Monday, April 26, 2004


nothing really to report, still stressed and grumpy. but in about two weeks all should be better. i'm not very motivated with the work i have to do, everything left will be done half-assed, i'm sure. grades are the least of my worries at this point. the thought of a fruitless job hunt is starting to preoccupy me, especially as many of my classmates already have secured employment. i think i'd like to take some time off, but how the hell will my rent get paid? ideally, i'd love to spend the summer in india or something, doing yoga on the mountaintop while feeling all zen and shit. but i don't foresee that happening. i'm at least hoping for a week in new york at the end of may or perhaps another visit to hawaii with my girlfriend kiana. in any case i need to get away, if only for a little while, if only entirely on my own. need to veg and collect myself for the life that lays ahead. i've been all philosophy lately, trying to answer the big questions. it's not working, nothing is concrete -- just some fragments of half-baked ideas. i'm trying to accept the uncertainty of the situation. i'm close to being all zen and shit about it.

i've also been battling some low days lately. not sure why, but i can't seem to get out of my heartache funk. it haunts me, following me around like a cloud that rains down on just me while everyone else gets sunshine. i'm trying to wiggle free, but i can't seem to shake it off. it's an amalgamation of stressors, the culmination of the past few years. i'm full of cognitive dissonance and can't seem to reconcile my heart, body and mind. they're all in different places doing different things -- all unrelated. i need some yoga. yoga means 'union' in sanskrit.

i just want to get there already, pass through the murky existence of the current. i'm trying to imagine some goals i can work toward. they're sharpening, but the process is torture. i've lost interest in most of the people around me and am trying to focus inward, am listening intently for answers, for that moment of clarity. there's pleasure, enjoyment in some things, but they don't fill the void vacated by the other things. it's like i can't come full circle.

fuck, i don't know. i guess i'm just in a strange zone right now. feeling edgy, irritable, yet brazen. i've never felt more driven. it's a driven that borders on the self-serving, perhaps even self-indulgent. i'm making no apologies. trying to both reconnect and detach. is this making sense? it may not be right now at 1 am after three vodka tonics and 10 cigarettes. i guess i'll just go to bed and keep repeating the two mantras that have become favorites lately -- 'this, too, shall pass' and 'the only thing you have is yourself, girl.'

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