Monday, June 20, 2005

In the Bedroom

it occured to me recently that people might think i'm a slut. i had heard some rumblings and misinformed comments from various friends. for example, at a party in venice a month or so ago, a friend joked that i would probably end the night by taking a stranger home. granted, the jokester was more a peripheral friend and not someone who knew me well, but it still irked me, because i'm not the type of girl who takes home strangers. there have been other moments as well when people have made remarks about my chastity and, of course, all roads lead to this blog, where my harem has often assumed the spotlight.

perhaps it's sounded sexier than it is, or maybe people assume there's more to it than i've disclosed (there is), but the conclusions one may jump to after reading my ramblings can be misinformed. i don't care so much about how strangers perceive me, but i do value the opinions of my friends, so i feel compelled to set the record straight about my sex life.

and the truth is it hasn't been about hanging from the chandeliers and wild orgies. i can actually be quite shy when i'm getting to know someone physically. the idea of getting naked with a stranger is frightful. i've never been one for one-night stands because it simply isn't gratifying. i can't imagine many women are satisfied by a one-nighter where a smelly guy gets in, gets off, gets up, gets dressed and gets out. no, thank you. men have a physiological guarantee that serves them well, but women's bodies need time to flower. good sex is borne of experience with one person's body. practice makes the difference. and before the practicing begins, i need to develop a connection through conversation and emotional intimacy. and after the practicing ends, i need cuddle time and pillow talk. it goes beyond the booty call.

there's been only two men whom i've found that with -- the only two men i've let into my bedroom since i got out of my big relationship a year and a half ago. but why the polyamory? why not stick to one and have a boyfriend? truthfully, i would love to just stick to one and have a boyfriend, but neither can fill that role for me. the whys of this are complicated and personal, and probably have more to do with me being incredibly picky than it does with any shortcoming on their parts. so in the meantime, the duplicity works, because, physically, what one won't do, the other will; what one can't do, the other can. at its best, i've been a very satisfied girl. if that makes me a slut, then so be it. but i'm a selective slut. (but if i were a man in these same circumstances, i would be such a stud.)

let's move to the present and get to a very important harem update: yogaman is out, and has been for close to a month. this has caused crazy deja vu, but things are working in reverse this time. when O left initially, he went to pursue a relationship with a new girl, leaving just yogaman in the picture. O's now back for round two. now yogaman left to pursue a relationship with a new girl, leaving just O in the picture. but i'm fairly sure that yogaman will circle back eventually, too, because, like O, he knows my secret -- my mojo has a gravitational pull.

but it's been tough, suddenly being without someone who's been around for a year. i miss him terribly. but if there's one thing i've learned about love and life, it's that the way i'm feeling now is not representative of the way i'll always feel. besides, it wouldn't be fair of me to try to make a mess of his new opportunity. our relationship and breakup were already so protracted that it made sense to make a clean break. given the deja vu, i do wonder whether this is one of those instances where the universe is trying to teach me the same lesson twice. i'm not sure what that lesson could be.

so now O is the last man standing. but our visits are infrequent, averaging two to three times a month. i don't think either of us are compelled to increase their frequency. my best bet would be to add someone new to the rotation, but i have no viable options at the present, nor do i have time to lay the groundwork for something like that. i thought of perhaps trying to find a girl to add to the mix, then i realized that i'm not a lesbian. and i'm not really bisexual either. the last time i was with a girl physically -- a girl O and i shared over a year ago -- i realized in the midst of it that i wasn't all that aroused. plus, chicks can cause nonstop drama.

so i guess i'll just float here until someone new arrives. it'd be great if it were someone who could be my boyfriend, but he'd have to be pretty damn spectacular to wear that crown. my standards aren't coming down anytime soon.

according to my tarot, however, he's already here. i had another weird class last week where i drew the same card at the beginning and end of the lesson. the card was The Emperor, a powerful man who is masterful, with his shit together. i couldn't pinpoint whom the card was referencing, so my teacher craig had me draw some additional cards to clarify. i drew three more cards, one for the past, present and future. the card in the past position was the Ace of Swords, a card of a new beginning cut from a place of truth. the present card was the King of Pentacles, a hardworking man with money, and the future card was the Nine of Cups, the card of wish fulfillment. "you already know this man," craig says. "something very real will happen with him very soon, and you'll get what you want out of it."

stay tuned.

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