Working Girl

the good and bad news is that i'm swamped with work -- schoolwork, that is. and of course i'm behind in everything. i've already asked for extensions on two papers, neither of which i have started and both of which were due this week. i need to play catch up in a major way very quickly.

so i'm imploring you, dear readers, to help me on yet another assignment i need to complete. this is fairly basic stuff -- i just need three story ideas. that's it. they're for my "comp exam," which is basically a 1,500-word news story i need to write for the school to show them that they taught me something in two years. it's in lieu of a proper thesis, it's on a pass/fail basis, and i need to submit three ideas by friday, one of which they will choose and give me two weeks to complete. help a sistah out by shooting me an email with some ideas (very easy, very basic stuff, please) of stories that you'd like to see reported. let's keep it local, as i'm obviously unable to travel to washington to report on bush and his wishes for an unconstitutional constitutional amendment.

send emails to: milla666@aol.com (sorry, too lazy to hyperlink) and thanks for playing.

Better

things have improved on this end, as far as my innards go. i had a couple of loopy days there where i thought they needed to cart me off to the looney bin. i couldn't cope at first, but now i've regained my footing.

i suppose my last post was a bit vitriolic and i don't mean to shut people out. it was just fucking annoying after i first split with pablo the wave of pity that came my way. people constantly calling offering everything under the sun, inviting me out to the movies, girls at my school running up to me in the halls and suddenly trying to hug me, everyone asking "are you ok?" and then having to retell the story, decline offers politely and so forth. perhaps i'm being unfair. i'm sure it was all sincere, but it was still fucking annoying, and lately i'm feeling twice as irritable.

i'm trying to go on like normal, trying to find furnishings for my new living room, trying to focus on my assignments and trying to pull myself out of self-pity mode. give me time with the last one. i need to wallow a bit longer and i know that falling apart won't do anyone any good. but it's hard to just "snap out of it."

the bright side to everything is that i've lost 10 pounds without even trying.

Bad to Worse

my best friend has cancer. i got the news late last week. it's lymphoma, non-hodgkins, i think. needless to say, this has been devastating. he's my closest friend, whom i've known for 15 years, three of which he spent as my boyfriend. we have so much between us, i couldn't even describe it. our bond runs unimaginably deep. he's a half-semester away from completing a master's degree at columbia university in new york. he works part time for UNICEF. he's an extraordinary person, one of the smartest i've ever met. and now he has cancer.

i don't know how to wrap my brain around all the new realities i've suddenly found myself facing. this is beyond difficult and i lately find myself unraveling. i'm trying to keep it together, stay strong, prepare myself for what lies ahead. but it's so fucking hard.

friends, stay the fuck away. if you see me, don't remind me or look at me with those sad eyes you gave me when i split with my boyfriend. if i want to talk to you about it, i will (though i probably won't want to). it was bad enough having to go through the phone pleasantries when everyone called offering their condolenses for the death of my relationship. i'm feeling less cordial this time around, and need even more time and space. if you must, send e-mail. don't expect a reply. sorry in advance, i'm just not feeling like myself lately. respect that.

if you want to help, find a cure for lymphoma.

Moved to Move On

doing MUCH better, folks. i think the worst is behind me and i'm feeling pretty strong lately. no more tears, in or outside of class. now a healthy sense of optimism is starting to sink in, spawned in large part to my new digs, which, if i may say, are pretty fucking sweet.

yes, i moved to a great 1-bedroom guesthouse in west hollywood, washer/dryer in the unit, dishwasher, hardwood floors, vaulted ceilings, recessed lighting in each room, pine cabinets in the kitchen, private YARD in the back for my dog, private entrance for me through a gorgeous french door, tile in the bathroom, new stove... so i guess i'm pretty pleased with my new residence.

yeah, i feel so mary tyler moore lately. these moments have been saturated with such sweet possibility. i'm not there yet, and i know it will take many more months of ups and downs, but i'm starting to heal.

Thanks, Jeremy

Invictus
by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Meltdown

i shouldn't be writing right now. i promised myself i wouldn't sit down to blog until i returned to baseline, at least somewhat. but i don't believe that's going to happen anytime soon, and when i feel too much, i often feel compelled to write it down, filter it through, get it out and send it on its way.

i don't fucking know. i should be doing a million other things right now, like packing up my shit to get ready for a move i'll likely be making soon. i could do some schoolwork, dishes, anything, everything. but nope, just sitting here consumed by this.

YES, it's true, folks. it is indeed over; YES, he cheated; YES, i'm pissed -- hurt, sad, disappointed, shocked and every other sorry feeling you can think of. i'm a fucking mess, walking disaster, i even cried in class the other day. that was so dumb, but i just couldn't help it. my column writing professor had us do an in-class exercise where we just free wrote for 10 minutes nonstop. guess what i wrote about? then he had us read it aloud to the rest of the class. i squirmed and said it was too personal, but he insisted, and since i knew i wouldn't be able to get through it, a classmate kindly read it for me. here it is:

"my heart is broken. that's the bottom line. he did it, broke it, finished it. and of course i never saw it coming. (does anyone?) just feel destroyed, like a nuclear wasteland, my safety net obliterated, my home ruined. four years -- good ones -- and he leaves me with this as his parting memory of us: that he cheated. that's what it's all reduced to. i can never remember the summer spent traveling through europe, the courtship that seemed so perfect, those first few weeks with the new puppy when we became a family. nope, nixed. now only this: that he cheated, he strayed, he lied. four years reduced to this simple fact and nothing more.
but i'll go on. i must, i'm not easily broken. i'll rise, survive, and maybe one day learn to love again, without fear. 'just keep busy,' i tell myself. must GO, GO, GO. there's work to be done, tasks that need completion, papers that need to be written, dishes to be washed. i can't stop, not even for a minute. otherwise, i just fall apart, collapse onto the floor in a sobbing heap. must pull through. keep it together and for god's sake, don't cry in class!! and sometimes it works. sometimes i get so focused on what i'm doing that i forget for a moment. the pain ceases and i can exhale. that's about all i can do -- breathe in, breathe out. lord knows i can't eat or sleep. can't really smile. won't be doing anything that feels carefree for a while. just surviving -- taking it one day at a time, letting time heal all wounds, that it's his loss, and every other fucking cliche i've heard in the last few days."

so of course i cried in class when it was read aloud and now i'll always be the Tragic Girl among my classmates. i was so embarassed, didn't know how to recover, so i sat silent the rest of the class, wishing it would finally be over so i could go home and cry some more.

sorry, maybe this is too much information. i never put shit up this personal on my blog and that's always been intentional. i really am a private person, despite even having a blog. but i don't want to vanish. you'll have to bear with me as i work through it here, at least some of it.

thanks, friends who've offered their support through phone calls, emails, comments. i hear ya, appreciate it. but i need some time alone right now. i won't be coming over to ruin your day with my trauma so you can feel sorry for me while i feel sorry for myself. i best grieve in private.

and i'll pull through ultimately -- this, i don't doubt, so don't worry too much about me. yes, it'll make me stronger, my heart a little harder, my eyes a little sadder, but it won't break me. now if you'll excuse me, i have to go weep.

The Big News in Six Words

he cheated. i'm pissed. it's over.

The (Last) First Week of Classes

ah, nice to be all done with my school week on a wednesday and through until next tuesday, as monday is MLK day. how did it go, you ask? well, nothing unusual -- standard passing out of syllabi, professor introducing himself (yes, all men this semester), outlining course goals and setting expectations. here's the rundown:

Column Writing: i wish i can say more about this one, but the prof was out with the flu on day one and had a sub step in and show a documentary during class. the doc's subject: the prof himself, the venerable norman corwin. ok, this guy is the shit, amazing writer, really more of a poet than a journalist, but he's 93. no joke, that's his real age. i've been waking up each morning afraid i'll see his obituary in the LA Times. i mean, having the flu at 93 is a big deal, no? for my own selfish sake, i hope not, because i don't want to miss out on this guy's eminence. the class requires me to produce plenty of columns, but i rather enjoy writing personal essays and this blog is kinda like a column to me, so it should be fun.

Magazine Writing: finally, a class on magazines -- you know, the arena i'll likely enter after graduation. i'm so sick of daily news. this class better be good, because the school has a lot of making up to do. prof seems cool, heard he's lax with deadlines, very nice and approachable guy. just need to produce two lengthy pieces for this class, one of which is a personal essay. so again, outlook good.

Publications Design & Technology: this one will teach me how to use adobe's in design 2.0 and photoshop 7.0 and a little of quark. useful, engaging, easy. that's how all should be with this class, though i've heard it's really a lot of busy work. there's a final design project of my choosing, so i hope to create a snazzy portfolio to showcase my work in. bad news is that the class is full of undergrads and the only other annenberg grad student is the most annoying girl in my program.

other than that, the class i'm the TA for has to do with sports. it's something like "sports, business and society." (big yawn) but whatever. usc is still footing the entire bill for me this semester and giving me a monthly stipend. i'm also gonna continue copy editing for those wacky dorks in culver city and keep trying to pick up clips. and maybe i'll pick up an internship somewhere, if i can make the time and if it's really worthwhile.

Break No More

today is officially the last weekday of my winter recess. this depresses me to no end. the only bright side is that it inches me closer to the goal of graduation, just one semester, three classes and five months away.

i tried to ride out this week in style, doing more of nothing. took in shopping with money i don't have, saw some people i hadn't seen in awhile, listened to music i hadn't heard in a while, still been sleeping in late and being awakened each morning by my canine's tongue or paw.

pabs returned last night from his trip to argentina after spending about two weeks away. though i'm glad to have him home, i will admit that i enjoyed my me time immensely -- big bed all to myself, playing my chick music at full volume, smelling up the house with sauteed salmon, a dish and fish my beloved detests.

this sunday, his parents come into town to stay with us for a few days before zooming off to phoenix for his dad's work conference. this means that we will spend all of saturday scrubing the apartment down from wall to wall, ceiling to floor. gotta wash the dog, do all the laundry and ironing, dust the blinds, etc. back to the mundane. the break really is over. ugh.

Thoughts on the New Year

now that i've emerged from the hangover haze that kept me disoriented the first two days of 2004, i can now focus on the 363 days that are left -- or is 364, are we going into a leap year? anyway, the worst part about entering a new year is making that mental adjustment to date checks correctly. it'll get me for months.

beyond that, i guess i should make some resolutions that i'll likely break in the coming year. i think making one or two a year is feasible, any more is just setting yourself up for failure. i'll keep it simple this year and just focus on the liquids -- namely, a resolution to drink less alcohol and drink more tea and water.

i'm not sure what's happened over the past few years to make me such a lush. but now it's hard for me to even fall asleep at night without a glass of wine. maybe it's the wannabe european in me leftover from the summer who needs a glass with every meal, but it can't continue. for starters, it's impeding my weight loss. i'll be judicious about my diet all day and then have a bottle of merlot all on my own with dinner. that translates into sugar which marches straight to my ass. and an entire bottle doesn't get me drunk -- a whole bottle. i mean, that's bad, right?

so no more casual boozing. from now on, i will drink solely during social occasions and celebrations. so far i've been very good. haven't touched a drop of alcohol this whole year. do i miss it? hell yeah -- i'm cranky and can't sleep well at night. but i'll keep going with this. quitting smoking was way harder. and i can replace my nightcaps with tea and/or water, which i've been neglecting to nourish my body with over the years. i bought some moroccan mint green tea to start me with my journey. (but the coffee i'm keeping -- i'm down to two cups a day and that ain't bad, ok?)

beyond that, i can see already that this year will be full of changes, all hopefully for the best. whereas last year seemed like an awesome summer bookended by stress, this year should only start stressful and end blissful. graduation is in may, and it couldn't get here fast enough. then comes the job hunt, which will probably suck, but should get me to the next level, whatever that is. by the end of the year i should be a working professional again, which means regular paychecks -- no more student scrounging.

in addition, pablo is talking about getting an internship up north for the summer and doing a semester abroad in the fall, leaving me (delightfully) on my own. hopefully before then, in late may, there will be a trip to asia in store for both of us. i'm also thinking of moving out of my ghetto neighborhood and getting a new furry baby, maybe a rottweiler. and i'm also thinking of embarking on a serious writing project, like a book or screenplay. something i can start and finish just to know that i can really finish what i start, and that writing for me won't be just half-baked ideas and scribbled notes that lead nowhere.

hmm... what else? maybe new couches, if i have the money, and laser hair removal, so i never have to shave my armpits again. i'd also like to take another trip to hawaii with kiana. and while i'm at it, i think i'll lose 20 pounds and win the lottery. hey, sounds like a fun year ahead!

but tonight i'll start with updating the Milla Times website -- you know, that thing i said i'd do six months ago.