Sunday, January 06, 2013

The Winter Malaise

like clockwork, it happens every year. things truck along swimmingly through thanksgiving and then something wicked this way comes in december. it’s stupid and silly and i know better and  now fear it’s become more self-fulfilling prophecy than organic necessity, but off to funky town i’ll go each winter with my emotions.

the town looks a lot like the inside of my house, where i will move about shiftlessly, refusing invitations in favor of curling up with my dogs to watch movies or read, or sometimes to just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. i’m not particularly depressed, at least not this year; it’s more of a funk that makes me not want to do much of anything or see much of anyone.

but you had such a great year, i tell myself. remember that whole new york times thing? that thrilling trip to italy? your remodeled house and healthy family and kind friends? you are luckier than most, you pathetic crybaby. get your ass out of bed and go take in the fresh air on your new deck.

i know, i know, i know.

yet still, the ghosts of christmas past come to visit. i know these visitors well. i have baked them cookies and set up cots for them so they could linger as long as they like. grabbing a broom to sweep them out won’t work. they have a job to do and it’s easier to let them do it instead of resisting. better to open the vein and let it bleed than ignore it until it ruptures.

so it’s been flowing alongside the wine, sad music and picture books in my head. they look a lot like a big river of regret. there’s heartache and loneliness, too, fueled by holidays that do plenty to highlight the obvious. and what’s obvious is that it’s cold and i’m lonely. also obvious is that i need to repair this situation so 2013 doesn’t resemble 2012 in its solitude and celibacy. this may mean joining the wild world of online dating, as many of my friends have urged.

i’m dreading it as a central part of this winter malaise is laziness. though i’m not exactly content with the State of Things, i am content to lie around and sigh heavily about them — at least for now. though i have a feeling this will change soon as January has finally arrived, dragging with it all those annoying good intentions that seem to kick off each year. i feel them beginning to stir inside me as well.

there is plenty i want to do this year, none of which involve being a pathetic crybaby. this means these days of lying around and daydreaming about a past i can’t change and a future i can’t predict will soon come to pass, forcing me to attend to what’s already looking like a very demanding January. the freelance deadlines have begun to loom. i have a leaky roof that needs fixing. these holiday pounds need to go. there are boxes in the garage to sort through. life has been waiting.

i’m almost ready. i just need another week (or two) to leave the holiday lights around the deck, lie in bed while staring at the ceiling and hug the ghosts goodbye.


Anne said...

I'm going to leave a comment here instead of Facebook, because social media killed the blog and guess what? I'm bringing it back in '13! My dear, beautiful Milla- I hate to burst your bubble but even the marrieds and relationshiped have similar thoughts at the close of each year. The "what ifs" and "I should have done mores" all come to mind and we wallow in what could have been, only because the deadline of Dec 31st seems to make a difference. So rest assured (or be very shocked) that your melancholy isn't exclusive to being single and you have many more of these sad end-of-the-years to look forward to. I say this with love and in the best way possible. XOXO:)

Milla said...

this is why we are friends! thanks for the reality check, love (and for leaving this comment on the bloggy blog). unfortunate to know it never gets better. guess i need to soldier on and be done with it. almost there.