One-Hit Wonders: August 2013

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• τιμεσ για μηλα
• aggressive respiratory infections
• can i drink a glass of wine with sinusalia
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• landmark education orgies
• new york city fruit stand
• wife driven insane by husband tickling
• conversation with expressions not really, oh, yeah

Published: GEEK Magazine

the guys who starred in “the cornetto trilogy” (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz and The World’s End) are on the cover. my article begins on page 66. (click to enlarge any of the photos.)

this is my first piece for GEEK magazine — and thankfully not my last as i already have new assignments to complete. but i don’t doubt that this one will always be the most special for me, not only because it’s the first, but because it’s so damn long: eight pages to be exact (roughly 2,500 words), which makes it as long as the cover story.


the opening spread. that first photo is pretty badass.

granted, plenty of that space is occupied by photos, taken by the immensely talented Josh Fogel, who is a cherished friend in addition to being a kickass photographer. i recommend him without reservation if you need professional photography done in the LA area. he accompanied me on my visit to interview Nancy Smith, owner of Necromance, a natural history and oddities store on LA’s famed Melrose Blvd. i had been in the store a handful of times before so i jumped at the assignment when the geek-in-chief mentioned he wanted to profile it.


second spread. the photo on the left is a 30-week-old human fetus skeleton that was for sale for $4,000 at the time of the interview. it was ultimately purchased by guitarist Dave Navarro. 

the editor, Dave Williams, had been asking me to write for the magazine since its launch (i serve as the copy editor) and i had always wanted to but felt woefully intimidated by the subject matter. because even though i’ve attended two Comic-Cons and am in my second year of helping put together this incredible magazine full of fascinatingly geeky content, i’m still geek-lite. maybe even extra lite.
 

third spread with interior shots of the store and some of the items for sale. i bought one of their pretty pendants made from butterfly wings.  

i knew i could never pull off a cover story on Star Trek or Star Wars (each has graced the cover already) or even Futurama, which i’ve only seen a handful of times, so i had trouble pitching anything that might be a good fit as my oddball obsessions of watching Big Brother or writing haikus likely wouldn’t capture the interest of GEEK’s readers. so i asked him to assign me something that wasn’t too sacred, didn’t require knowledge of some lengthy backstory and wouldn’t get me in trouble with rabid fanboys on the internet if i disagreed with their viewpoints. interviewing a shop owner seemed like a safe bet.
 

final spread. the page on the right is a sidebar that explains plastination (also written by me after some serious googling), which Nancy had discussed during our interview, noting that her prized possession from her personal collection of oddities is a plastinated dog head.

and man, was she ever a great interview: easy as hell to relate to, full of interesting stories, and incredibly sassy and smart. i liked her right away and the hours-long interview couldn’t have gone any smoother. and i’m not just saying that to be diplomatic; she really was a pleasure. she even allowed me to return a few weeks later to take additional photos with a larger crew provided by the magazine’s publisher, Source Interlink. if you catch the article on the iPad, there are several photos of the store’s products that can be seen in 360 degrees.
 

from the 360 degree photo shoot. a motorized plate would slowly rotate while a mounted camera took a photo every 15 degrees. Nancy’s plastinated dog head was one of the items captured, in addition to taxidermy, an antique prosthetic limb, a gilded pirahna and animal skulls. 
 
unfortunately, the story is not (yet) online, despite my repeated attempts to put it there, so i cannot link to it. the magazine, however, is on newsstands now and can be bought for just $7. it’s a great read full of geeky goodness. you should totally buy it. get a few issues for your friends while you’re at it. hell, why don’t you just subscribe and save yourself future trips to the newsstand? i’ll have a little something in the next two issues for you to read.
 

making friends with a taxidermy deer at Necromance

the best thing about doing this story (beyond seeing my byline in print, which is always a thrill) is that it reunited me with my long-lost love of journalism. sure, i’ve written plenty here and elsewhere about myself, as personal essays have come to define my career as a writer over the years, but that was a surprise outgrowth of keeping this blog, never a career goal. this time, it was nice to write about someone other than myself. it’s what i always thought i would be doing as my masters is in journalism and i’ve worked for news agencies before, NPR and VOA among them — work i have missed tremendously since taking a full-time job in finance more than eight years ago.

doing this piece reminded me of how much i loved the process: the initial research of a subject followed by interviews where i need to build rapport and gain trust, keep them talking while i ask the right questions; the reviewing of the transcript when i note the strongest quotes and begin to see the themes emerge; the building of the outline and the piecing everything together like a jigsaw puzzle until it’s done and i can stand back and look at the story, hoping that it flows and informs and entertains, that i’ve done my subject justice by covering everything ethically and accurately.

i loved every part of it (save the transcription) and wore a giant grin on my face the day i spent writing the story. i was also happy to see that the edits were minimal and i received another assignment (interviewing a horror historian) right away.

i’m still wearing that grin today. many thanks to my beloved GEEK, Nancy at Necromance and Josh Fogel for making it happen.

Lots of Stuff and Things

as i am an expert in pointing out the obvious, let me begin by saying that’s it has been far too long since the last update. as always, this is partially due to laziness, but also because the summer has been busier than i expected. it’s also been far more awesome than i expected. in short, life has been a combination of sunshine, rainbow sprinkles, toes in the sand, sleeping late and unicorn rides. it’s also been a lot of hard work, sleepless nights, sore muscles and binge eating. somehow, this has all balanced out into relative bliss. this is why:


me and my city

birthday: i turned 37 in june, which effectively threw me into the “late 30s” category of easy listening music and high-fiber diets. thankfully, this birthday didn’t hurt too badly as evidenced by my lack of constant complaining, which has accompanied most of my birthdays since i hit 30. this year, i enjoyed a small party at my house with close friends the friday before my little big day before escaping to Ojai later that weekend, where i slept late, watched bad cable, took a yoga class, visited Meditation Mount and went on daily hikes with my dogs.


blissed out on a rock at Meditation Mount

the day of my actual birthday (a wednesday) had me eating a lovely steak dinner with my parents before meeting friends at my local watering hole, the Verdugo Bar, where i really felt my age by drinking too much and exclaiming, “i can’t party like i used to” at the end of the night. at least i still made it into work the next morning, which i never would have bothered with at 21. all in all, a great birthday doing things i love (drinking and relaxing) while surrounded by people i love.

Comic-Con: for the second year in a row, i attended Comic-Con, an otherworldly and exhausting experience that was amazing in every way. i went again to work the booth for GEEK, the little magazine that could, which is turning into the little magazine that is kicking ass if our rising circulation, recent offering of print subscriptions and win of three Maggie Awards are any indication.


GEEK magazine booth at Comic-Con

the most awesome thing about this year’s Con was how different it was from last year’s Con, when we had only one issue printed and were practically throwing it at people to get noticed. six issues later, people sought out the booth to say how much they loved the magazine (and no doubt pick up some sweet swag). GEEK also presented several panels this year, including the Starship Smackdown panel that closes out the Con. plus, my GEEKy colleagues are genuinely some of my favorite people in the world. with them, i spent the four days of the Con laughing, drinking, chatting, downing power bars, slamming espresso shots, barely sleeping, attending events and enjoying myself immensely. i cannot wait to do it again next year.


this guy does parties. i have his card.

note: all my photos from Comic Con 2013 can be seen on my Flickr account here. for a smaller sampling featuring the best cosplay, check out my photo essay on Grizzlybomb.com, the site run by my fellow GEEK writer/editor and good friend Brian Kronner. 


my favorite photo from the Con

my first gay wedding: i had the pleasure of attending the civil ceremony of some of my other favorite people in the world, my bestie, Jon-David, and his partner of 10 years, Cesar, at San Francisco City Hall. this was only a ceremony to solidify their status, as the actual wedding will take place next year, but it was still a magical thing to witness.


me with the newlyweds

it should go without saying that i support marriage equality 150%, and to me it’s ludicrous for gay rights to even be up for debate. i’ve always been an advocate for secular living and regard all organized religions to be laughable fairy tales that have no basis in reality or legislation. so it was especially touching to see the judge who married my friends, an elderly african-american lady, pronounce them “loving life partners” after they both said “i do.” i stood nearby, beaming, teary-eyed and incredibly thankful that i’m alive in a decade (and country) where this is possible.  


after the ceremony, a few of us went north to Calistoga for mud baths and rest. of course, we also stopped off at Bouchon Bakery in Yountville for the tastiest macarons on earth.

refinance: after five years of wanting this and three months of enduring a hellish escrow that rivaled the hellish escrow that came with purchasing my house, i refinanced my 40-year mortgage with three liens and needlessly high interest rate into a much more manageable 30-year mortgage with two liens and more agreeable interest rate.


the sheet i made for the appraiser, who appraised my house for far less than its purchase price plus the money i poured into it.

this is a game-changer for me, one that has shaved a considerable amount off my mortgage, which means i can pay off my debts faster. i’m overjoyed that this finally worked out, even though it had to involve many angry phone calls, four rate relocks (two of which i had to pay for), insane closing costs to rid myself of that third lien and the general grumpiness that comes with an escrow that feels never-ending. thankfully, it ended, turning me into a happy homeowner once more. 


family members toasting on my newly refinanced deck

half-marathon: i have officially become one of THOSE people by signing up for my first half marathon. don’t worry, i won’t be bothering anyone for money as this isn’t a fundraiser type of thing, only a vanity one. my cousin Gitella and i will complete it together this fall in Las Vegas. since signing up, i’ve surprised myself by actually training for the 13.1-mile trek, which must be completed in under four hours. this means i’ve spent plenty of time walking the three-mile track at the Rose Bowl. what’s more surprising is that the walks turned into runs (ok, an occasional light jog, but still).


en route to train with the furries

crazier yet is that i find myself actually looking forward to hitting the track lately, so i can scurry around it like an injured animal, as i mouth expletives and try to push through the pain in my shins, all for that elusive runners’ high i only read about in books. i know now that it’s very real and very cool. also cool is that i’ve been able to stuff my face full of carb-heavy food while still losing weight. i’m hoping i keep this up.

boyfriend: there should probably be much more fanfare around this announcement, but it will have to be relegated to just a bullet point. but yes, there is a boything now. no, i did not meet him on okstupid. i actually met him three years ago and dated him briefly then; he was even mentioned here a few times as the Costa Rican Cutie. but things didn’t work out, so we parted ways kindly and calmly, remaining friendly, until earlier this year when that friendship started to slide down the rabbit hole and fall into what it is now. and what it is now is pretty damn good.

i don’t want to say much more about it because 1) he isn’t thrilled with being written about on this blog; 2) if you know me in real life, or even just on Facebook, then you know about this already so it’s not big news; and 3) although i’m happy to make fun of strangers and online dating here (note: okstupid account has since been disabled), the people i keep closest to my heart i try to honor by keeping my big mouth shut about them. there’s really not much more to say beyond things are good, he is awesome and i am happy — and taking it day by day.


see? happy while frolicking on a beach. 

One-Hit Wonders: July 2013

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One-Hit Wonders: June 2013

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One-Hit Wonders: May 2013

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10 Years of The Milla Times

the original homepage

the first post, written 10 years today, read: “blah, blah, blah, testing, testing, testing.” i wrote it a few days before i traveled to London for an internship with radio newscaster the Voice of America. i was a student at USC Annenberg at the time, earning my master’s in journalism. the blog was meant to be part of a bigger website documenting my professional work (pictured above), with the name intending to be an ode to print journalism, not Miller Time. (the writing in all lowercase letters happened because i’m lazy.)

the blog also intended to fulfill a course requirement to document my experience working in London, where i would be staying for six weeks. i figured it would also be a good way to keep family and friends abreast of my time abroad as i planned to do some traveling through Europe with my then-boyfriend, Pablo, after the internship ended. we had been together about three-and-a-half years at that point.


standing on water in Amsterdam (2003)

this was in 2003, a time when blogs were spreading like STDs, as anyone who ever had a thought imagined it was a good idea to share that thought through the tubes of the internet. i was just another one of those people, though i never imagined the thought-sharing would continue for 10 years, or even one, figuring the blog would shut down soon after i returned home. but it kept propelling itself forward, driven by my enjoyment of writing and the egging on of several friends.

it probably would have ceased had it not been for some big news that was captured in my shortest blog entry ever in january 2004, titled The Big News in Six Words: “he cheated. i’m pissed. it’s over.” that kicked off an (arguably) more interesting life for me after the breakup with Pablo, which started with my graduation from USC; then chronicled my first experience with internet dating; my search for full-time employment; a short-lived relationship with my yoga instructor; getting my second dog, Pinko; falling in love with Mo; becoming a homeowner; breaking up with Mo; a big home remodel; getting published in the New York Times; my second experience with internet dating; and various vacations to destinations both domestic and abroad.

sprinkled throughout were posts detailing self-improvement, a few funerals, whining about work and money, annual posts on new year’s resolutions and my birthday, fabulous party pics and conversations with my family. all are searchable in the tags and archives in the right sidebar. to date, i’ve never deleted or rewritten a post, only corrected a few typos, though i’m sure i haven’t found them all. (if you catch a typo, email me about it. seriously.)


30th birthday (2006)

frankly, i’m stunned that i’m sitting here typing out post #476, but i wouldn’t have it any other way. i’m glad the blog happened and i have no intention of ever quitting this exercise in thought-sharing. it’s been one of the highlights of my life, precisely because it has captured so many highlights of my life. it’s better than just having a photo, as here i have not only photos but also internal snapshots of what i was thinking and feeling during those pivotal moments. being able to revisit those places has been a blessing (mostly).

it’s also been a curse, as there are too many posts that annoy the hell out of me. some i can’t read without eye rolls and hands covering my face. those are the ones in which i act like i have it all figured out, where my bravado is out of control and ego is in charge, posts that make me want to throttle myself, where i wonder, “who does this girl think she is?” i imagine i’ll be having the same thoughts in 10 years about posts i’m writing today. and that’s OK.


first photo ever taken on my deck (2008)

i sometimes get asked how i’ve become comfortable sharing so much of myself online. that’s odd for me, because i don’t think i share all that much. only about 10% of my life makes it onto this blog, with the remaining 90% lived privately. trust that there is plenty going on with me right now that i’m not telling you. and what does get shared must pass my standard test in which i ask myself, “would i share this in a room full of my friends?” affirmative answers get posted. (note that i didn’t write a room full of my closest friends, who get more information.)

of course, the internet is not known for being a friendly place, and i’ve been subject to plenty of nasty emails and comments over the years, because sharing your life online means opening yourself up to the judgment of others. that is also OK. i won’t be the type of person who goes on a reality show and then complains about how she was portrayed.

i put myself on display here. i write things that open the door for criticism. yet those same things keep me accountable to myself and others. they force me to think long and hard about them before i hit the Publish button to make sure i understand why i think the way i do. sure, i may change my mind later (and often do), with the blog post acting as a thorny reminder of how wrong i was, but that’s one of the purposes they serve. i need them to learn from, to remind me that i don’t have it all figured out, and to chronicle my evolution as a human being. 

the judgments of strangers are just the cost of doing business. nasty comments always say more about the nature of the internet and the writer than they do about me. they have no impact on my self-esteem because i’ve learned not to give them power. if you are a sensitive person, i recommend having a blog as immersion therapy. it will help you develop a thick skin quickly. the opinions of my close friends and family, however, do impact me. the handful of times i’ve disappointed anyone i care about with what i’ve written here, i’ve listened and tried to repair the damage.

i made some early mistakes about other people’s privacy here, especially when i broke up with Pablo. i was vengeful about his cheating and wrote some nasty things, which he called me on. i’ve learned from that experience and am now much more careful about what i disclose about the men in my life, for my sake and theirs.

oh, the men. no posts garner as much feedback both on and offline than the ones i’ve written about my love life. i am a pretty nosy person, too, so i understand the interest other people have about who’s getting into my pants. i’ve shared as much as i felt comfortable sharing, which is probably a lot less than the whole truth. a girl’s gotta have her secrets.

there have certainly been short-lived relationships and affairs left unchronicled, but they are not any more gripping than anyone else’s short-lived relationships and affairs. in my estimation, my walk through love has been (below?) average, with the typical assorted and sordid joys, heartaches, triumphs, foolishness, missteps, nonsense and unrequited crushes. if i’ve learned anything along the way, it’s that i don’t know anything. being single at 36 is evidence of this.


35th birthday (2011)

my own personal high/low lights of the past 10 years include:

• if there is anything i would urge all of you to read, either again or for the first time, it’s my posts on attending the Landmark Forum (read from the bottom up), an intensive, three-day, self-help seminar that i failed. i’m happy with the way i covered this experience and think the writing does a good job demonstrating my personality and writing style. the Landmark entries often come up in google searches and have generated the greatest amount of emails from strangers, who often share their own spooky experiences with me about their participation in the Forum. 

• i also receive a lot of emails about the post on Lan Vo, a psychic i once saw when i vacationed in Hawaii. similar to the Landmark emails, people share their own experiences with her. this one comes up a lot in Google hits as well.  

• the nastiest comment i ever received on a post, which was the only comment i’ve ever deleted, was on this post that discussed my grief over my ex-boyfriend’s murder. it read something to the effect of “i’m surprised you’re capable of feeling anything at all for another person, you selfish little bitch!” (related: i love the internet!) the post included his full name so it came up on google searches and it didn’t seem right for such a comment to appear alongside what was essentially my eulogy for him, as his friends were finding it. this same troll left nasty comments on other posts as well. i eventually blocked her IP address from replying to anything (only block i’ve ever made) and haven’t heard from her since.  

• about three years ago, i lost the comments from the first seven years of the blog. this happened when the comments provider (Haloscan) i used to rely on prior to enabling Blogger’s comments (which weren’t an option in 2003), went under, taking all its comments with it. if i regret anything in the past 10 years of blogging, it’s that i didn’t save those comments.

• when i first purchased my house, i submitted an essay about my decision to buy to a since-defunct LA Times real estate blog called LA Land. in short, it was a big disaster that included lots of nasty comments (since lost because of the Haloscan issue noted above). still, it was a great exercise in skin-thickening, and i’m pleased to get the last laugh as none of the commentators’ predictions that i would be in foreclosure have come to pass.

• my 10 favorite posts (in no particular order):
  
  • In Escrow, about the purchase of my house
  • Meet the Parents, about Mo’s first time at a family gathering
  • Of Fasts, Pasts and Funerals, about the legendary Kravitz sisters in my family
  • Out with a Whimper, first breakup with Mo which used to have the most comments of any post i’ve ever written (again lost in the Haloscan debacle)
  • You Might Want to Sit Down for This, about my dad’s heart surgery
  • Let’s Get Physical, about a “boyfriend” i had for a short while
  • Let Me Count the Ways, about my love of July
  • I Made It Through the Wilderness, about attending a Madonna concert
  • Me and Modern Love, about that New York Times thing i can’t stop talking about
  • Life’s Little Cruelties, wherein i complain about first-world problems

• i once had my biggest blog fan show up on my doorstep, which sounds way creepier than it actually ended up being. (hi, Juanus in Nebraska!) i think i looked at him as curiously as he looked at me, puzzled to why anyone who didn’t know me personally would read this thing. of course, i’m grateful that there are a few who do, though my web metrics show that most of you are my friends and family in California. yet i also see that i have a regular reader in Chelmsford, Massachusetts, and one who works for Saba Software in Redwood City. just know that i’m watching you watching me. not creepy at all, Internet. 

finally, a million thanks to you, dear reader, whoever you be and wherever you are. i couldn’t do this without you. actually, i could but it’s funner because you’re a part of it. special shoutouts to my parents, who’ve allowed me to repost our conversations here at their expense; Mo the architect, who’s reading this in Seattle and was always supportive of my writing, sometimes at his expense; my friends on Facebook, where most of the comments in response to blog posts now appear, making it look like i have no readers whatsoever here; my Haiku Wednesdays family; blogger Heather Armstrong of Dooce.com, who’s been a great inspiration; and, of course, the USC Annenberg School for Communication and Journalism, which made this all possible.

i raise my glass to the next 10 years. i hope you will remain a part of them.

original About Me section (click to enlarge)

OKStupiding

if you are my friend on Facebook, which i encourage you to be (but send me a note with your friend request if we don’t know each other in real life, otherwise you’ll fall into subscriber category), you may have seen me post a few OKStupid Awards that showcase the best of the worst of my experiences with this internet dating experiment i started earlier this year.

it’s been almost six months since i joined the site, having made a new year’s resolution to get out and date more. in those months, i have received around 300 messages. i don’t know if this is a lot or a little, so the inclusion of the number is not meant as a brag nor a complaint. i’m guessing that in a place as big as Los Angeles for a woman my age, it’s an average amount. to date, i have initiated contact with zero men, replied to maybe 25 who’ve contacted me first, and gone on four dates.

in short, it’s not going very well. i’m not really sure how to make it better, nor am i sure that i want to try. everything about it feels unnatural to me, even though i realize that in today’s day and age, online dating is as ubiquitous as Starbucks. everyone goes there for a fill because it’s convenient despite the fact that the product is shit. i say this with complete awareness that i make up a part of the product.

my friends tell me not to give up. the messages from douche bags and idiots are just the cost of doing business, they say. a friend’s sister-in-law’s manicurist’s hairdresser’s half-cousin’s barber’s plumber met her husband this way, i’ve been told. don’t get discouraged. he’s out there! every bad date brings you a date closer to the good date when you finally meet him. giving up ensures failure. keep at it, keep at it!

before i continue, i want to emphasize that not every single message i’ve received has been ridiculous. i know there are decent guys on these sites, my friends among them, and i don’t think i’m attracting more idiots than the average girl. the overwhelming majority of messages are innocuous — mostly of the “how, hi are you” variety — and from seemingly normal guys.

i have noticed that a good chunk of the messages have been from men who are either an Aries, a creative type or black. i’m good with everything but the Aries, which is known to clash with my sign. i definitely like the creative types, though i prefer ones who are more established than aspiring, and i’m generally open to all races (though closed to most religions). here’s an example of a great opening message to prove that they do actually exist:

when i have replied, the guys usually ask for a date very quickly, which i refuse, saying i’m a slow mover. i do this because a) i am a slow mover with this stuff; and b) if i wait long enough and keep the messages coming, the guy will usually disqualify himself by saying something overly sexual or stupid, which spares me from needing to sit through a bad date only to find out what the internet already knows — that it would never work.

the other scenario that happens quite frequently is that i’ll begin messaging with someone, and it will be going fine, with us doing the resume exchange where we discuss standard details like our hometowns, families and jobs, and then, without reason or warning, i’ll lose total interest in the exchange and quit responding. this generally happens when i sense that they are about to ask for a date.

i know it’s more me than them, but it’s a little them, too. because for me to be moved to action, to spend some of my very limited and always precious free time primping for and then enduring an awkward blind date with a stranger, i need a compelling reason that goes beyond just an opportunity to have a conversation with a new friend. i have old friends i don’t see enough. i’m not looking to add to that pile.

as i’ve noted before, i’m running this operation entirely on instincts and, most of the time, my instincts have told me to just walk away, so i have. but there have been a handful of times when my instincts have said, “what’s the harm of one drink?” admittedly, this usually happens after a long stretch of being holed up at home and working nonstop while eating packaged food and wearing yoga pants covered in dog hair. but if that’s what it takes to make a date happen, who am i to judge? so far, it’s happened four times, none of which resulted in a second date. (good job, instincts!)

1. the tech guy/writer: this one was a great starter date. i didn’t run out of the bar screaming, so i considered it a success. he was plenty nice and smart, resembled his profile, and we had a decent chat over two drinks. but ultimately there were no sparky sparks so we hugged goodbye and wished each other well.
   
   
2. the former wall street journal reporter (or so he said): obviously, his career was a big draw for me, as was the fact that his witty messages arrived largely free of grammatical errors. i had high hopes for this one, but he showed up smelling like marijuana and mentioned in the first hour that he had been arrested before, noting that “the jail in west hollywood was much nicer than the one in new york.” sigh.
   
   
3. the neuroscientist: leave it to the scientist to manufacture the chemistry. this guy was super smart, funny, cute, engaging and a great listener, and i was certain we would have another date, but, alas, he never called and my one message to him went unanswered. i can’t say it didn’t sting a bit, and i’ll never know why he vanished. my assumption is that other variables were at play at the same time i was (e.g., other girls), but he could have just thought i was ugly. through him, however, i learned a very important lesson about this internet business: not only will i have to sit through lousy dates that go nowhere, but also great dates that go nowhere. awesome!
   
   
4. the smart bodybuilder: this one was the science experiment that burned the lab down. he hit all the check boxes on paper: 6'4", jewish boy from LA, harvard degree, pursued two PhDs, lived in europe, and that bodybuilder thing made me curious. we met at a country club, which should have been my first red flag, but i’m into “trying new things” like a good internet dater, so i didn’t protest. another flag came when he mentioned his daughter for the first time, who was at the club’s daycare and would i like to meet her? this came at the end of the hourlong date, a time in which he never made eye contact with me and basically talked into his meaty shoulder, which convinced me he had Asperger syndrome.
   
   i declined politely, saying that i didn’t sense a love connection so i would be on my way. when i got home, i looked him up on facebook after hearing his surname at some point during the date and hey now, i had been on a date with a married man. exciting! naturally, i shot off a quick message calling him a “dick.” he wrote back saying his wife knew all about me and that they had had “several long-term, meaningful relationships with girls from Cupid.” this would have been nice to know BEFORE THE DATE. 

i could stay mad about the last one but it’s just too damn good to waste a grudge on. i’m quite happy to have it in my Horror Dating Stories Repertoire. imagine how much duller my complaints about online dating would be if i didn’t have this gem to throw out when the eye rolls started? it’s always been about the story, my whole life.

so where does the story go now? clearly, internet dating is failing me as much as i’m failing it. maybe it could work if i had a better attitude about it, as i know plenty of people who’ve met their partners this way. i’m just not sure that this is how i’m going to meet my partner. 

yet still, my bad attitude and i are desirous of love — that deep, meaningful, cloying type of love with butterflies and rainbows and dilated pupils and a long life spent together making each other alternately miserable and happy. i’ll stop short of saying i deserve it, because we all deserve it. so instead i’ll admit that i want it.

so i did the thing that i’ve done every other time i’ve wanted something in this world: i asked for it.

i sat down and had a long talk with the Powers That Be — be they buddha, allah, einstein, jesus, the universe, moses, dalai lama or bob marley. (to my areligious yet spirtual self, they are all the same anyway.) i commended them on all the funny jokes they’ve been playing on me before kindly asking them to stop already and instead offer me the thing i really want.

i told them that i’d stop, too — stop trying too hard to drive my love life. i’d put away the list and set my natural willfulness aside to make room for whatever is intended for me; i’d throw my hands up in surrender and focus on keeping the faith that life will take care of me in the way it always has before. “surprise me,”

i said, knowing that they would anyway. “bring me what i really need instead of what i think i want,” i asked, “but make it right, make it long-lasting and make me happy.”

i felt better immediately — lighter, freer, less panicked and burdened. i may have even done a happy jig while listening to Bob Marley’s Three Little Birds. it may have included jazz hands at one point (but only briefly). this is not to say that my love problem has been solved and i’m currently dating the man of my dreams, as i’m still dating no one right now, but at least i’m not preoccupied by it anymore.

i’ve used this set-it-and-forget-it approach with many other desires in my life, with things as simple as needing to find a parking space to more complex matters such as being published in The New York Times. i figure this everlasting love business is somewhere in the middle.

so now there’s nothing left for me to do but wait for that tall, dark, handsome stranger with soccer thighs to drop out of the sky and onto my doorstep, no doubt wrapped in a big red bow. or maybe he’ll start out as a thumbnail on OKStupid and magically hit all the right notes, prompting a date and a romantic walk on the beach. perhaps it will be someone i already know but haven’t seen in that way before or someone i don’t know who sees me in that way already. or maybe i’ll stay single for a few more years before some scenario i haven’t thought up yet plays itself out.

however it happens, it doesn’t matter. i just need to have faith that it will happen, on its own terms, not mine. and if it never does, i will be sad and disappointed and ultimately OK.

One-Hit Wonders: April 2013

...search terms inexplicably pulling up this blog...

• gaynipple.blogspot.com
• dating site self summary
• maya lin oregon
• adult italy movies.blogspot.com
• grandfathering on house side setback house
• my neighbors, my yard noise
• "head * unflushed toilet"
• picture of guy falling out of tree

Stuff and Things

not that anyone has been clamoring for my return to the blogosphere, but i’m going to apologize anyway for my absence. it’s been a busy few months for me. curing cancer is hard work. not that this is why i’ve been away. just saying that curing cancer is hard work. applause to all those who try. as for me, my time has been spent on the following, less glamorous, more tedious things:

• work: i’ve been silly slammed with the stuff, because i can never seem to say no to a paycheck. this has done wonders for my debt reduction, but has had poor implications for my social, leisure and fitness life as all i ever seem to do lately is sit on my ass and rot in front of my computer. GEEK magazine, for which i serve as copy editor, has been the biggest time-suck, so it’s a good thing i love the work and client. (related: GEEK has finally started offering subscriptions to the print magazine. get it, get it!)
  
  

i also had to complete a quarterly project for Cedars-Sinai that has me alphabetizing its donor list, a painstaking task that involves 200+ pages of names and funds that i organize into a hierarchy that only makes sense to me and them. then there’s the edit (total rewrite) of a self-help book written by a personal trainer, which is thankfully in its final stages and should be finished in the next week.
  
  

once that’s done and the next issue of GEEK ships, i hope to have a few days off to recover before i have to focus my weary eyes on the Haiku Wednesdays book, an essay i’ve been working on, and my abandoned to-do list that’s full of enviable tasks like cleaning out the garage and painting the bathroom. oh yeah, and blogging. i’ll be doing more of that, too.


 

• house: the blue tarp i had over my roof since december started to look a little unseemly so i called up my contractor and had him replace the entire roof. the leak had been in the front bedroom, where a water bubble the size of a softball would appear in the drywall after a heavy rain. with the roof done (looks sexy, right?), every part of the main house has seen an upgrade, save the bathroom, which is why i plan to paint it.     


  
  late march also saw the five-year anniversary of my being a homeowner. to commemorate the occasion, i called up my local credit union and began the fun-filled process of refinancing my mortgage. that’s been another time-suck with its maze of bank statements, good faith estimates, missing paperwork and frequent phone calls. i’m happy to report that the appraisal went well enough to ensure that the refi would be possible, but fell way short of reflecting all the money i’ve spent on the house. of course, i have no plans to move anytime soon and, if anything, am looking forward to reducing my mortgage so i can take that extra money and pour it into the next project — either the landscaping or garage conversion. 


 

• okstupid: there’s a lengthier post coming about this, which details the handful of dates i’ve been on since joining okcupid in january, but let me get to the punchline now: i am still single. there has been no knight in shining armor sweeping me off my feet and onto his horse so we may gallop into the sunset together. there have been a couple court jesters, though. but mostly it’s been as dull and ridiculous as i thought it would be.
  
  the dates are infrequent and my attitude is still as shitty as it was when i wrote this post about joining the dating site. at this point, i’m not sure how much longer this little experiment will last. what i do know is that i have no plans to kick it into high gear and become some super dating machine, as friends have suggested. i’d much rather spend that energy being my natural social self and hopefully meeting men the organic way. 
here’s to hoping. that’s all i really have.