Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The Elephant in the Room

i’ve been struggling with this post and too many times considered deleting it. i thought i didn’t really need it, that the people closest to me already know this stuff, and that in the interest of moving on i should just move on and never mention that whole breakup thing again.

i worried about writing something i’ll regret, recognizing that the way i feel today is not indicative of the way i’ll always feel. but i suppose the same thing could be said of everything else i’ve written here over the past seven years, so perhaps it’s moot. this is how the conversation with myself has been going — point, counterpoint.

but, ultimately, this is the place where i chronicle the events in my life. it’s as much for me as it is for any audience that cares to read it, and i would be remiss if i didn’t address the breakup of my relationship, which lasted five years and played a major role in my life.

the truth is things were rocky for a while and then got ugly at the end. this is due in large part to the fact that we kept living together after breaking up, a circumstance that made us forget all the reasons we got together in the first place, reasons i’m only starting to remember again with the help of time and distance. it’s a shame, because if this post were written four months ago, when we initially decided to split, i’m sure it would read very differently than it does today.

today, it reads more like relief than grief, more best of times than worst of times. nowadays, i’m happier than i’ve been in months. i’m sleeping better, enjoying the outdoors with my pups more and feeling optimistic about my future again. i’m not saying that to be an asshole; it’s honestly the way i feel. that’s not to say i won’t cherish the memories we shared and all the rest of that jazz, but they all seem so remote to me now, relegated to a past lifetime i no longer want to revisit.

if you’ve been reading this for any length of time, you know that Mo and i have played makeup-breakup a few times over the past five years and you may assume that this is just another one of those breaks. (lord knows enough of my friends have said this to me.) if there is any bright side to the ugly ending, it’s that there is no ambiguity this time. it is over. we are currently not speaking to one another, and as far as i know he has left town. so there is no longing for the past. there is some heartache, yes, but it’s more fleeting than paralyzing. on the whole, i feel pretty good.

though i admit it’s odd to find myself here: newly 34, one year from advanced maternal age, with no partner to walk into my future with. i’d like to think that it will all work out for me in the end — that i’ll find my prince and get my happy ending — but i don’t want to be naive.

i also don’t want to be a cliche, so you won’t find me on jdate among the countless other thirtysomething jewish girls, their clocks ticking, looking to land a lawyer husband. marriage is not my life’s goal. if it happens at all, it will be only once and to the right person.

motherhood, however, is a goal. thankfully, i have several years left before i reach menopause so it’s still on the table. maybe i’ll hit my scary age, visit the sperm bank and go it alone. maybe i’ll adopt with a partner later in life. it could happen in a number of ways, all of them equally valid. of course, my preference is that it happens the old-fashioned way, but i’m no longer beholden to that as the only approach.

which leads me to... dating. re-entering that world both terrifies and excites me. i dread it, but well remember the sweet possibilities it can bring. if nothing else, it should make this blog more interesting to read. though maybe not right away as i don’t intend to become anyone’s girlfriend anytime soon, but i don’t intend to sit in a dark room and cry either.

right now, my only intention is to have a fun summer. i sense myself approaching the requisite post-breakup phase of carefree days and endless socializing. and i intend to enjoy it because i know i’ll become someone’s girlfriend eventually. my heart will reconstitute itself in time and want to be given away again. there will be future blog posts filled with declarations of love and cheek-to-cheek photos.

but until then, the good-time gal is back. i am single and ready to mingle.


Anna said...


all the single ladies, all the single ladies!

dang, couldn't help it :)


Jeremy said...

Milla,so anti-cliche.

Isn't that a little bit cliche?

(I'm just trying to make you try j-date because I think it would make for a HILARiOUS article. I am sure it's cheaper than landmark!)

Milla said...

if you need some horror stories about internet dating, germ, just dig through the archives.

Anonymous said...

Good luck finding anybody on J-Date who loves bacon as much as you do.
(I'm just sayin'!)

prplxdbrn said...

The eloquence of the broken heart.

Okay, not quite broken. But very eloquent.

You're quite the woman, MG. JDate or not, you will one day make someone a happy man.

- prplxdbrn

Anonymous said...

Your internet persona is clear: you seem stubborn to me and vindictive and like someone who holds grudges. You are afraid to admit when you are wrong, you act like you know everything and like you have all the answers. So maybe he wanted a woman with whom he could just "be."

Hopefully he will find her, seemed like a nice enough guy. Hopefully you will change, but at 34, the clock is ticking.

Shannon said...

Dear Anonymous,
Like you, I too, have been envious of Milla at times. As the independent, open-minded, intelligent, successful and seemingly fearless young woman that she is, Milla has a lot of incredibly strong qualities that make her a target of both envy and the anger of insecurity that dwells within us. Unlike Milla, who will take your criticisms amiably, I am receiving your criticisms at face value. Your impotence to create and contribute positivity and growth in your own endeavors/life translates directly into your need to try to diminish that ability in others. Talk about transparency - your observations of "Milla" more correctly define their author. I particularly loved how you tried to reduce all that Milla embodies down to an age and a ticking clock. Pray tell, what does that say about you? Moving on, you were right about him. "He" is a nice guy, and with Milla, he had the best woman he will ever have and I believe even "he" would agree to that. So, with all of that said, why don't you take your precious ticking clock and linger in your petty grudges a little longer. Your contributions are amusing.

Milla said...

i love you shannon!!!!!!

Shannon said...

I love and admire you too Milla. I am lucky to have you in my life. You are an inspiration to me in more ways than I can count. Plus, you get great hate mail. What mote can I ask for in a dear friend?