One-Hit Wonders: March 2010

... search terms inexplicably pulling up this blog ...

• my tits my telephone number


• johnny depp antelope valley mall


• brent


• "into a hunchback"


• tree stump smells bad


• boys bedroom done in mossy oak paneling part way up the wall


• tube galore nipple hangs out of shirt


• concrete made cute product


• nipples like sausage balls


• fuck me fukola


• puns about stumps


• found my way across the grass only to fall down. sand in my hair this wall is just so damn big, how can climb when i got no hands im going to make it please help me make it fuck

Happy Anniversary to Me

i celebrated TWO big anniversaries this month, one of which produces money while the other just sucks it out of me. if you guessed the anniversaries of 1) being employed at my current job and 2) buying my house, award yourself 10 points.

i’m still in disbelief that i really have spent five whole years working at my job — a job i was sure i’d hold for just two or three years when i started. i’m glad i stayed, however. by all measures, it is a good job at a good company. i don’t love my work but i don’t hate it either. i like my coworkers alright, but not enough to hang out with them outside of work (with the exception of a select few). i love my boss very much.

at the end of the day, it’s a job. i don’t think about it much on weekends and i never feel compelled to write about it here. it’s neither my dream job nor my nightmare. i’m fairly neutral on the whole thing, which is odd considering that i have strong opinions on pretty much everything else in the world. but i think i’ve managed to compartmentalize my day job as just my day job because i have enough things happening on the side to avoid turning the 40 hours i spend in the office every week into the centerpiece of my life.

still, 40 hours is a lot of time and i probably should be spending it “furthering my goals,” whatever that means. the more i think about it, the more simpler my goals become: to live a comfortable life while surrounded by the people i love and enjoying the things that interest me. thankfully, my current job allows me to do just that (more or less). and though i don’t intend to retire from my company in 30 years, i’m content to float in it for the foreseeable future.

then there is the house anniversary. two years have passed since i closed escrow and began my adventures as a homeowner. if i’ve learned anything at all in that time is that it helps to love your house like a spouse, because when it starts acting up and driving you crazy, the love alone stops you from dousing it in kerosene and setting it on fire for the insurance money.

beyond that, i’ve learned that i actually like being a homeowner. it suits me well. i don’t mind having to pour my paychecks into my house, and i don’t mind being the one responsible when things start breaking down because i know i won’t shortchange my home like a landlord might. i want my house to host my friends and create holiday memories for my family. i find zen in pulling out the weeds in my yard. i love waking up in it every morning and coming home to it every evening. it’s truly my sanctuary.

so happy anniversary, house and job. you are both the wind beneath my wings, the apples of my eye, the springs in my step and, sometimes, the banes of my existence. but mostly, you are lovely backdrops for my days.

Dish-Interested: The Hard Life of a Celebrity Crybaby

Photo courtesy Matt Graves

With the death of Corey Haim the other week, the Two Coreys became just one. This is tragic not only because it puts the final nail in the coffin of Corey Feldman’s languishing career, but also because it puts another celebrity in a coffin. We’ve seen plenty die over the years — child actors as well as the adults — due to drug abuse, their own recklessness and sometimes suicide (RIP Boner).

If I didn’t know any better, I’d think that being a celebrity is a hard life. All those premieres and awards ceremonies, the endless fawning, the traveling around the world, the fame and fortune, the cars and houses, the nutritionists and personal trainers, the designer clothes and expensive jewelry. It sounds painfully stressful. It’s no wonder so many celebs turn to...

Stuff and Things

• meaty march: after four weeks of eating nothing but fresh veggies and fish — and feeling fantastic physically — i undid any benefit it gave my body in the first three days of march by consuming an obscene meat cornucopia that included bacon burgers and tacos filled with carne asada, carnitas, al pastor and birria. i felt guilty about exactly NONE of it, even when the stomach pains rendered me blob-like on the sofa. but instead of gripping my stomach and moaning, “what have i done?” i was overwhelmed with a powerful peace of mind that, no, i can never be a vegetarian, and that’s ok.



• the house: tax time is always my favorite time to be a homeowner and this year was no exception. i have plenty of domestic things to spend my refund on, among them a major remodel to the house’s exterior that i’m still ironing out with my contractor. it will be a big job, lasting several weeks and costing a fortune. i’m scared shitless, but excited beyond measure as well. and after it’s done, i’ll be another step closer to living in my dream house, which, granted, is probably a house i will buy 10 or 20 years from now, but with each passing month, i get closer.



• Landmark Forum: has anyone (besides Juan) done this shit? the Landmark Forum is this weekend-long self-improvement seminar that will either leave me brainwashed with the belief that i can talk to aliens, transformed into the best possible version of myself or totally unmoved and still ridiculously cynical. i signed up for it upon the urging of my friend Juan and have wasted many hours reading about it online, where reports vacillate between describing it as a cult and as the best thing that can happen to anyone. clearly, i am intrigued and must investigate for myself if for no other reason than to bring my cherished readers a good blog post. expect it sometime in april.



• more importantly: as everyone knows, tax refund means spa weekend (in addition to home repairs). for two nights and three days, my girlfriends and i will get rubbed and scrubbed at a day spa in beautiful Ojai, California. okay, Ojai is not that beautiful, but i better be after my facial, hour-long massage and seaweed body wrap. there will also be fine dining (and likely overeating) and maybe a yoga class if i’m feeling really ambitious. but mostly, there will be rest and relaxation and enjoying the company of two of my best friends during a weekend of shameless bourgeoisie pampering. i can’t wait!