Shout Outs

it’s been a weird few weeks when everyone i know who was going to have a baby had their baby. sometimes the baby was early, other times late, but mostly they arrived on time. there must have been a lot of fucking going on last november. and now the fruits of all that fucking have emerged as ridiculously cute babies that i just want to put in my mouth and devour with one swallow. i have this compulsion with dogs as well, where i just want to chew on their rubbery noses. with babies, i’m more prone to chewing on their hands and feet, which remind me of soft shell crab.

to all my friends who’ve had babies, please don’t call the authorities on me. i promise i will not eat your child when i’m babysitting. but i will smell it and kiss it and cuddle it and tickle it and sit it on my lap for an hour in a vain attempt to make its first word “milla.” i will say, “come on, little one, you can say it even though you’re just hours old, say meeeee-lah.” and they will say it and i will be overjoyed, though you might cry since the first word wasn’t “mama,” but you’ll get over it. my sister did.

so yes, send me your babies to eat. and if you have a puppy, also send it my way so i may spend hours smelling its warm belly and getting drunk off its puppy breath. just make sure you send them to me after their bowels have been emptied and their bodies have been bathed, because i don’t change diapers or scoop up foreign dog poop. no thanks. oh, and no toddlers please. i don’t do tantrums or terrible twos and threes.

you can handle that because you are brave, fearless and infinitely patient souls who are embarking on the hardest job in the world. for this, The Milla Times salutes you! both to the new moms and dads and the old ones, good job on having the kid you just had. one day, i hope to join your ranks, but for now my dogs will have to bear the brunt of my impatience and neglect.

here’s a rundown of the new child army:

• Allison Rona and Nick Stevens spawned Rhys Rona Stevens. apparently Rhys is pronounced Reece, which i didn’t know until i looked it up. Rhys is the first kid for Nick and Ali and my guess is that i’m gonna get to know him pretty well, despite the fact that his parents live in san francisco. maybe this will be prompt them to move back to LA, closer to family.


• Jeremy and Heather Nisen brought out second son Gram to play with his big brother Judah. Jeremy is a longstanding friend, former coworker and frequent commenter who lives in Santa Barbara with his beautiful, dark-haired family. Heather is a super mom and all around saint.


• Mo’s brother Brandon (Bo?) and his lovely, yet surely tired wife Christy, welcomed their third child, a girl, to join her older siblings in their quest of depriving their parents of sleep.


• friends i know mostly through facebook nowadays: Randy and Melody Johnson: Grace Hope joins big bro Randall; Nathalie and Jason JosephLynch: Anais joins bro Ettiene.


• even fellow blogger Heather "Dooce" Armstrong birthed her second daughter in the past few weeks, Marlo, who joins older sister Leta. for the uninitiated, Heather is only the most famous personal blogger on the internet. she’s also a former neighbor of mine whose dog Chuck had a torrid love affair with Juice when they were puppies.

honorable shout out to Miguel and Tara Collins whose baby Micaela is already a few months old but she’s remarkably cute so she deserves mention. there are a few more babies baking in the oven who are due to pop out in the coming months: Doug and Christina Segovia’s spawn among them. good luck to all the parents! and welcome to this cruel world, babies!

i also want to send a special shout out to my future baby daddy, Mo, who has quit smoking recently. next to parenting, quitting smoking is up there with the Most Difficult Things Ever, so congratulations to Mo for the progress he’s made. i also need to thank him for doing the bulk of the cooking and household chores in the past few weeks while i’ve spent weeknights and weekends getting through freelance work.

oh yeah, i need to thank the kind universe for that, who’s apparently still a reader of Milla Times. thanks, universe, for sending me money by way of an overwhelming amount of freelance work, and thanks for those few good nights of sleep you also sent my way. thanks, everyone else too. thanksgiving must have come early this year, because i’m feeling appreciative and giddy with this whole miracle of life thing. babies for everyone! i’ll take mine with a side of ranch.