Monday, May 11, 2009

The Sads

aside from that first week spent in new york, i had an intense case of The Sads all through april. i think the new york trip played into this considerably in the way that vacations tend to produce depressions fixated on the idea that life should always be a vacation.

i became fixated on the idea that my life should be, as well as the lives of my friends whom i would visit in various cities around the country at a moment’s notice. together, we would go out to fancy meals, drink pricey bottles of wine, visit museums, see movies and plays, and enjoy each other’s company without ever having to worry about the scary Excel spreadsheet waiting for us at the office.

but the scary spreadsheet beckoned and i soon found myself in the office again, immersed in daily shit storms that brought long hours and endless office drama. add to that the looming threat of layoffs “any day now” and the nonstop rumors on how big they would be. (“bloodbath” was the term bandied around the most.)

then add to that a rocky home life born of the leaky fridge drama and the fact that Mo and i had been bickering about everything and nothing for weeks. plus, my birth control pill was making me a complete lunatic, no doubt intensifying my Sads into a case of The I Can’t Do Anything Rights.

i even saw people grabbing their children and running away from me on the street when they saw me and my unhappy aura walking toward them. it got so bad that my own dogs wouldn’t play with me despite the steak i attached to my neck. and there was that piece of spinach always stuck to my tooth and the pile of poo permanently attached to my shoe.

i seriously felt like the Sad Girl in those commercials for antidepressants, the one who walks around with a little cloud raining just over her while smiling children frolic in a meadow nearby. i even thought of taking some antidepressants despite my disbelief in them. ultimately i opted not to.

(of course, i speak only for myself in poo-pooing antidepressants. if you take them and they work for you, more power to them and to you. i just don’t want to take any mood medications because i don’t believe i have a chemical imbalance that needs correcting. you might, though. but trust me, i’m not crazy. so what if i speak to aliens you can’t see? it only means you’re not as perceptive. where’s that voice coming from anyway? it’s commanding me to eat cheesecake. weird.)

these Sads were getting out of control and too often became The Mads that turned even the usually cute things the puppies do (Pinko talking) into a source of tremendous frustration. i didn’t feel like writing, and when i tried, all that came out was, “this blog entry sucks.” i began thinking i would never again have a day when i woke up feeling optimistic. instead it was all irritability, all the time. even cheesecake didn’t help.

and then it happened. May happened and the tide turned. two huge work projects finally launched, making the workday feel more like a workday and less like finals week in college. suddenly i could breathe a little easier. then the kitchen flooring finally arrived, as did a new refrigerator (photos forthcoming). then i got news that my mom found a job after months of unemployment (pops is still out of work). then Mo and i had a series of great days when we kissed and made up, which lead to more kissing and even some heavy petting.

gradually i woke up each day feeling better, calmer and more optimistic, charmed again by Pinko’s incessant chatter. it’s amazing what a little heavy petting can do. also amazing is what a little yoga can do, and also a pill switcheroo courtesy of my doctor. plus, i picked up some mighty nice freelance work that made me reconsider applying for that part-time job as the Towel Girl at the Y. the universe really does provide!

i’d like to think it provided me with a shitty April so i could appreciate a spectacular May, but with the month not even half over and layoffs still looming, i can’t be sure. what i am sure of is that the last 11 days have not sucked hard enough to make me respond to the Starbucks barista who always says “good morning” to me with, “yeah, what’s so good about it? huh, bitch? tell me because i’d really like to know.”

i only hope this trend continues, though i doubt it will because, clearly, the Entire Universe Is Against Me. now if you’ll excuse me, a strange voice is ordering me to eat cheesecake. i must obey.

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