Slow News Month

not a lot happening around these parts lately. august has been relatively relaxing, mostly spent with good friends and family, squeezing every last drop out of the summer with nightly cookouts and cocktails. work has been manageable, sleep has been fulfilling and highs have been in the 70s. i’ve been loving on the lax, perhaps a little too much as evidenced by my lack of updates.

the biggest non-event for me lately has probably been this inexplicable, unwelcome uptick in back pain. i wish i could attribute it to something sexy, like trying out a new position with Mo, but the truth is we haven’t swung from the chandeliers since that one time that resulted in a trip to the ER. plus, we’ve never had chandeliers to swing from. they are so tacky. i prefer disco balls.

truth is i don’t know what the truth is, but my back has been aching like an old person who has an achy back. luckily, my doctor rescued me from having to spend days being unproductive in bed while attached to a heating pad by prescribing some super-powered vicodin, which did much to take the edge off and lighten my mood.

within 10 minutes of taking one of those magic little pills, i became one with the rainbows of life, suddenly teleported into a meadow where unicorns drank from a stream made of chocolate. i think willy wonka might have been there, too. he was talking about giving me his chocolate factory!

he said, “you know what happened to the little girl who got everything she wanted, milla?” i replied, “she was on vicodin?” i think he said “yes” or maybe something about “living happily ever after,” but the phone rang and disturbed my reverie, or maybe i just dreamt it did.

wait, where was i going with this again? i think i may still be feeling some residual side effects of that magic little pill, which include nonsensical euphoria. they also include liver damage and frozen bowels. fun ride, this vicodin train. thankfully, my back has been feeling much better this week, which has allowed me to stop worrying that i may need another back surgery, at least for the short term.

fear of needing another back surgery is a constant in my life. i could wake up with a toothache and, by noon, spin it into a diagnosis of Damaged Vertebrae Requiring Surgery. i’m a jewish hypochondriac like that. because of all this, i’m thinking that it’s time to find a chiropractor to visit regularly for a little back cracking. it’s either that or limiting the chandelier swinging.

in other news, i’m going on vacation soon. this is exciting for many obvious reasons, the greatest of which is NOT HAVING TO WORK while on vacation. my only hope is that i don’t return from break suicidal and forlorn like i usually do.

the plan is for Mo and i to leave around Labor Day and take a leisurely drive up the California coast and into Oregon, stopping in various cities along the way. our ultimate destination is Portland, a city i have not visited in over 10 years, to attend my baby cousin’s wedding (he’s 25).

i’m sure there will be much eating on this vacation, in addition to sleeping, sightseeing, socializing, picture-taking and even some chandelier-swinging. the only problem with this vacation is that it has not already begun. i’m all ants in the pants about it, checking the days off the calendar like a prisoner awaiting a parole hearing. only a few more weeks until i’m free to run through the meadow with the unicorns and drink from the chocolate stream.