Tuesday, March 29, 2011

One-Hit Wonders: March 2011

... search terms inexplicably pulling up this blog ...
  • what happens when a narcissist does the landmark forum?
  • nicest tits in the antelope valley
  • satirical motivational poster
  • miss siberia 2006 mila
  • mom fucking our dog
  • "maintained my journalistic distance"
  • do they have pens at the newseum
  • russianonlinesex.com
  • wet her pants
  • you are but dust and to dust you shall return

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Dogliness Update


the OG: Juice will be 9 years old this year. this blows me away. i’ve had her since she was six weeks old, a time when i used to carry her around in my purse. she weighs 70 pounds now. it’s not an exaggeration to say she’s a stunning dog in every way. no one ever fails to comment on her beauty, to ask what her breed is (shepherd mutt), to notice how soft her fur is, how sweet her demeanor is and how she seems so much younger than her nine years.

i took this for granted, i suppose, figuring she would stay perfect until time immemorial. but then a tumor popped up on her head. i tried to ignore it at first, thinking it was some temporary swelling, maybe a bumpy bite that would go away on its own. i took her to the vet, who said there was no cause for alarm unless the tumor grew.


it grew: and began colliding with my hand every time i pet Juice’s head, reminding me of her age. around that time, Juice also began having accidents, usually when she was stretched out and relaxed, her bladder emptying itself on the floor, the dog bed, sometimes the couch — also reminding me of her age.

i took her back to the vet, where lab results revealed that she had “crystals in her urine,” which could lead to bladder stones, which could lead to surgery. a special diet was required in the form of costly prescription dog food. Juice hated it, and Juice (like me) hates no food, eating pretty much anything that is put in front of her. but here she was skipping meals and lumbering around the house with sad eyes during feedings. this lasted three months, a time when Juice seemed nothing short of miserable, which made me miserable. and yet the crystals weren’t eliminated entirely, only reduced, making me wonder whether there was a better way.


the better way: it came my way during a facial, performed by my awesome facialist Anna, who mentioned that she cooked for her dogs every day. i told her my issues with Juice’s health and she suggested i mix some human-grade kibble with carrots, rice, parsley and flax seed oil. so i did. Juice loved it. even Pinko loved it and Pinko is a picky eater. suddenly, a new doggy diet was born.


months passed: and the diet evolved, so much so that the kibble was eliminated entirely. now they’ll eat almost any vegetable i throw into their bowl. in the photo above, there are carrots, rice, shredded zucchini, cauliflower, butternut squash and sardine oil. and just this week i started adding boiled gizzards to their meals (they are over the moon with that one). meanwhile, i’m eating frozen pizzas from Trader Joe’s.


the new G: Pinko just turned four years old. this also blows me away. we’ve come such a long way when i first got her in 2007 as a birthday gift for Juice. she was a challenging dog then, still is in many ways. she came to me with major food aggression issues that were a bear to work around. but we kept working and she kept improving and i think i did, too, with her teaching me patience, dedication and unconditional acceptance. the last one was the hardest lesson for me to learn, as i was convinced i could turn this new Deuce into my perfect Juice.


no such luck: she was resolute in her Pinko-ness: a charm of extremes that waffles between sassy defiance and insecure neediness. the dog is constantly howling, herding, jumping and inserting herself wherever she wants to be, which is usually right in the middle of where she shouldn’t be.

and then the ears go down and she breaks the sweetness meter with her affection and need for love. she frightens easily and always ends up burrowing into various body parts (from legs to armpit) for safety, where she will hide her whole head until she feels reassured. then she’ll perk up, sass up and steal a toy from Juice’s mouth.

Two-Headed Dog

dog fusion: these dogs could not be more different. i always call Juice the “gateway dog,” as she will turn non-dog-lovers into fans with her effortless charm and easygoing nature. but Cheddar (Pinko’s other, more common name now) is more of an acquired taste. she’s the funny one full of personality — the class clown who sort of annoys you at first, but ultimately wins you over with her heart of gold. to know her is to love her. it can take some effort, but the rewards are divine.


partners in crime: despite their differences, these two make awesome companions for each other, breaking out in spontaneous play constantly. they’ll wrestle, engage in a little tug-of-war, compete for food and attention, pee on the same spots and then snuggle through the night. they are inseparable and love each other first above all else, even above me, which i’ve grown OK with (sort of).


back to the OG: her health is good again. the new diet did much to help her budding bladder stones and crystallized urine. she has stopped wetting herself and seems more joyful and energized. i also had her undergo a local anesthetic to have the tumor on her head removed, which left her physically flawless once again. i’m sure she’ll live forever now.


bonus shot: the costa rican cutie and i took a drive up the 5 freeway for a snow day with the pups, where this awesome shot was taken. Juice LOVED the snow and wanted me to spend all my time lobbing snowballs into her mouth. naturally, i obliged.

Thursday, March 03, 2011


because meditation, yoga and a meatless february haven’t rendered me boring enough, i figured that adding a little acupuncture to my life would be just the thing needed to complete my transformation into a humorless hippie. soon, i’m sure i’ll be living in an ashram in Big Sur, where i will eat twigs and be known by the name of Fairy Dust. (or maybe Farty Dust given the amount of vegetables i’ve been eating lately.)

the acupuncture was really a whim, initiated only because a new martial arts/chinese medicine center opened in my area and offered a discounted session for first-timers. i hadn’t thought too much about acupuncture before, only heard (mostly good) things about it from various friends who’ve indulged. i didn’t even have a specific health problem i needed to resolve.

i was simply curious, so i went in and met with the nice white doctor specializing in chinese medicine, who asked me a slew of questions far more detailed than any western doctor has ever asked me. we spent nearly an hour talking about things like my sleep patterns and skin, my periods and stress levels, my diet and family medical history. there was some talk of yin and yang, chi and heat. he looked at my tongue (yellowish coat in the back, not good) and took my pulse in four different places (kidney pulse very weak).

when he asked what i hoped the acupuncture would achieve, like any self-respecting, body-conscious woman in los angeles, i said i wanted to lose weight by speeding up my metabolism, which has slowed to a snail’s crawl since i hit my thirties. i also told him i wanted more energy, more balance, more youthful vigor and general zen-ness-ness.

with that, i got on the massage table and prepared for the needling. in general, i’m ok with needles as long as i don’t see them pierce my skin, so i kept my eyes closed for the whole affair. he started by putting a little alcohol on the spots where the needles would go — eight on my lower legs and feet, one in my belly, four in my forearms and one at the top of my head. except for the needles in my belly and head, the placements were symmetrical, so if my left wrist got a needle, my right wrist would too.

i didn’t feel too much pain beyond a little pinch when the needle was inserted and then twisted slightly to deepen its reach. placing the needles took only a few minutes. the doc left me alone for about 20 minutes after he was done, a time when i felt very little occurring in my body beyond a general swirling and swooshing of energy. it’s hard to describe because the sensation was so subtle, almost imperceptible, but something was definitely happening. mostly, i felt very, very relaxed — with any tension i was carrying in my body fleeing from me like cockroaches in the light.

the bliss continued after the doc came to take the needles out (totally painless) and even after i paid for the session (sixty bucks). the feeling was heavenly and glorious, similar to one i’d get after emerging from a two-hour massage at the day spa, not a half-hour interlude of being stabbed with needles. everything was amazing — i felt calm and clear, like a mistress of zen (“radiant” is the word the doc used to describe the dumb look on my face). i was so ridiculously joyful, in fact, that i bought a discounted 10-pack of sessions on the spot. the doc could have asked to see a boob or borrow my car and i probably would have obliged. i was feeling that good.

three sessions later and i’m still feeling mighty good. i realize it could all be psychosomatic, but an artificial high is still a high, so i’ll take it. i’ve also had more energy, better sleep and a generally pleasant disposition — a stark contrast to my usually cynical self. (am i an LA asshole yet? is it time to be taken to the back of the barn and shot? just let me know.)

my appetite has been ravenous so i think my metabolism has indeed sped up. now if i could just stop overeating to compensate, i think i would lose some weight. thankfully, the meatlessness has shaved a few pounds off already, and my body has felt so lovely that i decided to extend the nonsense into march. this makes two whole months of no meat, which is a record for me. though i can’t claim that i’m not dying for a steak cooked medium rare and topped with a gorgonzola sauce, i know that i’m not dying without one (despite thinking about it nonstop for the past 31 days).

and while i don’t think i’ve sworn off eating dead animals forever, i have inched closer toward the healthier lifestyle i’ve always envisioned myself leading — one that’s kinder and gentler, cleaner and leaner. hopefully, i can go meatless for a whole three months next year, which would be a personal miracle for me. i think all ashrams are vegetarian anyway, so it makes sense to get ready for it now. in the meantime, i’ll keep acupuncturing, keep meditating and will take the steps i need to take to officially change my name to Fairy Dust.