Things to Do When You're Sick Again

or maybe that should be “still sick,” or perhaps “sick for four fucking weeks.” yep, four fucking weeks of the flu, a sinus infection and then a sinus re-infection. in that time, i went to the doctor twice, missed five days of work, had violent coughing fits that just fell short of vomitting, filled wastebaskets with tissues covered in brown mucus, left ricola wrappers all throughout my house, and spent several days alternating between doses of Dayquil and Nyquil. i engaged in a few other thrilling activities, outlined below, and available for replication as long as they don’t infringe on any copyrights.

• lie in bed certain that you’re going to die alone, because who really wants to take care of the snotty, stuffy, wheezy, unshowered ass you’ve become, you pathetic little sick girl? in between naps, browse a few internet dating sites before closing your browser in digest, suddenly OK with the notion of dying alone.

• convince yourself that you’re healthy enough to attend a friend’s birthday party in Long Beach. go to the party with a box of tissues in your purse and, for god’s sake, don’t cough on people when you talk to them. foolishly finish a second glass of wine that disagrees with the many decongestants you’ve taken that day and makes you feel naseuous and tired. beg the friends you came with to take you back to your car across town immediately, even though they are having a good time. pass out on your friend’s guest bed within seconds of arriving at her house. wake up at 1:30am with mascara smeared down your face to drive yourself home in silence and shame.

• go to work like normal, because you’ve burned through too many sick days and it’s only february. ask your coworkers every day if you’re coughing less today than you were yesterday. wonder if you’re sensing irritation or impending illness in their eyes when they respond to you through clenched teeth with another suggestion that you should go home.

• decide that you will attack the second sinus infection with homeopathic remedies instead of another round of antibiotics for fear of developing a resistance to antibiotics (whoops, too late). spend $80 at Whole Foods on Sinusalia, garlic drops for the ears, and a variety of juices, soups and teas to keep you hydrated. hide the garlic drops after your dogs try to burrow into your ear every time you use them. eat soup while sitting on your couch in your pajamas and catching up on 30 Rock.

• spend your downtime proofreading 400 pages for a freelance client. reread pages numerous times as your head is cloudy and clogged, which has turned your normally eagle eyes into the eyes of a dyslexic toddler. ask the client for an extension.

• go to acupuncture in an effort to remain au naturel in your pursuit of health. hold your breath while needles are inserted into your head and face. feel amazing right after the session ends only to feel like shit later when the lymph nodes in your neck swell to bodybuilder proportions, making it hard to swallow or breathe. endure a hellish sleep that’s punctuated with coughing fits that leave you gasping for air. cry because you’re sick of being sick already and when will it end and why does the universe hate me so much? i’m sorry for whatever i did to deserve this and i promise i won’t ever do it again, whatever it was.

• wonder if this sickness is the result of you deciding to give up meat at the start of 2012 and if these are the elusive toxins entering your bloodstream, which is what all the au naturel folks say happens when you decide to go au naturel. consider having a steak to see if it makes you feel better. have that steak and feel gross afterwards, having added indigestion to your sinus congestion. decide to maintain the meatlessness going forward.

• wake up the morning after your second acupuncture appointment feeling better. get worried that this is only a reprieve before the next relapse. blow your nose and feel almost relieved when you see brown snot in the tissue. confuse yourself with your thoughts.

today, i’m feeling mostly better, mostly healed, though my throat is still sore and my cough is still annoying. i have one more acupuncture appointment next week that will hopefully kick this thing out for good and then i have to get on with the business of packing my lost february into march.