Bad to Worse

my best friend has cancer. i got the news late last week. it's lymphoma, non-hodgkins, i think. needless to say, this has been devastating. he's my closest friend, whom i've known for 15 years, three of which he spent as my boyfriend. we have so much between us, i couldn't even describe it. our bond runs unimaginably deep. he's a half-semester away from completing a master's degree at columbia university in new york. he works part time for UNICEF. he's an extraordinary person, one of the smartest i've ever met. and now he has cancer.

i don't know how to wrap my brain around all the new realities i've suddenly found myself facing. this is beyond difficult and i lately find myself unraveling. i'm trying to keep it together, stay strong, prepare myself for what lies ahead. but it's so fucking hard.

friends, stay the fuck away. if you see me, don't remind me or look at me with those sad eyes you gave me when i split with my boyfriend. if i want to talk to you about it, i will (though i probably won't want to). it was bad enough having to go through the phone pleasantries when everyone called offering their condolenses for the death of my relationship. i'm feeling less cordial this time around, and need even more time and space. if you must, send e-mail. don't expect a reply. sorry in advance, i'm just not feeling like myself lately. respect that.

if you want to help, find a cure for lymphoma.