Somebody Was Sprayed in the Face by a Skunk

i’ll give you one guess who that somebody could be. i suppose it was only a matter of time. the skunk and Pinko had been flirting for months, maybe even a year, with a few near encounters averted only by my seeing the skunk first and screaming at Pinko to GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW, which she would do at lightning speed, confused by why the hell i was yelling. then i would shoo the Pinks back into the house while the skunk and i glared at each other as he casually walked away. sometimes he even gave me the finger. other times, Pinko would see him from the deck and bark like a retard while i yelled at her to SHUT UP ALREADY from inside the house.

this time it was 5am on a tuesday morning. Mo got up at that ungodly hour for reasons still unknown, leaving me to sleep until my alarm went off. he opened the front door to let the dogs out into the yard and BOOM!, my furry shithead made a beeline for the skunk, who sprayed her square in the face before scurrying away unharmed. her face scrunched and sneezing uncontrollably, Pinko ran back into the house, bringing the smell of satan with her like a little souvenir from hell.

i was lying in bed at the time, listening to the ruckus unfold outside and wondering whether i really needed to get up or if i could just feign ignorance, fall back asleep and deal with it later. once the smell hit my nose, i knew sleep was out of the question. by the time i got up, my sleepy eyes burning, Mo was already running the bathwater. i looked at the Pinks, who sat in the corner of the bathroom with her ears down, giving that i’m-so-sorry-for-what-i-did-let’s-just-focus-on-how-cute-i-am-instead face. she looked radioactive. i approached her face with my own and almost fell backwards when i got a whiff. she smelled like burning rubber.

two baths followed, consisting of five shampoo sessions. internet research also followed and revealed that a tomato juice bath does not actually kill skunk smell, but a product called Tecnu does. so we got some Tecnu and lathered her up. then we burned some sage, some scented candles, laundered everything, opened doors and windows, turned on fans — everything short of an exorcism to expunge the smell from the house.

a week later, the house still had a faint skunk smell and Pinko’s face still has a strong skunk smell. at least she’s been on her best behavior.