The Conversation Chronicles: Russian Expressions

me: i have the hiccups.

mom: someone must be thinking about you in the bathroom.

me: what? i thought hiccups just meant that somebody is thinking about you. that’s what you always told me it meant when i was a kid.

mom: that was only half of it. you were probably too young to understand the other half. but where do you do your heavy thinking anyway? the bathroom.

me: not really.

dad: what you two talk about?

me: i have the hiccups.

dad: oh yeah? someone you know go bathroom with you.

me: this changes everything. i always thought it was a sweet expression before.

dad: they have no sweet expression in Russia.

The Conversation Chronicles: Mom’s Baby Advice

mom: so i saw on Facebook that Jon-David was in town. you guys hang out?

me: yep, he was here last weekend. we had such a good time together. we ate a lot and went to the LACMA.

mom: that’s nice. have you ever thought about, maybe, you know having baby with him?

me: ummmm... never seriously, kind of more like a joke. i am still hoping plan A works out.

mom: what is plan A?

me: meeting someone and falling in love. then comes the baby. you know, the old-fashioned way. 

mom: well, it’s something to consider. you should talk about it with him.

me: wow.

mom: what?

me: it’s just that you have really come a long way — from communist russia to california suggesting to your single daughter that she have a baby with her gay best friend. i’m impressed.

The Conversation Chronicles: Dad’s Dating Advice

pops: so what’s going on in your life, Meel? anything interesting?

me: same stuff as always, Pops. mostly work.  

pops: what about social life? got something?

me: nothing worth mentioning.

pops: no? you know you not young girl anymore, Meel. you a woman now. time to get serious.

me: yeah, Pops, i know how old i am.

pops: it funny. all these years i never meet one man i think be good for my daughter. something always wrong. this one a cheat, other one a drunk, this one a gambler, this one lazy. 

me: and now you know what i deal with.

pops: but i got a feeling for you. i think somebody out there special just for you. he’s looking for you and you looking for him. but when he’s over there, you’re over here. and then you go over there and he comes over here, like you just miss each other. so far you don’t meet but you will.

me: oh yeah? and what’s he like?

pops: well, i think he a little older than you. good if he has own business. maybe married before but no kids. and he smarter than you, not too much, but enough to know how to deal with you. you know you’re not an easy woman. you need special man.

me: really? how am i not easy? this is all very interesting.

pops: you don’t like to listen to nobody. if you did, i would tell you what to do and you would do it long time ago. but you do what you want to do always. you too independent. not all men like it. they get scared, so you need special man that like it and look for it. but not a weak man. somebody strong that wants somebody also strong.

me: ok, i hope you’re right.

pops: i’m right. i got a feeling for you. take it easy, baby. you meet one day. 

The Conversation Chronicles: From My Birthday Dinner

dad: so i have little joke for you. i just remember it.

me: ok.

dad: it’s from Benny Hill. i was watching it long time ago, old show.

me: i know that show. i used to watch it with you when i was little. i don’t think i understood it at the time.

dad: oh, good. but you understand it now?

me: yeah, pretty sure i do now.

dad: ok, so Benny is in bed with his old wife after seeing young girls in the little skirts. you know how he chase girls. and he look at his wife all sad and say mean to her, “goodnight, mother of three.” and she look at him and say, “goodnight, father of one.” get it?

me: i think i do. very nice, pops.

dad: ok, so now let’s toast to your birthday.

The Conversation Chronicles: Dad's Birthday Dinner

dad: i want to drink for this country, thank it for saving our lifes.

me: second shot of vodka, right on time.

dad: if we were in russia, i would be dead long time ago.

my sister: here he goes again.

dad: it's true. i would be dead and you and your sister would be prostitutes.

{my sister and i exchange confused glances.}

me: well, that's a new one.

my sister: how do you figure that, dad?

dad: it happened to a lot of girls. and if i'm dead, it would happen to you.

me: i'll drink to not being a prostitute.

my sister: and now we'll be drinking to this at every family gathering.

me: yep.

The Conversation Chronicles: Rotten Eggs

mom: so i was talking to some of my girlfriends, honey, and you know how we often talk about our kids.

me: yep. please don’t tell me you’re going to try to set me up with one of their sons.

mom: no, of course not. i know you like to pick your own men. anyway, one of them told me how doctors can freeze your eggs now so you can use them later when you’re ready to have kids.

me: really, mom? has it come to this already?

mom: have you heard about this procedure?

me: yep, i’ve heard. but can you not count me out just yet? i still have some good years left until menopause.

mom: but your eggs are getting older and that’s not good for a baby. you might want to consider this.

me: can we talk about this again in a few years or maybe never again?

mom: think about it.

me: ok.

The Conversation Chronicles: Sign of the Times

me, answering my cell phone: hello.

some chick: hi, is this milla?

me: yes it is.

some chick: hi, milla. this is Amanda calling [from that agency that sometimes gets you freelance work, but is doing a lousy job of finding you anything lately.] do you have a minute to talk?

me, getting excited about the possibility of new freelance work: SURE! I CAN TALK!

Amanda: great. we’re doing our yearly check-in with all our freelancers and i just wanted to give you a call to see how things were going with you.

me: things are good. i still have my full-time day job, but i’m always looking for proofreading assignments i can work from home on weeknights and weekends. has anything like that opened up?

Amanda: not lately, but i’ll keep an eye out for you. i was also wondering how things were going in your current company, if you guys have any openings you need filled.

me: i doubt that we do. we just had a big round of layoffs so i don’t think they are hiring right now.

Amanda: oh, ok. well, maybe i can add your email to receive our weekly newsletter that has a list of all our available freelancers, and if you hear of any openings that might match the skill sets of the people on the list, you can let me know. does that sound ok?

me: ummm, not really. i don’t work in human resources so i’m not at all responsible for the hirings and firings that go on at my company. i don’t think i can help you with that one.

Amanda: maybe you can forward the newsletter to everyone you know who’s looking for talent. how about that?

me: i don’t know anyone looking for talent. the people i know are all looking for jobs.

Amanda: yeah, i wish we had more we could offer, but business around here has been slow. so if you hear of any opening at all, please let me know, ok?

me: will do, though this is definitely a first. usually i’m the one calling you guys for work, not the other way around.

The Conversation Chronicles: Cute Dog Videos

Me: can i show you a cute dog video i found on the internet today?

Mo stares at me blankly.

Me: what? you got something against cute dogs?

Mo: that should be your next conversation chronicle. write “Milla to Mo: can i show you a cute dog video?” and then don’t write anything else. just leave it at that.

Me: so... do you want to see it? it’s really, really cute.

Mo: yeah, OK.

The Conversation Chronicles: The Jerk Off

background: Mo and i are at my parents’ house on new year’s day to eat their food and exchange gifts. Mo has just opened his gift from my parents, a pretty nice sweater they bought him while they were in Israel a few weeks earlier. he turns to thank my ma.

Mo: wow, thanks. this is a great sweater, Ida. i will definitely wear it.

Ma: really?

Mo: yeah. it’s a terrific gift. thank you. it’s really great. i mean that.

Ma: do you mean that or are you just jerking me off?

Me: wow, maaa! did you really just say that?

Ma: well sometimes i can’t tell if he’s kidding or being serious.

Me: but you just asked him if he was jerking you off.

Ma: yeah, i did. so what?

Me:: so nothing. it’s pretty cool.

The Conversation Chronicles: Monday Night Television

me: what are you watching?

Mo: it’s this documentary on the second world war.

me: oh. ok, i’m going to go lie down in bed and read.

Mo: why don’t you watch some of it with me?

me: i don’t really like watching that type of thing.

Mo: why not?

narrator voice booms from the tv set: ...the nazis stepped up their cruelty and used increasingly sadistic measures in their quest to exterminate the jews.