The Emperor

oh boy, oh boy. i feel uncharacteristically self-conscious writing this. it's been fraying my nerves and weighing on (what i believe to be) my usually good judgment. i find myself toeing the line between being honest and being smart, lest a blog entry come back later to bite me in the ass, as it's done too often before. it's not that i'm so afraid of embarassing myself -- i can point to many a former entry where i've excelled at being a jackass. it's just this general uneasiness that stems from privacy and perception issues. and it's likely much more an issue in my head than anywhere else. so here goes nothing about something.

better than a jewish matchmaker: why did i waste all that time with internet dating, using some cheeky profile that highlighted my big rack, when i could have instead relied on this blog to attract men? it seems so obvious to me now. about a year ago, comments began to appear on almost all my entries, signed by "chris knight." the comments were sometimes insightful, sometimes obnoxious and convoluted, but always amusing. i looked forward to reading them. i was proud to have a "groupie," to have someone i didn't know take an interest in my writings about my life.

meanwhile, i go out with my friends, many of whom i went to high school with. we were a small class, and a core group of us maintain constant contact. twice in about six weeks i run into Marlin at various group functions. Marlin, whom i never gave a shit for in high school and whom i hadn't seen in a few years, i now find myself incredibly, irresistably and inexplicably attracted to. a flirtation ensues, but it doesn't extend beyond those two meetings, though he stays in my mind.

i go on about my harem business and begin to nudge "chris knight," whose comments indicated that he lived in LA, into sending me an email, so i can meet him over coffee. a month ago i get my email.

the reveal: "chris" is Marlin; Marlin is "chris." i read through the email and sit at my desk motionless for five minutes. i never would have guessed. i get up and take an hourlong walk. it was like finding out that your secret admirer was the same guy you had your secret crush on. coupled with the weird tarot reading that predicted a new man on my horizon, it was so clear. some of my friends thought i was crazy, and that his actions were "creepy" and "deceptive." i found it very romantic -- cinematic, even. we meet for dinner and drinks the following week. sparks fly. we have a lull-less conversation. we agree to take things very very slowly. three days later, we're practically chained to each other.

feelings: i'm trying to stay out of my own way. i'm trying not to be terrified. i'm trying to stay present and open. and so far...i guess it's working. as much as i'd like to deny it, i gotta admit that i'm friggin' swooning. i get giddy after a phone call. i feel as self-possessed as a bowl of jello. my insides are mush. i feel awakened, challenged, stimulated. i've become the girl i'd ridicule -- all sprung and vulnerable, my pupils fully dilated when i look at him. (see below for photos from my party. read the captions.)

yeah. him. i'm going to avoid singing his praises here (sorry, momo), because i've already grossed myself out enough. but rest assured that he's spectacular. he's brilliant, intense, analytical, creative, stylish, passionate, tall and sexy as hell. and he's sooooo hot in the sack. (shit, i think sang his praises after all.) and he is so The Emperor, the tarot card representing a strong-willed mother fucker. he is as much his own person as i am mine. we don't take each others' shit. have i met my match? perhaps. is this love? maybe. maybe.

let's not get carried away: as great as i feel now, i'm fully aware that i won't always feel this way. but that suits me fine. i also know that i need to be here right now, doing this, whatever the outcome. and despite how it might sound, i still am incredibly realistic and grounded. my expectations are tempered. it's been only a month and i am moving at the speed of time. i see his many attributes -- and also his flaws. we've had arguments. there are wrinkles that need ironing. he's not the Mrs. but for now, he is my boyfriend. (check out his blog.) the harem is dissolved.

to summarize: i'm happy. i'm feeling big feelings. and it feels good.