Tuesday, December 29, 2009

One-Hit Wonders: December 2009

  • albufeira+happy ending massage

  • tiger woods doughnut waitress

  • case of the sads

  • drunk attention whore

  • accidentally swallowed shell crab or mussel or clam

  • how far is eureka from the oregon border?

  • iron pills feeling edgy

  • can i leave room now deo we big finish yeah men

  • "learning tree international" ridicule

  • mexico wastelands

  • horrendous pierced lactating tits

  • can you eat milla plant

  • pour out a little liquor

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Season's Greetings

Two-Headed Dog

i know i’ve been lousy about posting lately, but it’s the holidays and i’m milking the little downtime i have. more frequent posting will resume after the new year. for now, allow me to send this holiday e-greeting to your mantle, but please do NOT place it next to the card sent by your dentist. he’s a creep. put it next to your favorite friend’s card. a little to the right. that’s better. thanks.

from my home to yours, i wish you, your family, your friends, your pets and your plants the most joyous holiday season imaginable, one that blows your mind with its sheer magnificence. i hope 2010 is the magical year that brings you every last thing your heart desires. most of all, i hope it brings you good times, great health, gainful employment and all the love in the universe. count your blessings. pet your pets. practice happiness. make a toast. tell your people you love them. be guided by good and have faith that the world will be your reward.

as always, thanks for reading.

Sunday, December 13, 2009


so much for rest and relaxation during december. i had severely miscalculated this month, thinking foolishly that i would spend it living a leisurely existence. i was sure i’d finally get some downtime at work, with weekends free to gallivant with friends and finally accomplish the myriad low priority items that have been languishing on my to-do list for months (hello, cleaning out the garage), things i promised myself i’d get done before the end of the year.

but here i am a few weeks away from january and the garage is still a mess and i haven’t even finished chronicling the two-week roadtrip i began on labor day. so what the hell happened? of course work is the perpetual culprit, with the day jobby and freelance gigs keeping me busier than the trash man on trash day, which is surprising given the seasonal slowdown i usually encounter this time of year.

but hey, i’m not complaining, especially since the first half of the year was spent losing freelance clients and worrying that i would be laid off. others, of course, had it way worse. in truth, there is not much i will miss about 2009. easily, the highlight of the year was the roadtrip to Portland, where i saw my baby cousin get married. my springtime trip to new york wasn’t shabby either. low lights include the leaky fridge kitchen disaster in March and watching both my parents, countless friends and 15% of my coworkers get laid off.

when midnight arrives on new year’s eve, i plan to smile wide with the knowledge that this shithole of a year has been left behind. i will then kiss my Mo and smile wide with the knowledge that fabulous things await in 2010. there will be plenty of home improvement and personal development and leisure time and published writing and lottery winning. i will also finally clean out the garage. before that, i will write the final posts chronicling my roadtrip. but first, a nap.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Dish-Interested: Cheating 101 for Tiger Woods

Photo courtesy of Osmosis Online

Oh, Tiger Woods, we hardly knew you! On the list of public figures most likely to be a philanderer, who would have put you at the top? Even though you are a pro athlete — and we all know pro athletes are prone to cheating (*cough* *cough* Kobe) — the squeaky clean image you’ve spent your entire career cultivating rendered you so impossibly vanilla that when rumors first swirled about your infidelity with some trashy New York party girl, I dismissed them immediately because I didn’t believe you were interesting enough to cheat on your wife.

Then came the car accident that doubled as a domestic dispute, followed by another trashy girl coming forward claiming that she got a look at your 9-iron, this time an L.A. cocktail waitress who sold her story to a tabloid, complete with racy texts and a voicemail purportedly from a nervous you, saying that, “Hi, this is Tiger… My wife went through my phone and may be calling you.” And then came the cherry on top...