The Home-Improvement Chronicles: The Prequel to the Big Day

i’ve come to see that planning a home remodel is akin to unraveling an enigma wrapped in a riddle that’s stuffed in a mystery. every question just begets more questions, with every answer impacting every other answer. i would just rather this whole thing be wrapped in bacon and stuffed in a block of cheese. not only does this scenario sound far more delicious, its heart-clogging properties might help put me out of my misery sooner.

as it stands now, operation: major home remodel is set to begin in early july, which is roughly one month from when it was supposed to start. this is the first of what is sure to be many delays. it’s a damn shame, too, as i was so ready to have this thing begin already, if only so it would end sooner. i have no doubt that construction is going to bring my life to a standstill, dragging my summer down with it, and although i’m excited as hell, i’m also anxious as fuck.

still, i know it’s the right thing to do — in fact, it’s long overdue if you’ve seen my house — and i know that it will be stressful and expensive no matter when it occurs. with this in mind, i’m happy to get it done and out of the way so i can finally start enjoying all of my house for a change.

it’s no exaggeration to say that my heart sinks a little each time i pull into my driveway and see the weathered siding, the two different colors of barf the house is painted, the second bedroom that is covered by stucco instead of wood. then i step inside and forget everything momentarily as i survey the already remodeled interior, with its bamboo floors, freshly painted walls and brand new kitchen.

then i step onto the deck and notice the cracked wood and feel the soft boards under my feet, which again remind me that my dream house is far from dreamy. it was a foreclosure when i bought it three years ago, and it still looks like one today. and while this fact is the one thing that made my house affordable to me, it is also the same thing that makes it the ugliest house on my block.

but soon enough, my house’s outsides will match its insides. soon enough, i’ll be living in my barbie dream house on a hill — a doll’s house of my own creation that i’ve always imagined myself living in. at least this is what i keep reminding myself of every time anxiety over the cost, time and effort this remodel will involve sweeps in to rattle me. hopefully, this simple thought will be enough to drive me through construction, from its start in july to its finish in october (maybe november).

to prepare for the big day, i’ve spent the past two months meeting regularly with my trusty contractor, whose involvement in this project is the one thing that keeps me sleeping comfortably at night. we’ve been sitting down to review plans, finalize details, decide on materials and determine the order of operations. he’s even been kind enough to deal with the city and pull all the permits needed for this job. so far, everything looks good on paper.

speaking of paper, the financing for operation: major home remodel has been secured, thanks to my local credit union, which has blessed me with the low-interest loans i need to make my dreams come true. i imagine you’re wondering how much all this will set me back, to which i say: don’t be so damn nosy.

having made mistakes with this sort of thing before, i refuse to discuss money on principle. (unless, of course, you are a bank or potential employer who wants to write me a check, in which case, let’s talk!) just know that this thing ain’t cheap, and i do plan to get a roommate once the remodel finishes, so i may pay off my debts faster. i also have a few other get rich quick ideas in the works to help make me some cash in a flash (all legal, i assure you). also, i am not accepting unsolicited advice at this time, and probably not at any later time either. thank you for complying.

what i am accepting are your well wishes, good vibrations, happy thoughts and positive energy. please send some my way and stay tuned, because the party is just about to start.