Behind the Headlines

seems like i’m all too happy to write about my love life for the new york times, but when it comes to the milla times, i stay silent. not that there is so much to report. i am still very much single and very content to remain this way until someone extraordinary comes along and moves me toward a status change. currently, i’m not doing much to move myself or anyone else toward that change. i am not internet dating, nor am i actively going to bars, clubs, book stores or art shows to meet men. i’m fairly apathetic about the whole matter, which can be tricky when I have a choice between attending a party or sitting in the bath with a book.

still, there have been rumblings here and there, none of which i care to go into in any detail as 1) it’s none of your damn business, nosy; and 2) see note above about there being not much to discuss. yet through these rumblings i’ve learned quite a few things about myself and others that i am willing to discuss.

in terms of myself, i’ve come to understand that i am not going to be every man’s cup of tea, which is ok as the inverse could be overwhelming. this is not said in a self-deprecating way. it’s just that i’ve realized that only a small pool of men would be interested in me and what i have going on. it’s a realization i’ve come to after being told repeatedly by my male friends that i’m “too intimidating,” “too successful,” “kinda scary” and that i “act like i don’t need anyone.” i’m never sure how to respond to this. i’ve also been told that i need to “dumb it down,” which is probably good advice in a parallel universe but not anything i would ever consider doing in this one.

in this one, my plan is to be thoroughly myself with the hope that the right people will respond, be they friends or romantic partners. it’s taken a long time to get comfortable in my own skin, and now that i’m here i couldn’t imagine misrepresenting myself or remaking my life into something that’s aimed at attracting a husband. maybe i just don’t want it that bad. see note above about apathy. 

of course, i do want a healthy, happy partnership and believe i’ll have one again eventually, but the process of getting from here to there seems to involve a bizarro world that i don’t understand at times. for me, it’s always been pretty simple: i find someone i really like who really likes me; we decide to be together and we’re together — end of story. of course, there has always been a breakup in those stories, but the getting together part has never been complicated.

in this world of dating, however, nothing is easy. there is always a game to play, a battle to win, a oneupmanship to outdo, and the constant pretending that you just don't care. please note that i’m a 100% complicit in these games. i do plenty of pretending i don’t care. i don’t like to relinquish control of a situation and i’m great at hiding every shred of vulnerability. this game is a game of chicken and the strength of my resolve will usually crown me the winner — or loser as the case may be.

the more caught up i get in this vortex of modern dating, the more drama enters my life and the more jaded i begin to feel. this makes me nervous. being jaded is the enemy. i never want to reach the point where i’m making sweeping generalizations about men, because i am no man-hater. i have a nice daddy and know plenty of quality men so i know they are out there.

the secret is having patience and the courage to stick to my convictions. admittedly, i’ve lacked both of these things in recent years but am hell bent on getting them back. i’m also committed to restoring my no-bullshit policy when it comes to dating, as being grown means acting like a grownup. it means listening to people even when they are telling you things you don’t want to hear, which leads me to the other things i’ve learned.

i’ve learned that when a man tells you he’s messed up, he knows what he’s talking about. i’ve learned that i should never discard the obvious for the possible, that i should never force anything or chase anyone, that things either work out or they don’t, and both outcomes are perfectly acceptable.

it’s back to basics for me, where actions are more important than words, reality is more telling than fantasy, and trying too hard indicates a bad match. it will be hard for me to forfeit all the games in favor of transparency, as i’m a champ at playing the hide-your-heart game, but i’m going to try as the alternative hasn’t worked out too well. so i’m going to give this honesty thing a try as i’ve heard good things about it. i’ll let you know how it goes.