Saturday, February 26, 2011

One-Hit Wonders: February 2011 terms inexplicably pulling up this blog...
  • "he cheated on me" "now he has cancer"
  • linda fiorentino tits
  • stump removal with meales and peanutbutter
  • heavy petting short erotic stories
  • broken hearts on valentines day
  • form to control millas
  • drive in breast tube galore
  • "office ass"
  • where milla time gangstas started?
  • if hes not horny give him a sandwich

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Of Zen and Men

yeah, baby. cue the sexy music. it’s the update on my romantic life, an update you have surely been breathlessly awaiting, you voyeuristic pervert. but before you bring out the box of tissues to shed a tear or do whatever else you might need tissues for, pause the sexy music and put your binoculars away because i’m not revealing much.

truthfully, there isn’t much to reveal. i am still single — and happily so. the worst of my breakup is decidedly behind me and i’m finally beginning to feel like my old self again, the self i’ve always known myself to be. that self enjoys answering to no one and relishing in the freedom that has always suited me so well.

and now that i’m living alone again, among my two furries, in my own house, where i get to hog the bed and take comfort in the fact that every item is exactly where i want it to be, the thought of entering another serious relationship soon is as inviting as a cold sore.

that’s not to say there aren’t many things i miss about being partnered, and i don’t doubt that i’ll find myself in another serious relationship eventually, but until then, my plan is to focus squarely on myself and do the things i always tell my single girlfriends to do when they find themselves delightfully unattached.

so far, i’ve been doing just that: spending plenty of time with myself, my friends and my dogs as i exercise, shop, socialize, read, write, loiter, lounge, indulge in spa days and prepare leisurely meals for one at home. at times like this i can understand why people stay single forever. i’ve found myself in this rare place only a handful of times before, where my heart is neither swelling nor aching.

but i know my heart all too well. i know it’s only a matter of time before it will want to wander and climb and soar and sink until it finds a pocket to burrow into. and i’ll allow that — eventually — but for now it will remain grounded, relegated to stay locked up home while i go out and... date.

yes, i’ve begun dating again, whatever that means. it doesn’t mean going out on a lot of bad dates with a lot of strangers as i refuse to dabble in the online personals this time. in fact, i’ve gone on very few dates so far, choosing instead to spend my time with one costa rican cutie. but that’s not a story for today.

today’s story involves the general weirdness that comes with dating at 34, which, i will admit, is far easier than dating at 24, when i would agonize over an unreturned phone call. as a single 34-year-old, however, there is far less agony and far more perspective. i keep my expectations tempered and my outlook realistic, which protects me from becoming too disappointed when things don’t turn out perfectly.

i’m sure that sounds cynical, but it’s actually been very liberating. it’s allowed me to appreciate good times as just that — good times to be cherished. bad times are also just that — brief and fleeting moments that are in no way indicative of times to come. thankfully, i’ve had more good than bad times in recent months, and i’m sure this has something to do with my rosy outlook that doesn’t take anything too seriously.

the last time i felt this footloose and fancy-free (in 2004!), i was dating multiple men without a second thought or feeling. (old-schoolers might remember the “harem.”) and while i don’t have the time, energy or interest in reverting back to those old ways, i have found that a few long dormant habits have reawakened themselves in recent months, particularly my guy-like superficiality that draws me to looks over substance, that keeps me unwilling to commit and uncomfortable with heavy emotions. i’ve also begun to hear things i’ve heard too many times before — that i’m bitchy and hard to get close to, that i act as though i need no one. “self-possessed” is a common refrain as is “control issues.”

i wish i had a defense for this beyond “i don’t know how to be any other way,” but i don’t. all i can say is that i’m working on it (sort of). more to the point, i’m keeping the faith that things will work themselves out as they are supposed to, that i’ll eventually encounter someone who will ruin my life by making himself indispensable to it, offering a space for my heart to burrow, where it will stay and do the things it was built to do.

but until then i’ll continue to enjoy the lightness of being, which isn’t so unbearable.