a list of bad habits than resolutions. they included such things as “get better about buying gifts for people” and “wash dishes every night.” the usual suspects also made their appearance, with debt reduction, regular exercise, getting published and flossing daily noted. of course, i should also meditate consistently, be a better friend and daughter, lube up my brain with more books in addition to starting a career as a weekend crime-fighter. but i think i’ll just focus on these instead:

• love: it feels silly to write this as i don’t think love can (or should) be achieved like a bullet point on an agenda, but i’m doing it anyway. it’s time for the real thing — for the next one to be the last one. i’m sure admitting this makes me suddenly irresistible to every man, because fewer things are more appealing than a marriage-minded woman who refuses to change her last name for you and can hear her ovaries crying. to avoid being a total cliche, i’ve joined okcupid (“okstupid,” as i’ve been calling it) over jdate. expect bad date stories to start peppering this blog and hopefully making it interesting for once.  

• work: i can’t keep riding my own tailcoats forever. time to produce more than one great byline to tell everyone about. there will also be a book that chronicles the best of the first year of Haiku Wednesdays, the group i founded on Facebook, in addition to the work i do with GEEK (hope to also get a byline in the print mag this year) and my other standing clients. because work = money = debt reduction = freedom.

• house: this is the year for landscaping, goddamnit. it is also the five-year anniversary of being a homeowner, which makes five years of calling various lenders and brokers to see about refinancing, only to be told to call next year when there is less likelihood of being underwater. with the remodel done and home values rebounding ever so slighty, this should be the year when i lock into a lower interest rate.

• heart: i’m as nice as the next person (whatever that means), but there were a number of times last year when the bitch in me escaped from her cage. every instance was followed by apologies, regret and a vow to myself that i would be more restrained the next time i felt the most perfectly cruel words reaching my lips. now it’s time to make good by considering the following buddhist-esque questions every time the urge to say something bitchy strikes: is it honest: is it humble; is it kind? (i think the real buddhist maxim includes “is it necessary”? but nothing i say beyond “please” and “thank you” is really necessary so i’m not including that.)
  
  i don’t struggle with honesty, which is often part of the problem. humility is tricky as i’m full of needless pride that seems impossible to chip away at. i’m trying not to tempt the universe into giving me (another) epic beatdown by doing the job myself. and my kindness is fairly consistent until it lapses, at which point i’m reminded that i’m still far from being the person i want to be. so i will continue to remind myself before i speak: is it kind? is it kind? is it kind?

i also need to work on letting myself show vulnerability to more than just the five or so people i allow to see me without my armor, though as the years pass, this notion seems more unlikely. i’d like to say i’ll keep working on it but i doubt it.

overall, i feel strong going into this year, having finally put the identity crises away. it only took 36 years, but i’m mostly cozy with who i am (the bitch issue notwithstanding) and can cope better with the insecurities that do remain. i’d like to say i wouldn’t change a thing about everything it took to get here, but that’s untrue. there is plenty i’d do differently, none of which is worth harping on. instead, i’ll toast to the new year, roll up my sleeves and get to work.

Annual

greetings, 2012! i’m sure you will pass in a flash in the same way other years have provided you don’t end the world in a flash as some have predicted you will. for the record, i don’t think you will. i do think you’ll continue to shake things up as your brethren have in recent years, though i don’t think you’ll be as dramatic and i really hope we can be friends. i’ve always preferred even-numbered years anyway. did i mention how great your hair looks today?

are you as excited as i am about the places we’ll go and things we’ll do together? i’ve got big plans for us, plans that you will surely unravel and replace with your own machinations against the backdrop of mocking laughter, but as our time together is still undefined don’t ruin my reveries yet, ok?

before we look ahead, let’s look back at last year’s resolutions, which i did ok with overall. i certainly did much in the way of “fixing the damn house.” i also tried to “be a better friend” by being more available and hopefully did ok with the people closest to me. i did a piss poor job at “taking writing holidays” but made up for it by taking a few writing classes, which did produce some work. sadly, i am not fully “regular with my meditation practice” so this resolution will again appear on this year’s list.

it is a long list this year, one i started drafting in my offline journal back in november. that list had 12 very detailed resolutions that are too personal to be replicated here, though they appear in sanitized and abbreviated form below. it seems i have a lot of self-improvement to do. no surprises there.

• make healthy choices: this is really the biggie where all roads begin and end. it touches everything — from food, friends, men, work and leisure time. i’ve come to understand that doing the right thing is often the hardest thing to do, but that should never be a reason not to do it. so from now on, i will do what is right even when i don’t want to, which is nearly always.

• speaking of health: turning 35 was far worse than turning 30 in terms of that whole Aging Rapidly thing. i have to get a grip on this and plan to in the form of another meatless february (and maybe longer if i can muster the resolve), juicing regularly, meditating daily instead of only weekly, exercising three times a week, going to bed early, flossing every night and drinking the blood of virgins to attain immortality.

• debt reduction: this one will be tough but the plan is to cut my debt in half by year’s end. (but if the world does end in 2012, i’ll be so pissed i didn’t take that money to a tropical island instead.) my tax refund and work bonuses should help me with this goal as long as building the deck doesn’t run wildly away from the budget, and i’m sure it won’t. (hahahahaha!)

• publish or perish: i had been kicking myself the last few weeks of 2011 for not getting a single thing published all year and i refuse to be in the same boat when a meteor hits the earth this december. i simply must see my name in the bright lights of the internet (beyond this blog), and i plan to by being diligent about writing and submitting, while casting aside my deep, dark, paralyzing fear of rejection.

• don’t sweat the small stuff: i’m pretty good with this already, though i still find myself clinging to a few pet peeves that drive me absolutely bonkers. a few that kept coming up in 2011, particularly with the home remodel, involved being given unsolicited advice and being babied. these obviously speak to a larger control issue that resists people trying to take care of me for fear that it makes me seem incompetent. it’s lame and i need to get over it. i also need to get better at asking for help instead of isolating myself when i’m facing challenges.

i sense that this year will center largely on work and health for me more than anything else. i’m not sure why and i’m not thrilled about it as i’d rather put the focus on love and travel. i’m sure there will be a little of those sprinkled in as well, but not as the main event. i’m simply too focused on my other goals. now if you’ll excuse me, i need to get to work.

35

seems like it was just yesterday that i was turning 30 and having a panic about it, and here comes 35 barreling toward me, reminding me that it could be so much worse. “wait until you turn 40,” i can hear my older friends saying, to which i reply, “ok, i’ll wait.”

of course, i know this birthday doesn’t have to be a thing unless i make it a thing, and clearly i am making it a thing. which doesn’t mean that i’m making it a bad thing. but i do rely on my birthday as a midyear checkpoint of sorts, a time when i take inventory, re-evaluate my goals, review the past year and prepare for the next one.

six months from now, i’ll be doing the same thing around the holidays, though i’ll likely add in a few laments about the cruelty of time, the solitude of winter and how i can’t stop eating all the fruitcake left around the office.

goal-wise, i think i am doing ok. not great, not horrible, but about average. long-time readers may remember a list of goals i made around my 30th birthday — and dumbly immortalized on this blog — that i intended to accomplish by 40, a list i review every year, cringing. it’s replicated below, with notes made in italics.

• have a kid! maybe even two (three tops). maybe this won’t play out completely perfectly, maybe you’ll need to visit the sperm bank when you hit your “scary age” but have a kid at some point, even if it’s just one, because from the outside, parenthood looks interesting, exhausting, otherworldly and definitely worth knowing.
  let’s jump directly to the heavy stuff, eh? yeah, this one is tough because, halfway through my thirties, i’ve never felt further from this goal. parenthood is still very much something i want to experience, and intend to, but the hows and whens of this are still a mystery. thankfully, i’m not quite near the point of panic yet, despite my “advanced maternal age,” so i’ll continue to save this for later.

• don’t get married just to have a kid or just to be married. honor the promise you made to yourself regarding marriage — that you’ll do it only if it feels absolutely right in your bones, your blood and your brain. and even then reconsider.
  still happily unmarried, so i’m doing great with this one. my dad said to me the other week, “i don’t think you’ll ever get married. but not because you can’t, but because you don’t want to.” and he’s absolutely right. of course, i could be persuaded if circumstances rearranged themselves, but i would never force it. and yes, you nosy bastards, i am still seeing the costa rican cutie, but i’m not telling the internet anything (yet).

• write a friggin book! or two or ten. find the time and discipline and just write already. potential without action is worthless. publish or perish, bitch.
  shut up, slut! i’m working on it. sort of. ok, not really. fuck, i need to get on this. thanks for making me hate myself. but i know i’ll hate myself even more if i never really try to make it as a writer. to this end, i have enrolled in writing classes this year, which i’m hoping will force me to finally put the internet away so i can tackle the blank page.

• quit being negative. we’ve gone over this before.
  yes, we have and i’m sooooo much better. all that meditation mumbo jumbo has really turned me into a pollyannish LA asshole. my moods and restlessness are much more manageable now. and on those rare instances when i do feel them running away from me, there’s always cheesecake.

• recognize that everything that’s happened up to this moment, whether good or bad, is not as important as what happens after this moment. remind yourself every day that the past does not have to impact the future.
  yep, yep, yep.

• get better at buying your own bullshit if you expect other people to.
  this is lousy advice that will be removed from this list. there should be no bullshit being bought and sold, because belief in myself should not be based on bullshit. it should be based on self-delusion.

• buy some property. g-d ain’t making any more real estate. and then sell the property. paper equity is not as good as money in the bank.
  hurray for homeownership, though i’m not selling anytime soon.

• dogs. have more.
  as this was written in pre-Pinko days, i’d say i’m on track with this one. and i don’t doubt there will be more dogs in my future.

• all that adult shit that your pops has been telling you about for years — saving for retirement, insuring everything, maintaining good credit — subscribe to it. also, eradicate all student debt by 40.
  adult shit is in really good shape, with special thanks owed to that day jobby in finance i’ve been working at for the past six years. my credit is solid, my retirement is being saved for, and my debts are being eradicated (as long as we don’t count all that new home remodel debt i’m about to accrue).

• prepare for deaths in the family. you aren’t the only one who’s aging.
  ok, but we don’t need to talk about that now.

• don’t bother with people you don’t care for, tasks you don’t need to do and situations you’d rather not be in. you have the freedom to politely excuse yourself from all of them. up until you have that kid, your greatest obligation is to yourself.
  that is some solid, selfish advice. fuck ‘em all and get me a table for one!

my birthday weekend was nothing short of fucking awesome this year. i spent the days leading up to the annual party at the salon getting a haircut, facial and pedi. i did some shopping, met good friends for brunch and then enjoyed a rocking good time at a local bar where i didn’t have to clean up the mess the next day. and on the sunday of my actual birthday, i slept away my hangover, enjoyed a 90-minute afternoon massage and was taken to dinner by my parents. it was picture perfect in every way. photos to come.

Annual

as the saying goes, another day, another dollar, and another year, another broken resolution. still, i keep making them, hoping against hope that i can rid myself of a few pesky bad habits that cling to me like leeches. hopefully i will score points just for trying. as they also say: it’s the thought that counts.

though when i consider last year’s list of resolutions, my track record doesn’t seem that bad. out of the four things i promised to do, i actually did 1) take better care of my health in the form of a meatless month, a semi-regular exercise regiment and the undergoing of many stress-relieving and, of course, medically necessary massages; i also did 2) work as much as possible, and oftentimes too much, which i fear has turned me into a bit of a workaholic.

sadly, i did not 3) spend less time in front of my computer or 4) become a prolific writer. in fact, i became a lazier one, no doubt because of all the time i wasted in front of my computer not writing.

thankfully, i have another year to make things right, to get closer to the person i want to be, as another saying goes. and though that person is much younger, thinner and smarter than i’ll ever be, she’s also someone who keeps her new year’s resolutions. as yet another saying goes (last one, promise): if not now, when? finally, i have an answer — january 1, which is when the following list of healthy new habits will take effect and transform my life into something AMAZING:

• fix the damn house: lots to do on this front. short list includes replacing a few windows, finally adding closet doors to the bedrooms, converting the garage into a rental and a completely remodeling the exterior. as i intend to continue working as much as possible, i hope i can afford to make some of these happen.

• be a better friend: i don’t think i’ve been horrible in this department, but i have been incredibly self-involved all year — even more so than usual. obviously, part of it was me taking time to deal with what i needed to deal with, but i fear that all that time alone has made me terribly insular so much so that i’ve been unavailable to the people i care about. well, no more, cherished friends! next year, i will totally come to your party and reply to your emails and even help you move. (well, some of you.)

• take writing holidays: in my neverending quest to become prolific, or at least semi-regular with my writing, i vow to take a few out-of-town trips that will be solely devoted to writing — not just this blog but something substantial, something book-like. to this end, i shall make sure whatever hotel i stay in does not have internet access to distract me with things like Facebook, which means i’ll end up writing in a Travelodge in Oxnard. but at least i’ll be writing. in an alternate universe, i would be able to write at home, but the dogs, the dishes, the friends, the laundry — i always find a reason not to.

• meditate and shit: i’m nowhere near regular with this either, and i need to get regular. it’s sort of like the gym, where i hate going in, but am so happy i did when i come out. (not that i ever go to the gym, but you know what i mean.) thankfully, i have a meditation center very close to my house to help me with this one. i intend to become a regular there. it will be my gym.

• the usual suspects: as with past years, i will continue to take better care of my health, to work more, to pay down debt and hit my savings goals, to be a good dog mom and a good daughter (in addition to being a better friend), to keep evolving and growing, living and learning, laughing and loving, screaming and shouting, rocking and rolling.

Annual

oh hello, blog. how are you? i am fine, thanks for asking. i know it’s been a long time since i’ve given you proper attention. i have a lot of excuses for neglecting you for so long, but none of them are any good.

sure, i’ve been keeping busy with freelance work, some socializing, and a few lazy days of reading in bed and watching Jersey Shore online. it’s been a lovely reprieve, to be sure, but one i must snap out of because i have many things i want to write about. there’s that roadtrip from september i need to finish chronicling and some home improvements i need to detail. plus, there are Deep Thoughts i want to discuss.

let’s start now with some Deep Thoughts on the new year, shall we? 2009 was lousy for everyone and i’m as happy as anyone that time has moved us into a nice, even-numbered year that is a new beginning in so many ways.

not only do we have a whole new decade in front of us — yes, sticklers, i know the decade doesn’t officially begin until the start of 2011, but work with me anyway — but we finally have a name for that decade: The Tens! not since the nineties have we had a name we could all agree on for a decade. i’m not sure what the last ten years are to be called. the Aughts? the Naughts? the Big Zeros?

whatever they were, they are gone thankfully. sure, they had some bright stops for me personally, but 9/11, eight years of Bush, two wars, economic meltdowns — BYE BYE! i’m sure the next ten years will be nothing short of perfect and prosperous. if everything in life is cyclical, they better fucking be.

for me, this upcoming year will be rad because i am determined to make it rad. i have lots of BIG PLANS, all of which will effortlessly come to fruition because i want them to. (and yes, i am writing this after having two glasses of wine.) let’s start with some new year’s resolutions:

• take better care of my health: seriously, when did i turn 80? i wake up too frequently with weird aches and pains, amplified always by the rain. my energy is not what it used to be. i have ever-deepening crows feet and laugh lines. my hair has started to thin, with the rest of me starting to thicken. hello, thirties, you suck. i can do better and will.


• spend less time in front of the computer: actually, what i need to do is make the time i do spend in front of the computer more meaningful. this means not wasting 10 minutes reading everyone’s status update on what they’re having for dinner on facebook — and responding with my own lame comments — when i’m only going online to check email. i know i made the same exact resolution last year and then forgot to follow through, but this year i won’t forget.


• become prolific: along with spending my time with the computer more meaningfully, i need to write more than i currently do — and faster. the copywriting i do for freelance clients and the Dish column i write for fun are activities that take far too many painstaking hours to complete. plus, there’s you, little bloggy, who bears the brunt of my neglect. but no more! ooooh, look, Michelle is having taco soup for dinner.


• work as much as possible: in short, i need money for a bunch of home improvement projects i want to undertake, investments i want to make and vacations i want to take. work is the way.

but first, another glass of wine.

Annual

i must have been one of the only people i know who didn’t want 2008 to end. everyone around me was aching for that ball to drop so they could claim a fresh start — a year when things would surely be better! — while i stood grumpy, almost weepy, wondering how i could squeeze another month out of the last few days of december.

a fresh start sounded awful to me. a fresh start sounded like an opportunity to fail. surely, i could never top the banner year i just had, the year of the shiny new house in Highland Park and new job that i was handpicked for. like a dessert you dread taking the last bite of, i needed 2008 to continue in perpetuity, maybe forever. but the days piled up like they tend to and selfishly, 2009 came in to much applause from everyone but me.

when it did come in, Mo and i were at The Verdugo drinking. the dj announced the countdown and the year flashed before me — the house hunt and escrow, the remodel and subsequent move-in, the LA Landing and 4th of july, the new job and down economy, the hits and even the misses. a second later, they were tucked behind the bookend of a new year. i leaned toward Mo for a kiss.

a week and a half in, 2009 has proved itself unremarkable. work has been hell, sleep has been elusive and i’ve been reluctant to stick to my resolutions, one of which is to take a yoga class weekly, particularly when i’m pissy about being overworked sleep-deprived. but my grumpy ass never made it to class. next week, for sure.

i’ve also resolved to spend less time in front of my computer. this is another one i’ve failed at. i worry that the only way to pull myself away from this warm machine on my lap is to subscribe to cable TV, a luxury i have not enjoyed in many years. no point in paying for cable, i figured, when i can get streaming video on my computer for free. if only books could stream MTV.

another resolution is to pay down some of the astronomical house debt i’ve acquired in the past year. extra cash will have to be funneled first to my parents, who’ve been watching their retirement savings plummet since the summer. this has brought me all sorts of guilt, given their generous loan to help with my home improvement. i’ve vowed to be a dutiful daughter and begin repaying them this year.

continuing the home improvement would also be nice, but considering the lousy economy and the fact that freelance work has been slim, filling my yard with those fancy, rare hedges i fell in love with at the getty center garden is unlikely. also unlikely are monthly massages and lobster dinners.

what is likely for me in 2009 is time spent with the same good friends and family i’ve been in love with for years. there will also be cozy nights at home with Mo and the furry babies. if i’m lucky, i might get one lobster dinner in there somewhere, and perhaps a weekend getaway to some place relaxing. and i guess that’s enough for me.

Annual

yippee to 2008, which will be so great that i can’t wait to meet my lovely fate in this big golden state which i almost ate, um, for lunch, it was tuna — tunate? ok, wait. i’m getting ahead of myself but i am fully stoked that this year has arrived. i did indeed go into it wide eyed and smiling, joined by a handful of close friends who also lacked grandiose plans so they came over to drink at my place and clink glasses to the new year. and we drank and we clinked and it was warm, loving and positively invigorating.

i must confess that i was in a pretty heavy fog these past few months, walking around with head and spirits low. i started to think that i should go see a head shrinker or a psychic or someone, anyone who could pull me out of my funk. then the light shone and the thought dropped in that maybe i could be the one to pull myself out with some positive thinking and visit to the masseuse.

now is all better. i’m into the year and happy to have the holidays over. work is plentiful but that’s ok because so is my motivation. now is the time to get shit done. and i’m doing up a storm and reveling in the productive.

in addition to the predictable new year’s resolutions of being effortlessly fabulous, buying a house and banging johnny depp, i’ve made some others especially for this year. they include:

• keep your eye on the prize: remember that your family, friends and dogs are what’s most important in this crazy world and that everything you do should be tied to their betterment as well as your own. (apologies to the starving children in africa.)


• eat less meat: this one will be hard because you are a carnivorous (yet kind) soul who thinks that a meal is not really a meal unless there is a dead animal on your plate. but healthwise, you could probably benefit by cutting down on your filet consumption so go find some good tofu recipes.


• spend less time in front of the computer: this will probably be harder because although your computer doesn’t taste as good as a steak, it is less fattening and presumably less harmful to your health, despite its potential for time suckage and a sedentary lifestyle.


• calm the fuck down: having a puppy with an implacable will really made you realize what an impatient madwoman you have turned into. those first few months with Pinko were quite rough and compelled you to behave more like mommie dearest than mother teresa, you bitch. however, you’ve since learned that a few deep breaths will go a long way when puppy’s tail knocks glasses full of red wine off the coffee table or when you come home to find your underwear buried in the yard. so keep breathing.


• whine less: seriously. your life isn’t so bad. instead, consider adopting cousin Gitella’s mantra of “shut up and do it.”


• spoil yourself more: sadly, you’ve begun to realize that you’re just an overemotional crybaby prone to spells of depression who needs to step away from life periodically to recharge. this could be caused by unresolved teen angst or by chemicals in the brain or by simply being a jewish woman who worries too much. whatever the case, this year it will give you license to get more massages, facials and microderms. not a bad bright side. now go enjoy your year.

y'all enjoy yours too.

All Aboard

woosh, there went january — and i’m happy to see it go. what a miserable month it was. i’ve read that deaths during the winter months, particularly the holiday weeks, increase by 5% over the norm. and it makes sense how someone with maybe six months left in them would just throw in the towel early, when it’s cold outside and lonely inside.

but this year, it’s especially foul in its incessancy: week after week, various coworkers would need a day or two off to attend funerals. my officemate lost her grandmother, then other coworkers lost their aunts, friends, even a father. then came my own great-aunt just last week, with her funeral on a rainy L.A. day, which made for an exceedingly gloomy and muddy burial. i wasn’t close to her, but seeing my extended family grieving saddened me. yet what saddened me the most was hearing that my landlord’s boyfriend had brain cancer. plus, i’ve been reading depressing books lately, with themes on death and sadness, loss and transition. damn joan didion.

on the bright side, i’ve finally emerged from the personal funk that i blogged about below. i tried dismissing it as boredom or another episode of restlessness when in fact it was a mini-depression borne of indirection. the not-so-secret crux of the matter, i’ve realized, is that i need a goal to work toward — something long-term and bigger than the regular baby goals of exercising more and paying off my debts.

the last big goal of mine involved applying to, surviving and finally finishing graduate school. that occupied a good two-and-a-half years of my life when i never felt the gnawing restlessness of indirection. surely, that was a stressful time that didn’t allow much room for superfluous feelings, with its spin cycle of assignments and deadlines.

but i do recall that the time leading up to my decision to apply felt very much like these current times, when i would loiter endlessly in my head, kicking tin cans around, supervising the committee meetings of the mind, with everyone yelling at one another, the chorus of disagreements, all terrorizing me into deciding: what’s next?

and while it would seem that psychotropic medicine should be next, i have decided to embark on a Secret Project that i cannot yet publicly discuss lest all my good intentions fail to materialize into anything worthy (again), causing me severe personal and public embarrassment (again). i have realized that too much of my focus was wasted on thinking about the things i’d like to do and how i’m not doing them, when my real focus should have been on doing the things i’m thinking of doing, instead of the other way around. duh. clarity is so divine.

rest assured that Secret Project does not involve more schooling nor is it an attempt to write the Great American Novel that i’ll get around to one day. it’s more lifestyle related, long-term and exciting and new, we’re expecting you. just planting the new-idea seed in my head has done much to evaporate the funk fog i had been lost in these past few months — replacing defeatist thoughts with constructive aims. yet it’s still months away from sprouting so bear with me.

and all the death and sadness of january have served as great motivators, helping me realize that the now counts more than anything else, so i better get started on making my dream life happen.

The Shit List

rather than run through the usual list of things i’m thankful for, which i’ve done countless times in the past, i figure it’s more useful for me (and entertaining for you) to run through a list of all the less-than-blessed things i’ve done this past year or two.

certainly i’ve committed no murders, save the occasional spider or cricket, but i’m hardly an exemplary humanitarian and i’m still ages from becoming the person i’d like to be (a retired superhuman). just kidding! i would totally be a philanthropist.

i must also confess that something inside me is convinced that my toe drama resulted from my being a lackluster jew this year – every year in fact. i don’t remember the last time i observed my culture’s holy days in any meaningful way. then for a giggle, i ridiculed the devout in my last blogging. and to top it off, i’ve lapsed from my once regular yoga practice, causing another blow to my “spirituality.” blasphemy to the bone!

so now i atone for my wretchedness:

• perhaps, maybe, probably a few times i’ve called in sick to work this past year i could have mustered up the strength to come in. not every time, though. and if you’re my boss, i totally was sick.

• i’ve been an L.A. flake aplenty – missing parties, screening phone calls, deleting emails and ignoring instant messages, often times very deliberately. most of the time, it’s just that i’m too wrapped up in my own dealings to be bothered, though there have been occasions when the people themselves are the bother.

• also bothersome was the length of Mo’s list for me when i told him about this entry. i guess i need to get better about taking care of his CDs and DVDs, like i do my own, putting my dishes into the dishwasher and apologizing when i’m wrong.

• juice likely has complaints of her own. having a yard in the back has made long walks through the neighborhood far less frequent. and i’m sure my fish hates me for almost killing him this year and not changing his water enough.

• i still use my expired student ID from grad school to get discounts on movie tickets and museum admissions.

• many, many blog-related regrets, none of which i care to link to lest they perpetuate my own personal embarrassment. but trust that i cringe aplenty when rereading past entries that highlight my bad writing and overblown ego, and contain overly intimate disclosures and the occasional grammatical or spelling error.

• to be filed under Megabitch Moments: i fancy myself much like the gentle stingray that swims through life wholly peacefully, only attacking when provoked. yet when i do attack, i will stab you in the heart. in recent times, a handful of people have tapped into this ire with their comments and actions, to which i’ve replied with a mighty verbal beatdown when i probably should have taken the high road instead. in no particular order, these people include: my sometimes critical parents, rude waitstaff, Mo on a bad day, an ex-boyfriend’s immature girlfriend, an overbearing coworker, unsavory car mechanics and a girl who tried to feed chocolate to my dog.

what a cunt i am! and how thoroughly déclassé to even use that word. i am going straight to hell. oh, wait a second, jews don’t believe in hell so i’m all set. phew.

truth is that i don’t regret all the happenings on this list (except the part about being a deadbeat dog mom). i do believe employees should use sick days as needed – that is what they are for – and i believe that, on occasion, people need to be told to “fuck off” when they are being ridiculous, myself included.

still, this list is rather mild when i consider the types of “sins” i committed in my early twenties when i partied nonstop and shot my mouth off for sport. i like to believe that my bitchiness is more purposeful nowadays, even ethical, succeeding where the passive high road fails. there are definitely things worth shouting about and bitchiness has its benefits.

i certainly don’t shout as much as i did before and in another 10 years – when i’m trying to get into movies under a senior discount – i hope to be shouting even less. guess this means that i’ve always been and always will be a bitch, but hopefully i’ll keep getting better at it.

happy thanksgiving, turkeys.

To Dust You Shall Return

so it's practically march and i'm wondering where the hell my 2006 has gone and is going. i've made good on a few of my resolutions to travel more, as evidenced by the SF getaway, but this year has been largely lackluster. i don't know what i expected, but it's been disappointing. March is basically a bullshit month where nothing significant happens (at least for me). all it's good for is housing the "first day of spring" on march 20, but spring weather doesn't really surface until mid-april. i do have my first annual review at work, however, in a few weeks so that could be interesting. "beware the ides of march," i think to myself. perhaps that's a popular time for assasinations.

i was thinking that the best way to dull march down even more for me was to go at completely sober. it might be time for a little cleanse to coincide with Lent. i must confess that i feel a bit guilty for not fasting on yom kippur with my jewish brethren for the past few years, so i figure the best way to atone for my religious missteps is to give up alcohol during the 40 loooong days of Lent.

after all, judaism and catholicism are practically the same religion if you take all the messiah stuff out of the equation. we both know guilt and guilt trips, courtesy of our overbearing mothers. there's also the boisterous family gatherings where food is often the focal point. plus, we both know what it's like to be persecuted by christians.

my catholic girlfriends are giving up meat for Lent, so i -- never one to be outdone -- will give up alcohol and all other consciousness-altering substances (except for coffee). i mean, why the hell not? life is good lately, so i have no reason to drink, except that i'm bored, which might mean more reason to drink.

but really, it might be nice to teetotal for a bit. after several years of indulgence, extended sobriety will feel like a brand new drug. it's only 40 days. and if i hate it, i can slip in a shot of vodka on st. patrick's day. and if i love the masochism, i can try fasting on yom kippur this year -- or at least not smoking crack on that day.

So Far

my "To Do in 2006" list keeps growing. i wonder if constantly adding to the list will only set me up for failure. it now includes crazy things like "fix my FICO" and "buy car." hopefully, completing the former will help my ability to complete the latter. and if both are completed successfully this year, perhaps my "To Do in 2007" list will include "buy property."

i hope it does. i'm so ready to become an adult. the thirties truly are the new twenties for my generation. my twenties felt like an extended adolescence -- with only slightly more cash and slightly better judgment than i possessed in my teens. with thirty at my doorstep, however, i'm ready to begin procuring adult stuffs. i even opened a friggin retirement account.

but one thing at a time. my initial baby steps of 2006 did indeed lead me to the gym where every single sweat-inducing machine was occupied. guess i wasn't the only one who resolved to exercise more in the new year. haven't sat down to write yet, but that's on the agenda for this three-day weekend. i've reserved a spot in a culinary skills course, so i'm making good on my promise to learn more. and a stay in SF is (tentatively) planned for presidents day weekend, which means more travel in 2006.

these last few weeks have also seen me at a few live shows, including Sia with Zee, Nick and Chad; and the Dresden Dolls with Mo and Deo. i've been to the dog park with Juice, and even survived a crappy little flu which gripped me the first few days of january. work is busy again and, in general, the year has moved along swimmingly.

and i guess that's about it for now.

Annual

i had so looked forward to getting 2006 underway. i just knew that i would wake up on january 1 a brand new person, with all my bad habits gone. the better, newer, 2006er version of me would be far more responsible, disciplined and organized. i could just feel the metamorphosis occuring as 2005 made its exit, with each lost second offering the promise of a kept resolution. this year would be different, damnit, just like every year before it.

and then i woke up: hungover, with eyeliner running down my cheek, dragon breath from smoking the cigarettes i was supposed to have tossed, in a bed that wasn't even my own. it was the afternoon already and i had a family event to attend that day and a guilty conscience from a dog left alone overnight. i could barely move. i took a quick inventory and saw that my bad habits were still securely in place. this is the year i will turn 30.

yet, this is also the year i am destined to keep the majority of my new year's resolutions, which include:

• exercise more in 2006!! i know, this is the first time anyone on the planet had made such a resolution for herself, but i'm a trailblazer that way. i have been going to the gym regularly since i joined, though that's done little to help me slim down substantially. it's only allowed me to have second helpings and the occasional piece of cheesecake while maintaining what i currently look like, so i guess i should (re)incorporate the dieting back into diet-and-exercise resolution. yeah, yeah, whatever.


• write more in 2006!! aspiring writers write, don't they? they don't aspire to write, they write to aspire for greatness. i'm not sure how this simple fact escaped me all these years, but i should write more. yeah. sadly, i doubt this means that i'll blog more. once a week is enough, though i could end up reposting some of my offline ramblings here just for, you know, validation and stuff.


• learn more in 2006!! i'm actually already enrolled in a coding class through my work cus i'm a closeted dork who wants to learn more HTML, but beyond that, i hope to take an astrology class this year, the complement to the tarot class i took last year. and perhaps i can find some other classes through Extentsion to help lube my brain. i like to learn. it do me good.


• travel more in 2006!! this is another one of those evergreen resolutions that speaks for itself. i do have an overseas adventure roughly outlined for memorial day, and maybe another trip to the east coast, plus a few weekend jaunts to SF. and i'm sure i'll get to all of them.

those are the biggies and i can't wait to check this entry on january 1, 2007, to see how i fared. this new year will also have me trimming some fat, like phasing out a few tenuous relationships that no longer appeal to me and quitting the crappy theater reviewer job i've been doing for the past few years.

on the brightside, i'm pleased with the many things that have been going well lately. thanks to automatic paycheck deductions, i'm putting away money each month which makes me feel super responsible. my health is good (though i should drink more water). my place is always tidy and clean. i'm pleased with the amount i read and the company i keep.

in addition, i'm madly in love with the following: my little guesthouse is the best place i've ever lived, and if you've been here before, you know what i mean; my parents are understanding and supportive, even if they do rub me wrong from time to time; my boyfriend is spectacular and manages to keep me intruiged on every level (no easy feat); my friends are way cooler and more interesting than i am; and my good-natured dog is the bomb, y'all.

what more can a girl ask for? here are some ideas: a new car, a book deal, a personal chef and a bag of money. but i'll save those for next year.

Thoughts on the New Year

now that i've emerged from the hangover haze that kept me disoriented the first two days of 2004, i can now focus on the 363 days that are left -- or is 364, are we going into a leap year? anyway, the worst part about entering a new year is making that mental adjustment to date checks correctly. it'll get me for months.

beyond that, i guess i should make some resolutions that i'll likely break in the coming year. i think making one or two a year is feasible, any more is just setting yourself up for failure. i'll keep it simple this year and just focus on the liquids -- namely, a resolution to drink less alcohol and drink more tea and water.

i'm not sure what's happened over the past few years to make me such a lush. but now it's hard for me to even fall asleep at night without a glass of wine. maybe it's the wannabe european in me leftover from the summer who needs a glass with every meal, but it can't continue. for starters, it's impeding my weight loss. i'll be judicious about my diet all day and then have a bottle of merlot all on my own with dinner. that translates into sugar which marches straight to my ass. and an entire bottle doesn't get me drunk -- a whole bottle. i mean, that's bad, right?

so no more casual boozing. from now on, i will drink solely during social occasions and celebrations. so far i've been very good. haven't touched a drop of alcohol this whole year. do i miss it? hell yeah -- i'm cranky and can't sleep well at night. but i'll keep going with this. quitting smoking was way harder. and i can replace my nightcaps with tea and/or water, which i've been neglecting to nourish my body with over the years. i bought some moroccan mint green tea to start me with my journey. (but the coffee i'm keeping -- i'm down to two cups a day and that ain't bad, ok?)

beyond that, i can see already that this year will be full of changes, all hopefully for the best. whereas last year seemed like an awesome summer bookended by stress, this year should only start stressful and end blissful. graduation is in may, and it couldn't get here fast enough. then comes the job hunt, which will probably suck, but should get me to the next level, whatever that is. by the end of the year i should be a working professional again, which means regular paychecks -- no more student scrounging.

in addition, pablo is talking about getting an internship up north for the summer and doing a semester abroad in the fall, leaving me (delightfully) on my own. hopefully before then, in late may, there will be a trip to asia in store for both of us. i'm also thinking of moving out of my ghetto neighborhood and getting a new furry baby, maybe a rottweiler. and i'm also thinking of embarking on a serious writing project, like a book or screenplay. something i can start and finish just to know that i can really finish what i start, and that writing for me won't be just half-baked ideas and scribbled notes that lead nowhere.

hmm... what else? maybe new couches, if i have the money, and laser hair removal, so i never have to shave my armpits again. i'd also like to take another trip to hawaii with kiana. and while i'm at it, i think i'll lose 20 pounds and win the lottery. hey, sounds like a fun year ahead!

but tonight i'll start with updating the Milla Times website -- you know, that thing i said i'd do six months ago.