Saturday, May 28, 2011

One-Hit Wonders: May 2011 terms inexplicably pulling up this blog...
  • oh no don't tickle me
  • "bionic woman" straitjacket
  • dating lovers world-wide ""
  • happy anniversary to me! at my job
  • amazing little bitches milla free
  • big tiits europa tube galore
  • "sophisticated name" raise work boss
  • rottweiler paws
  • when did george costanza say "entire universe is against me"
  • itchy tits nipples are related to std

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Product Placement

this will likely be the first of many posts in which i will shill products, places and things that i’m into. or maybe this will be the only post of its kind and i’ll never do it again. i will rely on you, sexy reader, to tell me if this is helpful or a total waste of time (like all my other posts), so please speak up, sexxxy.

but before i begin, i should disclose that i’m getting no compensation whatsoever from the manufacturers and proprietors for promoting their stuff here. ZERO. this is a damn shame, too, because i’m a total whore for hire who has no problem with kickbacks and schwag, but since i’m not known around the internets for having a lot of readers or being a Blogger People Trust, i don’t normally get those kinds of offers.

this means that my promotion of these things is coming from the kindness of my cold, black heart, which believes that these things may make your life infinitely better in the same way that they’ve made mine. and if not, tough titties. not like those suckers paid me to be their spokesperson anyway.
  • speaking of titties: if you are a busty gal like me, head over to Jenette’s Bras in Hollywood, my bra purveyor of choice. the bras there are designed for “the overdeveloped and underserved,” specializing in sizes D through K. (yes, K!) their bras are all well-crafted, with straps that never slip and bands that don’t cut into your skin. i have found some killer bras that make my girls look positively perfect at Jenette’s. and no, i won’t post photos.

  • when nair’s not enough: laser hair removal to the rescue! i found a great place in Pasadena, run by twin armenian sisters, where i’ve gone for several treatments of various body parts (won’t post photos of that either), but trust that the change has been life-altering. getting lasered doesn’t hurt that much, so quit being a big baby about the pain, which is akin to snapping a rubberband on your skin repeatedly. just know that it’s ineffective for people with fine hair, so don’t bother going there if you’re blond as this treatment is only for people with dark, coarse, stubborn hair — probably the one time that having it has ever worked to my advantage.

  • my future ex-husband: i mean, my latest music obsession is a rapper known as Childish Gambino, who is also known as Donald Glover, the actor on Community. beyond being ridiculously hot and stylish, he is a talented actor, writer, musician and standup comedian. i have been obsessed with all his work for the past year and had the chance to see his show at the Music Box in Hollywood a few weeks ago, where he blew me away. i’m sure mega fame and fortune will find him shortly, so i wanted to score cool points by saying that i was listening to his music way before he got as big as Kanye. (and if you’re reading this, Donald, call me!)

  • mmm... barbecue: i recently attended a media event at Wildwood Ovens, a local spot that sells wood-fired ovens and brazilian bbqs to the public in addition to offering cooking classes and hosting private events. i was invited by the lovely food blogger Tuna Toast, a fellow NELA resident who was serving up drool-worthy churrasco and homemade pizza (in addition to wine). considering that the food and booze were free, this may be the only endorsement i have been “paid” to write, but the truth is that i really loved this place and am even thinking of hosting my annual birthday here. you should check it out.

  • self-promotion: i just added a followers widget to the sidebar at the right. please push the button to add me to your blogger feed and validate my existence. and if you need any freelance work that involves the writing, editing or proofreading of words, i’m still hustling like a whore in church (or, alternatively, like a girl who has impending home repairs), so send some my way, pretty please with a churrasco on top. thanks for playing!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

First-World Problems

all the socializing i’ve been engaging in lately has made it hard to find time to blog. i know that you’re rooting for me in this not-at-all-difficult time and i thank you for your prayers and continued support as i carry on with my hectic schedule of dinners, parties, concerts, art openings, group hikes and meetups at bars.

regular blogging will probably resume never as i know roughly 10 people who were born in june (myself included) and will likely host more events i need to attend to commemorate their day of birth (myself also included).

so sorry, bloggy, for neglecting you. i’ve been thinking about you a lot and fully intend to finish those few entires you have been storing for me in draft form, some of which have been sitting dusty on your shelf for months.

i also want to take this opportunity to wish you a very happy birthday. you turned 7 years old yesterday, a lucky number that will hopefully translate into a very lucky year for your mama, who is turning 35 years old next month. may we both be guided from above as we navigate through our next year of life, which is sure to be full of suspense and intrigue (a.k.a. bills and alarm clocks).

speaking of bills, i need to hunt down some freelance work to pay for the major home remodel that is scheduled to start next month — as well as the endless socializing that is scheduled to continue into next month. so if you or anyone you know is in need of a stellar writer, editor, proofreader, fact-checker or QA tester, hit me up, yo. (references furnished upon request.)

and if anyone knows how to add more hours to the day so i may have enough time to work, socialize, blog and sleep, please make that happen. gotta run for now. kthxbye!

Sunday, May 01, 2011


that’s not a typo. it’s been pretty shitty lately. i had a hell of a time renewing my homeowner’s insurance policy this year. the problem: my deck. an adjuster who came out for a completely unrelated issue about 9 months ago decided she didn’t like it and said my policy shouldn’t be renewed because of it.

of course i only found this out when the policy was up for renewal a few months ago. after much scrambling and sending photos and phone calls and pleading, my original insurer dropped me and i had to find coverage elsewhere, which i managed to do (barely). the problem: the new coverage sucks hairy donkey balls despite costing the same as gilded donkey balls. plus, it doesn’t even cover my deck.

admittedly, my deck does suck. it’s old and rickety and ugly. it’s endured years of damage by water, termites and dry rot. but thanks to gravity, it’s still upright and fairly secure (though i wouldn’t invite 20 people to stand on it at once). my intention was always to replace it... eventually. the issue with replacing it is that the deck is attached to the house by a ledger, which is attached to the house’s siding, which also needs to be replaced. see where i’m going with this?

in order to replace my deck, i have to replace my house’s siding, which means a total exterior remodel. and that means a hell of a lot of money. i know i could probably do it for cheap if i went with stucco over wood siding, and i know i could probably cut a bunch of corners to shave off additional costs, but i refuse to skimp on my home, so spare me the unsolicited advice.

after seeing what cheapness does to a house — courtesy of my home’s former owners who used masking tape to glue broken mirrors together — i have come to recognize that people, indeed, get what they pay for. this doesn’t mean i’ll be importing italian marble or crystal chandeliers for this remodel (which are tacky anyway), but it does mean that i’ll be going with the highly durable and weather-resistant redwood over a cheaper wood for the deck.

luckily, i already have design plans in place for the house, courtesy of my architect ex Mo, who completed them before he was my ex. the plans are perfect and will do much to restore my little 1920s bungalow to its craftsman glory. i’m actually quite excited to see them executed despite also being scared shitless about how a months-long full exterior remodel is going to impact my life. i imagine it will put all that LA-asshole-zen shit i’ve been spewing lately to the test. serenity now, bitches.

the bright side is that i love my very reasonable, responsible and ethical contractor, Platon Markarian — call him for all your remodeling needs (but only after he’s finished with my house at the end of the summer) cell: 818.279.3118. this is the same contractor who did all the interior work on my house before i moved in; he also just finished building my neighbor’s new deck. he gets the vision for the house and is not a corner-cutter, always producing high-quality work, so i trust him without reservation.

but before Platon can hammer one nail into my house, i first have to take down my old deck, which will be done via a deck demolition party, where i will give my friends baseball bats, crowbars and permission to go to town on the most expensive investment i’ve ever made. afterwards, i will hammer them with beer.

but before i can even do that, i need to find a bag of money, preferably one with an endless bottom. and because those seedlings for the money tree i ordered off that cracker jack box never sprouted, i have to rely on banks and credit unions to help me out. thus, i’m kicking off my Begging for Money tour across the southland, effective immediately, which will find me cozying up to various bank tellers while trying to slip my hand in the cash drawer. wish me luck.