The Home-Improvement Chronicles: Plywood, Planter, Paper (Weeks 2-6)

the windows: most of the new windows were installed by the end of the second week. i went with the Milgard brand because it’s super awesome and because it offered a WoodClad Series that mimics the appearance of wood while being the more affordable fiberglass.



the doors: i was beyond thrilled to see the old deck door go — with its too many mullions that mimicked a jail cell. almost every window had this same grid pattern and most windows were single paned, meaning zero energy efficiency.



by contrast: the new doors and windows are double paned for maximum energy efficiency and have only the few mullions needed to make the windows craftsman-style. the cranberry trim will fit with the color theme of the house’s exterior, which will be a mix of browns, yellows and reds.



meanwhile: the plywood was coming, personally delivered by Home Depot, my contractor’s home away from home.



woodsy: after all the damaged studs and beams were torn out and replaced and gaps in the insulation were filled in, the house was wrapped in plywood, which, according to my contractor Platon, made it “four times stronger than it ever was before.” i do not dispute this.





new planter: there was a bit of debate over this — whether to keep the old, short planter or build a new, higher one, with the latter winning out. now comes the new debate: what should i plant there?



the specs: one very thoughtful thing my contractor did was build the planter about two inches away from the front of the house, which will separate the dirt from the wood siding, preventing erosion of the wood. the planter also seems to extend the front of the house by a few feet.



nice and tall: the top of the planter meets the bottom of the windowsill, which makes it about waist-high. the plan is to cover the front of it with wood siding so it blends seamlessly into the rest of the house.



the tar: the day the tar came was one of my least favorite days of construction, probably because it was one of the hottest days of the summer in addition to being a saturday, meaning i was home to smell the grossness that is hot tar on a hot day. plus, Pinko stepped in the tar and matted the hair on her paw together. and that was soooo much fun to remove.





the awning: remember that rotted wood awning in the last installment of these chronicles? that came down and a new, longer, not rotted awning was built in its place.



and there it is: the new awning is so lovely and long that i’ll be able to sit on my porch during rainy days and never get a drop of rain on me. and yes, i plan to test this theory the next time it rains.



can you smell the wood? i know i probably should have gone with a greener alternative like composite or bamboo, but nothing is as awesome as wood. not only does it look the best, it’s still the most durable building material and was far cheaper than most quality composites i looked into.



roof repair: much of my roof is crap but there was no budget to fix it during this remodel, so my contractor ordered a few panels of what looks like faux wood and lined the exposed part of the roof overhang with it, making the roof look deceptively new.



more roof repair: a few beams were replaced, the existing paint was removed, and any dents in the rafters were filled with Bondo.





the deck: it quickly turned into a dilapidated disaster as parts of it seemed to fall off daily. it became so unstable that the crew added a few beams to reinforce the posts before demolishing it entirely and rebuilding new scaffolding.



the black paper: with the house wrapped in plywood, the awning rebuilt, the roof repaired and the planter erected, the time had come to wrap the house in flashing, the last step before applying the wood siding.



deckless house: the deck came down on monday, september 5, the 36th day of Operation: Home Remodel. it was Labor Day so i had the day off of work but couldn’t get home in time from my trip to the beach to take photos of the demo. (tragic, i know.)



gift wrapped: this is how the house looked at the end of the sixth week of construction. my once pink house had turned black. and i stood beside it, happy that we were halfway there.

Everything Else

sadly, there’s not much else happening besides Operation: Home Remodel, which has entered its sixth week. i was fine with everything until about a week ago, when the orchestra of hammers, drills and saws that has been the soundtrack of my life again woke me up too early on a saturday morning.

i was lying in bed, feeling sleep deprived as usual, my two nervous dogs pacing the room and whining incessantly as usual, and thinking to myself, “fuck, i am so sick of this.” of course, i know it won’t last forever and it will all be worth it in the end — something i am reminded of constantly by almost everyone i know — but that doesn’t make the day suck any less. still, i’m hanging in there and will make it through. and despite a few hiccups, i’m happy to report that everything is going as planned.

in my spare time, i’ve been working like a madwoman who really needs the money. i even picked up a side gig working as a transcriber, a wholly stressful gig that i sort of hate but am happy to do as it means cash in the hand, which i am all about these days. my goal is to pay down my newly acquired house debt in just a few years, and i have many innovative schemes i’m hoping will help me reach this goal (all of them legal, of course). in the meantime, i’ll be eating plenty of poverty meals, mostly prepared in the crockpot, and taking vacations to nowhere.

in my leftover free time that isn’t consumed by house stuff, work, sleep and wishing i were asleep, i’ve attended two weddings and one play, saw Janet Jackson perform at the Greek, Buena Vista Social Club at the Bowl, made a foray to the beach — where i attained an epic sunburn — and marathoned the HBO series Game of Thrones, which i really loved.

i’ve also been reading plenty and watching this season of Big Brother religiously in addition to catching up on plenty of other streamable movies. (notice how i haven’t mentioned exercise in this list.) beyond that, i just wish construction would end already. just six (eight? ten?) more weeks to go.

The Home-Improvement Chronicles: Demolition Days (Week 1)

danger, danger: wrapping the perimeter of my house with CAUTION tape was the first thing the crew did when they arrived. it was a Monday, the first day of August 2011, and Operation: Home Remodel had officially begun.



step 2: a huge plastic sheet appeared at the side of the house that separates me from my closest neighbor. this was to catch any debris that would (surely) result from the demolition.



man in white suit: thankfully, there was no little pointy hat to match, but the suit did resemble the alien spacesuit you’d see on a hazmat team. turns out the paint on my existing siding contained trace amounts of lead, which has to be removed under stringent EPA guidelines that mandate white suits, respirators, plastic sheets and gloves, special receptacles and complicated disposal techniques.



by the book: apparently, there is a big fine if lead-laden paint is not disposed of properly, as even a small amount can kill a kid if it’s ingested, so my contractor and i made it a point to follow the code to the letter — in this instance as well as every other — because we are law-abiding people who never jaywalk or download pirated music.



day 2: demo moved pretty quickly and by the end of the second day, all the siding had been removed, leaving the bones of my house exposed. the great surprise is that they were pretty good bones and the insulation was solid. but the best news of all: no more pink house.



other surprises: ok, so not every bone was perfect. there were some overrun with dry rot and termite damage, but rest assured that every faulty stud was torn out and replaced. thankfully, there were more good than bad studs. (there’s a pun in there somewhere.)


front door awning: this area was the most damaged area of the house, fully rotted through, and it unnerves me to think i spent three years walking under this unstable thing, which could be pulled apart with bare hands.



tornado alert: a lot of folks have asked me how my dogs are handling this ruckus, to which i reply, “as well as can be expected.” (this goes for my handling of it, too, though i don’t get as many questions on that.) needless to say, it’s been disruptive to all our lives and i’ll be happy when it’s over, but it’s the cost of doing business — a cost i’m willing to bear for a nice house.



day 5: a dumpster arrived, taking over my driveway (and making my already ghetto house look even more stylish). first thing to enter the dumpster was the demo’ed debris in the foreground from two planters — the one i’m sitting on in the photo above and the brick one at the right of me, below the deck. the two brick planters that line my walkway (pictured above the debris) will remain intact.



another surprise: underneath the stucco that covered the master bedroom at the far end of the house was the same pink siding that covered the rest of the house. this was surprising because i had always understood that bedroom to be an addition, which would explain the stucco-siding discrepancy, but it appears it was always part of the house, which means the stucco doesn’t make any sense at all.



already forgotten: as the demo was moving along quickly, i didn’t dwell on this mystery or any of the house’s many others (like why there was a tile factory in the crawlspace) and instead focused on the drama that was brewing between my contractor and his sub.

turns out there was a dispute over money, a dispute i knew nothing about until day 7 of Operation: Home Remodel, when my house stood naked, siding gone, bones out, and the sub and his crew of four beefy guys showed up on my doorstep. it was early sunday morning — i answered the door in my pajamas — and they were asking for money.

as delicately as i could, i explained to the sub that i would not be giving him any money that day, or any other day, as we had no contract in place, and that they should take up any issues they had with my contractor. then came an earful about what a shitty guy he was (all lies, he’s been an awesome contractor) and after realizing that i wouldn’t budge despite the intimidation, i let the crew into my garage, where they recovered their tools, told me they were quitting and left.

i wish i could say that was the end of it, but the sub called me later that day to keep complaining. he was convinced he was owed more money, even though he and my contractor negotiated a wage at the start of the week, which was paid, but the sub convinced himself it wasn’t enough.

why he kept working without renegotiating the wage i’ll never understand — nor did he have an explanation for — but he was relentless in his complaints, which he kept peppering with, “i wouldn’t want you to be affected by this.” when i called him on it, out came the threats, none of which i care to go into, (and none of them particularly aggressive), but they were enough to disturb me. also disturbing was how kept following each threat with, “you understand me?” yeah, buddy. i understand that you’re an asshole trying to blackmail me.

obviously, this prompted several lengthy discussions between me and my contractor, in which we decided to do absolutely nothing. the result? absolutely nothing happened. the old sub ultimately left us alone, and a new crew arrived to take over where the old crew left off. they’ve been working steadily on my place ever since — no drama, no fuss. with demolition complete, it was time to install the new windows, build a few things and prep the house for siding, all to be covered next.

One-Hit Wonders: August 2011

...search terms inexplicably pulling up this blog...

• a wife driven insane by husband tickling her feet’
• aztec dream
• jdate cheekysoandso
• 2 different colors of laminate in same room
• bert and ernie gay
• morphosis architects
• mt hood eruption august 1907
• monkey arms up
• the zeros dont push me around
• swappin every last drop! milla

The Home-Improvement Chronicles: The Before Pictures

my little piece of earth: it’s cute, isn’t it? yeah, i don’t really think so either, but it will be after a crew comes to strip it, flip it and rub it down. this entails changing out all the doors and windows, replacing the cracked and peeling siding with redwood and rebuilding the deck.



side view: my house is on a hillside, which may sound sexy in theory, but in practice it can be problematic. there’s this strange little thing called gravity that keeps tempting my house to slide down the hill. i want to say i’ve won the battle, but the truth is it can never be won. just walk across my uneven kitchen floors to see what i mean.



the deck: this is the root of all evil, the whole reason i’m even doing this remodel. actually, the evil insurance company that dropped me is the real reason, but that’s just a minor detail. because the truth is that the deck really really needs to be replaced, like really really. and now is a good time to replace it, because the longer i wait and the more people i invite over to hang out with me on my deck, the greater risk i run of killing my friends.



would you stand on this deck? don’t worry because the drop is really minor, under a story, and you’d land on soft dirt below so you probably won’t die, maybe just break an arm. it’s really no big deal.



time heals — and hurts: i’m not sure when the deck was built, but i can assure you it’s suffered many years of neglect, as evidenced by the dry rot and termite damage. people have asked me if the deck can be salvaged instead of torn down and replaced. hopefully, this photo provides the answer.



decked out: i also get asked why i bought such a fixer, knowing i would have to replace almost everything after moving in. the easy answer is because it was all i could afford, which is true, but the larger truth is that the house has an unbeatable location. if the hillside i live on is a ship, my deck is at its bow, meaning i’ve got a killer view. my house is also not level with any of my neighbors’ houses, giving me ultimate privacy. in fact, i could stand naked on my deck and no one would see me.



from the deck looking in: time to get ghetto! behold the chipped paint, ugly sliding doors with two many mullions, unpainted boards after a window replacement and generally lousy paint job.



speaking of the paint: i call it two shades of barf. one shady is pale pinkish and the other shade, reserved only for the bedroom on the far side of the house is, pale peach. notice how that bedroom is covered in stucco and not in siding like the rest of the house — the whys of which will never be known.

the third shade of paint: weird lavender color near the front door and other nonsensical areas. neighbors said the old owners were considering repainting and this is where they decided to test a swatch, which is, of course, totally logical.



did i mention the house was a foreclosure? maybe i didn’t have to mention it, as it should be obvious by now. story is that the old owners refi’ed themselves into homelessness, spending the cash on dirt bikes, Escalades and trips abroad instead of giving the house a decent paint job, secure deck and energy-efficient windows. did i mention the windows are all single pane?



more ghetto: let’s hear it for boarded up windows! this is the exterior of the kitchen, near the deck’s staircase at the side of the house, which leads to the basement where the washer and dryer live. on those stilts is part of the master bedroom, the part of the house shown earlier that’s wrapped in stucco instead of siding and painted that barfy pale peach.



the basement: it’s behind this little window (under the kitchen) and includes forementioned washer/dyer, a toilet, a sink and a storage area. rumor is that the extended family of the old owners were living there, which explains why the room had cable tv. also notice the perfectly misaligned siding.



the far end of the house: this is the (sort of) yard area beyond the main driveway and in the back of the house. the structure at the top right is my garage, which is detached and located farther up the hill, also behind the house. this means i have two driveways, as there is a driveway next to the house (visible in the first picture in this post). my plan for the detached garage is to convert it into an apartment (as well as converting the yard into a zen paradise), but that’s a remodel for another time.



speaking of the remodel: i’m about a week in and it’s been nothing short of intense. (more on that in the next post). but that’s the cost of doing business, a cost i’m willing to endure as it will give me my dream house in the end, a house that should look a little something like these two renderings.

35th Birthday

the 14th time i turned 21: was just like the last 14, or so it seemed. i don’t remember too much about that night beyond the fact that there were friends and alcohol all around me. but unlike the first time i turned 21, i wasn’t in vegas with my head in a toilet. i was at a local bar drinking top-shelf vodka with a raised pinky. however, as this photo demonstrates, i will still clearly acting like a fool.

the friends, they came! and kept my smile wide and my class full all night. not that i made it easy for them with my nonstop guzzling. from left: Cassie, Anna, Thurman, a still (somewhat) sober me, and Mike.



more friends! Justin, Ann, Raidis and Deo also showed up to brighten my night and freshen my glass. this year’s party was held at Verdugo Bar instead of my or Raidis’ house simply because it was more convenient for me. and that made cleanup very convenient by making it nonexistent. i also didn’t have to worry about annoying my neighbors or if everyone knew where the drinks were. overall, a very good call — one i should have made many parties ago.



when worlds collide: my two studliest friends, Thurman and Phillip, who had interacted with each other only through my Facebook page, met in person. it was a sight to behold, sealed with a bro hug. after, a glass was raised, a toast was said and many jokes followed.

my Felipe: we are likethis, hanging out all the time in my kitchen, cooking up vegan food and hatching plans for world domination. we’re practically married as we don’t have sex, instead spending our time watching bad movies and talking about how we could make a better one. (unfortunately, the person i do have sex with, the costa rican cutie, had to be out of town for work the weekend of my birthday, though he sent me a nice bouquet of flowers in his place.)    



21 forever! it’s my party and i’ll get sloshed if i want to. thankfully, i had the very beautiful Grace nearby to keep me upright.

group hug: Elliot, Juan, Christine and Cerreah make withstanding a bright flash in the face look easy.



then i took a bite of her face: Polly and her man Ron (whom she’s marrying this month!) arrived late enough to witness me at my finest. she was also kind enough to keep me upright even as i tried my hardest to drag her down by throwing my monkey arms around her — something i did repeatedly to various friends throughout the night.



happy birthday to me: but in the end, fun was had by all. (at least i think it was; i don’t really remember.) i do remember waking up the next morning without a hangover, which may seem impossible considering the evidence, but when my friends are the ones buying the drinks all night, top-shelf vodka is the only thing i’ll order. thanks, guys!



that morning: i slept in as late as possible and awoke feeling fantastico. my friends always know how to put a smile on my face, one that was widened by the 90-minute massage i treated myself to. it was sunday, june 26, my actual birthday, and i was 35 years old.



where it all began: the weekend ended with a birthday dinner, courtesy of my awesome parents, who took me to one of my favorite restaurants where they gave me some pretty jewelry and told me they were proud of me. seeing as they are the best parents in the world, i’m the one who's proud — and incredibly lucky. coupled with the best friends in the world, who kept me company the prior night, i’d say this birthday was pretty damn good.

here’s to hoping the year is even better.