Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Static Electricity

...electricity that consists of isolated motionless charges (as those produced by friction)

everything is weird again, but in the best possible way. graduation is on friday and now, on tuesday, i'm all stir crazy. turned in the LAST two college papers of my life. feeling pretty damn good, smiles are finding their way onto my face again. i've got mumbo jumbo inside, too many competing forces at play. it's a scattered energy that's bouncing me all around my house with no real purpose or focus. i do, then stop, then ponder, then start again and finish, then move on. everything looks fresh. it's like i can feel the earth spinning and myself spin with it. i've gotten dizzy a few times. it's a bloodless upheaval within, a velvet revolution. i'm walking around electric, looking everyone in the eye; i can sense the inherent energy in even the smallest things around me and somehow connect. i'm tapped into the ground even though my head is in the clouds. i feel alive, alert, enchanted by the world again. in short, i'm feeling fucking fantastic as graduation approaches. it's a euphoria that borders on the delusional. joy is driving me crazy for a change. it's making me want to run up and hug strangers. i feel like i'm on ecstacy.

so yes, things are good. better than good. lots of possibility and opportunity on the horizon. oases up ahead. the job search: blah blah. i imagine it'll take about a month or six weeks to get there. in the interim, i'm going to enjoy each day off while i send out those resumes. and i'm trying to plan a weekend jaunt to san francisco soon. if anyone (Zee?) wants to drive up with me, do let me know.

harem update: i know this is the real reason anyone bothers with this thing anymore. haven't been on too many dates in recent times, and the guys responding to my profile lately seem like losers. i'm going to be proactive again real soon. O., my one steady in rotation, is still in rotation, but that might be winding down soon, or maybe it's just reaching its natural baseline, it's hard to say at this point. there's been no great calamities with it, it's just a matter responding to the curve balls life throws at you. i hope to maintain it, but we'll see how it turns out. and we may have another contender to throw into the fire, but it's also too soon to tell. it would be great if it worked out. he not from the personals; he's actually someone from real life whom i've had my eye on for quite some time. we've begun to hang out in recent weeks. he has many great attributes, including a killer body sculpted by eight years of yoga. yum.

i'm doing quite well managing all this, better than i thought i would. it's so easy for me to detach from people and situations. it's almost scary and kind of sad. it's not a matter of consciously playing the hide-your-heart game; now it's just reflex for me. i give nothing away, show no vulnerability. maybe the metamorphosis is complete -- have i become a man? i'm (thankfully) not doing all the girlie things i once did, like waiting around for phone calls or having elaborate daydreams about the guy. i'm not swooning, and i'm virtually impossible to impress. i'm just going with the flow, moving forward with zero expectations, taking everything for face value. and that feels great as well -- liberating to be this footloose and fancy-free. nothing is so hot and heavy anymore. so much better to be light and airy. the lightness of being isn't that unbearable.

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