Annual

oh hello, blog. how are you? i am fine, thanks for asking. i know it’s been a long time since i’ve given you proper attention. i have a lot of excuses for neglecting you for so long, but none of them are any good.

sure, i’ve been keeping busy with freelance work, some socializing, and a few lazy days of reading in bed and watching Jersey Shore online. it’s been a lovely reprieve, to be sure, but one i must snap out of because i have many things i want to write about. there’s that roadtrip from september i need to finish chronicling and some home improvements i need to detail. plus, there are Deep Thoughts i want to discuss.

let’s start now with some Deep Thoughts on the new year, shall we? 2009 was lousy for everyone and i’m as happy as anyone that time has moved us into a nice, even-numbered year that is a new beginning in so many ways.

not only do we have a whole new decade in front of us — yes, sticklers, i know the decade doesn’t officially begin until the start of 2011, but work with me anyway — but we finally have a name for that decade: The Tens! not since the nineties have we had a name we could all agree on for a decade. i’m not sure what the last ten years are to be called. the Aughts? the Naughts? the Big Zeros?

whatever they were, they are gone thankfully. sure, they had some bright stops for me personally, but 9/11, eight years of Bush, two wars, economic meltdowns — BYE BYE! i’m sure the next ten years will be nothing short of perfect and prosperous. if everything in life is cyclical, they better fucking be.

for me, this upcoming year will be rad because i am determined to make it rad. i have lots of BIG PLANS, all of which will effortlessly come to fruition because i want them to. (and yes, i am writing this after having two glasses of wine.) let’s start with some new year’s resolutions:

• take better care of my health: seriously, when did i turn 80? i wake up too frequently with weird aches and pains, amplified always by the rain. my energy is not what it used to be. i have ever-deepening crows feet and laugh lines. my hair has started to thin, with the rest of me starting to thicken. hello, thirties, you suck. i can do better and will.


• spend less time in front of the computer: actually, what i need to do is make the time i do spend in front of the computer more meaningful. this means not wasting 10 minutes reading everyone’s status update on what they’re having for dinner on facebook — and responding with my own lame comments — when i’m only going online to check email. i know i made the same exact resolution last year and then forgot to follow through, but this year i won’t forget.


• become prolific: along with spending my time with the computer more meaningfully, i need to write more than i currently do — and faster. the copywriting i do for freelance clients and the Dish column i write for fun are activities that take far too many painstaking hours to complete. plus, there’s you, little bloggy, who bears the brunt of my neglect. but no more! ooooh, look, Michelle is having taco soup for dinner.


• work as much as possible: in short, i need money for a bunch of home improvement projects i want to undertake, investments i want to make and vacations i want to take. work is the way.

but first, another glass of wine.

Somebody Was Sprayed in the Face by a Skunk

i’ll give you one guess who that somebody could be. i suppose it was only a matter of time. the skunk and Pinko had been flirting for months, maybe even a year, with a few near encounters averted only by my seeing the skunk first and screaming at Pinko to GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW, which she would do at lightning speed, confused by why the hell i was yelling. then i would shoo the Pinks back into the house while the skunk and i glared at each other as he casually walked away. sometimes he even gave me the finger. other times, Pinko would see him from the deck and bark like a retard while i yelled at her to SHUT UP ALREADY from inside the house.

this time it was 5am on a tuesday morning. Mo got up at that ungodly hour for reasons still unknown, leaving me to sleep until my alarm went off. he opened the front door to let the dogs out into the yard and BOOM!, my furry shithead made a beeline for the skunk, who sprayed her square in the face before scurrying away unharmed. her face scrunched and sneezing uncontrollably, Pinko ran back into the house, bringing the smell of satan with her like a little souvenir from hell.

i was lying in bed at the time, listening to the ruckus unfold outside and wondering whether i really needed to get up or if i could just feign ignorance, fall back asleep and deal with it later. once the smell hit my nose, i knew sleep was out of the question. by the time i got up, my sleepy eyes burning, Mo was already running the bathwater. i looked at the Pinks, who sat in the corner of the bathroom with her ears down, giving that i’m-so-sorry-for-what-i-did-let’s-just-focus-on-how-cute-i-am-instead face. she looked radioactive. i approached her face with my own and almost fell backwards when i got a whiff. she smelled like burning rubber.

two baths followed, consisting of five shampoo sessions. internet research also followed and revealed that a tomato juice bath does not actually kill skunk smell, but a product called Tecnu does. so we got some Tecnu and lathered her up. then we burned some sage, some scented candles, laundered everything, opened doors and windows, turned on fans — everything short of an exorcism to expunge the smell from the house.

a week later, the house still had a faint skunk smell and Pinko’s face still has a strong skunk smell. at least she’s been on her best behavior.

In 2010, The World Will Be Destroyed

One-Hit Wonders: December 2009

• albufeira+happy ending massage


• tiger woods doughnut waitress


• case of the sads


• drunk attention whore


• accidentally swallowed shell crab or mussel or clam


• how far is eureka from the oregon border?


• iron pills feeling edgy


• can i leave room now deo we big finish yeah men


• "learning tree international" ridicule


• mexico wastelands


• horrendous pierced lactating tits


• can you eat milla plant


• pour out a little liquor

Season's Greetings

i know i’ve been lousy about posting lately, but it’s the holidays and i’m milking the little downtime i have. more frequent posting will resume after the new year. for now, allow me to send this holiday e-greeting to your mantle, but please do NOT place it next to the card sent by your dentist. he’s a creep. put it next to your favorite friend’s card. a little to the right. that’s better. thanks.

from my home to yours, i wish you, your family, your friends, your pets and your plants the most joyous holiday season imaginable, one that blows your mind with its sheer magnificence. i hope 2010 is the magical year that brings you every last thing your heart desires. most of all, i hope it brings you good times, great health, gainful employment and all the love in the universe. count your blessings. pet your pets. practice happiness. make a toast. tell your people you love them. be guided by good and have faith that the world will be your reward.

as always, thanks for reading.

Decembered

so much for rest and relaxation during december. i had severely miscalculated this month, thinking foolishly that i would spend it living a leisurely existence. i was sure i’d finally get some downtime at work, with weekends free to gallivant with friends and finally accomplish the myriad low priority items that have been languishing on my to-do list for months (hello, cleaning out the garage), things i promised myself i’d get done before the end of the year.

but here i am a few weeks away from january and the garage is still a mess and i haven’t even finished chronicling the two-week roadtrip i began on labor day. so what the hell happened? of course work is the perpetual culprit, with the day jobby and freelance gigs keeping me busier than the trash man on trash day, which is surprising given the seasonal slowdown i usually encounter this time of year.

but hey, i’m not complaining, especially since the first half of the year was spent losing freelance clients and worrying that i would be laid off. others, of course, had it way worse. in truth, there is not much i will miss about 2009. easily, the highlight of the year was the roadtrip to Portland, where i saw my baby cousin get married. my springtime trip to new york wasn’t shabby either. low lights include the leaky fridge kitchen disaster in March and watching both my parents, countless friends and 15% of my coworkers get laid off.

when midnight arrives on new year’s eve, i plan to smile wide with the knowledge that this shithole of a year has been left behind. i will then kiss my Mo and smile wide with the knowledge that fabulous things await in 2010. there will be plenty of home improvement and personal development and leisure time and published writing and lottery winning. i will also finally clean out the garage. before that, i will write the final posts chronicling my roadtrip. but first, a nap.

Dish-Interested: Cheating 101 for Tiger Woods

Photo courtesy of Osmosis Online

Oh, Tiger Woods, we hardly knew you! On the list of public figures most likely to be a philanderer, who would have put you at the top? Even though you are a pro athlete — and we all know pro athletes are prone to cheating (*cough* *cough* Kobe) — the squeaky clean image you’ve spent your entire career cultivating rendered you so impossibly vanilla that when rumors first swirled about your infidelity with some trashy New York party girl, I dismissed them immediately because I didn’t believe you were interesting enough to cheat on your wife.

Then came the car accident that doubled as a domestic dispute, followed by another trashy girl coming forward claiming that she got a look at your 9-iron, this time an L.A. cocktail waitress who sold her story to a tabloid, complete with racy texts and a voicemail purportedly from a nervous you, saying that, “Hi, this is Tiger… My wife went through my phone and may be calling you.” And then came the cherry on top...

One-Hit Wonders: November 2009

this month's search terms inexplicably pulling up my blog have a distinctively instructional feel to them, as though people are using The Milla Times in the same way they would use wikipedia, though in my case they are looking for erotic stories on nipple touchers.

• erotic stories of nipple toucher


• how do you pronounce raidis


• an introduction of an argumentative eassy on sweets,crips and fizzy drinks


• how to kill a chinese elm stump


• is as happy as a retard in a crayon factory. what does this mean


• mo's bouillabaisse recipe


• does redwood smell like pine


• what means "year older none the wiser"


• joan didion calm the fuck down


• the +countdown to the meteor hits earth


• when did duran duran john taylor lose his virginity


• peace corps wild orgies

Thankful for Taco Sauce

in case you haven’t heard, thanksgiving is fast approaching and bringing with it a chance to reflect on all the blessings i normally take for granted in addition to an opportunity to eat until i burst. the latter i already accomplished during an early thanksgiving meal held at my parents’ place, who decided to ditch the family and spend the upcoming four-day weekend relaxing poolside in palm springs.

this frees up the thursday holiday for Mo and i to spend watching bad television and eating tacos, which will basically turn it into any other thursday for us, but perhaps we’ll mark the occasion with a turkey taco. the friday after thanksgiving i have to go to work because the stock market is open for business, which means my company is too. aside from mall employees, this makes me the only person who has to work the friday after thanksgiving.

but i’m actually looking forward to working that day as it will give me some time to reflect on all the wonderful blessings i am thankful for this holiday. hahahaha! actually, i’m looking forward to it because it’s sure to be a mellow day and i can wear jeans to work, which is a blessing unto itself.

as for the other blessings, they don’t really change from year to year. i’m still thankful for the wonderful people in my life, chiefly among them my Mo, my family and my friends who are like family. beyond that, i really love my dogs and my house and the smoky hot sauce that my favorite taco truck puts on its tacos. and in a year during which i saw both my parents and countless friends get laid off, in addition to 15% of my coworkers, i am especially thankful to be employed.

i’m also thankful for you, dear reader, wherever and whoever you are, for you are the wind beneath my wings helping me soar to new heights! i know most of you are my California friends and family checking in to see whether i’m talking smack about you here, but if my blog analytics are to be believed, i also have readers in such exotic places as Lincoln, Nebraska, and Bloomington, Indiana, readers who are surely dashing and effortlessly beautiful and not only because they have superior taste in blogs.

have i buttered you up enough? ok, here comes the pitch: if you, like me, plan to avoid malls and do all of your holiday shopping online this year, please shop Amazon.com via THIS SPECIAL LINK, which will direct a few dimes my way at no additional cost to you. please make your purchase within 24 hours of clicking the link. all proceeds will be used to keep The Milla Times up and running by keeping the collection agencies at bay. donations will be repaid with endless gratitude on my part and maybe a pic of me topless.

this concludes the shameless whoring out of the amazon ads on my website (which all of you seem to be ignoring anyway). thanks for reading, with double thanks for shopping. have i mentioned that your hair looks great today?

Dish-Interested: Why I Love Sarah Palin

Courtesy of Osmosis Online

There are plenty of reasons to hate Sarah Palin: She’s hokey, inarticulate, whiny, incurious and provincial — a quitter who’s prone to blaming others for her own missteps. Hating Sarah has become a national pastime akin to any other sport that keeps score and revels in recounting the bad plays of the game.

We’ve seen these plays televised in perfectly packaged soundbytes we’ve all learned by heart — from “I can see Russia from my house” to “I read all of them” to “you betchya!” — Sarah was a bumbling trainwreck loathed by many, revered by some and loved especially by me.

And if there’s one thing I love more than train wrecks...