Thursday, June 30, 2011

One-Hit Wonders: June 2011 terms inexplicably pulling up this blog...
  • big tiits
  • is landmark education taking over my church
  • john taylor's costume sing blue silver
  • newseum headlines in restrooms
  • фото milla, cristal may - amazing little bitches
  • gravity and brevity
  • daddy sucks my lactating tits
  • mountain lion signs
  • oyster dozen
  • landmark forum killed my artistic inclinations

Monday, June 27, 2011


seems like it was just yesterday that i was turning 30 and having a panic about it, and here comes 35 barreling toward me, reminding me that it could be so much worse. “wait until you turn 40,” i can hear my older friends saying, to which i reply, “ok, i’ll wait.”

of course, i know this birthday doesn’t have to be a thing unless i make it a thing, and clearly i am making it a thing. which doesn’t mean that i’m making it a bad thing. but i do rely on my birthday as a midyear checkpoint of sorts, a time when i take inventory, re-evaluate my goals, review the past year and prepare for the next one.

six months from now, i’ll be doing the same thing around the holidays, though i’ll likely add in a few laments about the cruelty of time, the solitude of winter and how i can’t stop eating all the fruitcake left around the office.

goal-wise, i think i am doing ok. not great, not horrible, but about average. long-time readers may remember a list of goals i made around my 30th birthday — and dumbly immortalized on this blog — that i intended to accomplish by 40, a list i review every year, cringing. it’s replicated below, with notes made in italics.
  • have a kid! maybe even two (three tops). maybe this won’t play out completely perfectly, maybe you’ll need to visit the sperm bank when you hit your “scary age” but have a kid at some point, even if it’s just one, because from the outside, parenthood looks interesting, exhausting, otherworldly and definitely worth knowing.
    let’s jump directly to the heavy stuff, eh? yeah, this one is tough because, halfway through my thirties, i’ve never felt further from this goal. parenthood is still very much something i want to experience, and intend to, but the hows and whens of this are still a mystery. thankfully, i’m not quite near the point of panic yet, despite my “advanced maternal age,” so i’ll continue to save this for later.
  • don’t get married just to have a kid or just to be married. honor the promise you made to yourself regarding marriage — that you’ll do it only if it feels absolutely right in your bones, your blood and your brain. and even then reconsider.
    still happily unmarried, so i’m doing great with this one. my dad said to me the other week, “i don’t think you’ll ever get married. but not because you can’t, but because you don’t want to.” and he’s absolutely right. of course, i could be persuaded if circumstances rearranged themselves, but i would never force it. and yes, you nosy bastards, i am still seeing the costa rican cutie, but i’m not telling the internet anything (yet).
  • write a friggin book! or two or ten. find the time and discipline and just write already. potential without action is worthless. publish or perish, bitch.
    shut up, slut! i’m working on it. sort of. ok, not really. fuck, i need to get on this. thanks for making me hate myself. but i know i’ll hate myself even more if i never really try to make it as a writer. to this end, i have enrolled in writing classes this year, which i’m hoping will force me to finally put the internet away so i can tackle the blank page.
  • quit being negative. we’ve gone over this before.
    yes, we have and i’m sooooo much better. all that meditation mumbo jumbo has really turned me into a pollyannish LA asshole. my moods and restlessness are much more manageable now. and on those rare instances when i do feel them running away from me, there’s always cheesecake.
  • recognize that everything that’s happened up to this moment, whether good or bad, is not as important as what happens after this moment. remind yourself every day that the past does not have to impact the future.
    yep, yep, yep.
  • get better at buying your own bullshit if you expect other people to.
    this is lousy advice that will be removed from this list. there should be no bullshit being bought and sold, because belief in myself should not be based on bullshit. it should be based on self-delusion.
  • buy some property. g-d ain’t making any more real estate. and then sell the property. paper equity is not as good as money in the bank.
    hurray for homeownership, though i’m not selling anytime soon.
  • dogs. have more.
    as this was written in pre-Pinko days, i’d say i’m on track with this one. and i don’t doubt there will be more dogs in my future.
  • all that adult shit that your pops has been telling you about for years — saving for retirement, insuring everything, maintaining good credit — subscribe to it. also, eradicate all student debt by 40.
    adult shit is in really good shape, with special thanks owed to that day jobby in finance i’ve been working at for the past six years. my credit is solid, my retirement is being saved for, and my debts are being eradicated (as long as we don’t count all that new home remodel debt i’m about to accrue).
  • prepare for deaths in the family. you aren’t the only one who’s aging.
    ok, but we don’t need to talk about that now.
  • don’t bother with people you don’t care for, tasks you don’t need to do and situations you’d rather not be in. you have the freedom to politely excuse yourself from all of them. up until you have that kid, your greatest obligation is to yourself.
    that is some solid, selfish advice. fuck ‘em all and get me a table for one!
my birthday weekend was nothing short of fucking awesome this year. i spent the days leading up to the annual party at the salon getting a haircut, facial and pedi. i did some shopping, met good friends for brunch and then enjoyed a rocking good time at a local bar where i didn’t have to clean up the mess the next day. and on the sunday of my actual birthday, i slept away my hangover, enjoyed a 90-minute afternoon massage and was taken to dinner by my parents. it was picture perfect in every way. photos to come.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

The Home-Improvement Chronicles: The Prequel to the Big Day

i’ve come to see that planning a home remodel is akin to unraveling an enigma wrapped in a riddle that’s stuffed in a mystery. every question just begets more questions, with every answer impacting every other answer. i would just rather this whole thing be wrapped in bacon and stuffed in a block of cheese. not only does this scenario sound far more delicious, its heart-clogging properties might help put me out of my misery sooner.

as it stands now, operation: major home remodel is set to begin in early july, which is roughly one month from when it was supposed to start. this is the first of what is sure to be many delays. it’s a damn shame, too, as i was so ready to have this thing begin already, if only so it would end sooner. i have no doubt that construction is going to bring my life to a standstill, dragging my summer down with it, and although i’m excited as hell, i’m also anxious as fuck.

still, i know it’s the right thing to do — in fact, it’s long overdue if you’ve seen my house — and i know that it will be stressful and expensive no matter when it occurs. with this in mind, i’m happy to get it done and out of the way so i can finally start enjoying all of my house for a change.

it’s no exaggeration to say that my heart sinks a little each time i pull into my driveway and see the weathered siding, the two different colors of barf the house is painted, the second bedroom that is covered by stucco instead of wood. then i step inside and forget everything momentarily as i survey the already remodeled interior, with its bamboo floors, freshly painted walls and brand new kitchen.

then i step onto the deck and notice the cracked wood and feel the soft boards under my feet, which again remind me that my dream house is far from dreamy. it was a foreclosure when i bought it three years ago, and it still looks like one today. and while this fact is the one thing that made my house affordable to me, it is also the same thing that makes it the ugliest house on my block.

but soon enough, my house’s outsides will match its insides. soon enough, i’ll be living in my barbie dream house on a hill — a doll’s house of my own creation that i’ve always imagined myself living in. at least this is what i keep reminding myself of every time anxiety over the cost, time and effort this remodel will involve sweeps in to rattle me. hopefully, this simple thought will be enough to drive me through construction, from its start in july to its finish in october (maybe november).

to prepare for the big day, i’ve spent the past two months meeting regularly with my trusty contractor, whose involvement in this project is the one thing that keeps me sleeping comfortably at night. we’ve been sitting down to review plans, finalize details, decide on materials and determine the order of operations. he’s even been kind enough to deal with the city and pull all the permits needed for this job. so far, everything looks good on paper.

speaking of paper, the financing for operation: major home remodel has been secured, thanks to my local credit union, which has blessed me with the low-interest loans i need to make my dreams come true. i imagine you’re wondering how much all this will set me back, to which i say: don’t be so damn nosy.

having made mistakes with this sort of thing before, i refuse to discuss money on principle. (unless, of course, you are a bank or potential employer who wants to write me a check, in which case, let’s talk!) just know that this thing ain’t cheap, and i do plan to get a roommate once the remodel finishes, so i may pay off my debts faster. i also have a few other get rich quick ideas in the works to help make me some cash in a flash (all legal, i assure you). also, i am not accepting unsolicited advice at this time, and probably not at any later time either. thank you for complying.

what i am accepting are your well wishes, good vibrations, happy thoughts and positive energy. please send some my way and stay tuned, because the party is just about to start.