One-Hit Wonders: July 2011

...search terms inexplicably pulling up this blog...

• photo of children playing near mountain lion
• bloody fight
• milky tits
• skunk sprayed my face
• cute dog conversation
• tickle her feet
• welcoming a new roommate?
• milla wet and puffy
• people partying
• worlds longest poop

Stuff and Things

hello and goodbye, july! thanks for flying by with a wave, a wink and a smack on the ass. you’ve been quite hectic, alternating between crazy busy and wholly uneventful — with nap-filled, lazy days followed by full-agenda days that last well into the night. not that i have any complaints. in fact, you’ve been pretty good to me. great even. though i sense that’s about to change when august flies in and starts dropping its stress bombs. but before that happens, let’s do a quick rundown of july’s softballs.

• operation: home remodel: certainly, this is the stress bomb i speak of. its start date has been pushed back so many times that i sometimes wonder if it will ever start. there have been various delays for various reasons, but it’s definitely still going to happen (possibly next week). and when it does happen, it will effectively end my summer, keeping me housebound, penniless and in a world of construction dust. that’s probably for the best as i’ve been meaning to stream some movies, read some books and, umm, catch up on blogging.

• operation: socialize: this one i am all caught up on as i have been attending nearly every party, art show, dinner, concert and envelope opening that i have been invited to, usually with the costa rican cutie on my arm. i even went dancing (two nights in a row!) last weekend and spent a whole day communing with The Nature in the santa monica mountains. this is in addition to the group hikes that take place every tuesday (ping me if you want details) and did i mention that writing class i just completed?

• operation: be a writer: allow me a little Product Placement here as i plug the wonderful, glorious and often delicious (given that they serve food) Writing Pad, which offers fabulous writing classes and events populated by unpretentious people (so rare in LA). i just finished a four-week personal essay class, where i workshopped what’s basically an extended blog post that i’m hoping to publish anywhere but this blog. as i’ve already received one rejection, outlook not so good, so i’m sure it will be here soon enough.

• operation: haiku wednesdays: if you’re not my friend on facebook, you totally should be (i’m also on Google+), so you can be a part of something that’s cooler than ice! known as Haiku Wednesdays, it’s basically exactly what it sounds like: a bunch of facebookers write haikus every wednesday that are posted on a group page. it’s something i started after randomly writing a status update as a haiku, and now it’s a global phenomenon that’s 65-people strong. yeah!

• operation: rest of summer: i’m going to get a bike (and actually use it). i’m going to write more, here and elsewhere. i’m going to plan an overseas trip that i hope to take next year. i’m going to attend lots of free events and cook at home most of the time. i’m going to exercise more. and now that i’ve immortalized these goals by telling them to the internets, i’m going to nap.

One-Hit Wonders: June 2011

...search terms inexplicably pulling up this blog...

• big tiits
• is landmark education taking over my church
• john taylor's costume sing blue silver
• newseum headlines in restrooms
• фото milla, cristal may - amazing little bitches
• gravity and brevity
• daddy sucks my lactating tits
• mountain lion signs
• oyster dozen
• landmark forum killed my artistic inclinations

35

seems like it was just yesterday that i was turning 30 and having a panic about it, and here comes 35 barreling toward me, reminding me that it could be so much worse. “wait until you turn 40,” i can hear my older friends saying, to which i reply, “ok, i’ll wait.”

of course, i know this birthday doesn’t have to be a thing unless i make it a thing, and clearly i am making it a thing. which doesn’t mean that i’m making it a bad thing. but i do rely on my birthday as a midyear checkpoint of sorts, a time when i take inventory, re-evaluate my goals, review the past year and prepare for the next one.

six months from now, i’ll be doing the same thing around the holidays, though i’ll likely add in a few laments about the cruelty of time, the solitude of winter and how i can’t stop eating all the fruitcake left around the office.

goal-wise, i think i am doing ok. not great, not horrible, but about average. long-time readers may remember a list of goals i made around my 30th birthday — and dumbly immortalized on this blog — that i intended to accomplish by 40, a list i review every year, cringing. it’s replicated below, with notes made in italics.

• have a kid! maybe even two (three tops). maybe this won’t play out completely perfectly, maybe you’ll need to visit the sperm bank when you hit your “scary age” but have a kid at some point, even if it’s just one, because from the outside, parenthood looks interesting, exhausting, otherworldly and definitely worth knowing.
  let’s jump directly to the heavy stuff, eh? yeah, this one is tough because, halfway through my thirties, i’ve never felt further from this goal. parenthood is still very much something i want to experience, and intend to, but the hows and whens of this are still a mystery. thankfully, i’m not quite near the point of panic yet, despite my “advanced maternal age,” so i’ll continue to save this for later.

• don’t get married just to have a kid or just to be married. honor the promise you made to yourself regarding marriage — that you’ll do it only if it feels absolutely right in your bones, your blood and your brain. and even then reconsider.
  still happily unmarried, so i’m doing great with this one. my dad said to me the other week, “i don’t think you’ll ever get married. but not because you can’t, but because you don’t want to.” and he’s absolutely right. of course, i could be persuaded if circumstances rearranged themselves, but i would never force it. and yes, you nosy bastards, i am still seeing the costa rican cutie, but i’m not telling the internet anything (yet).

• write a friggin book! or two or ten. find the time and discipline and just write already. potential without action is worthless. publish or perish, bitch.
  shut up, slut! i’m working on it. sort of. ok, not really. fuck, i need to get on this. thanks for making me hate myself. but i know i’ll hate myself even more if i never really try to make it as a writer. to this end, i have enrolled in writing classes this year, which i’m hoping will force me to finally put the internet away so i can tackle the blank page.

• quit being negative. we’ve gone over this before.
  yes, we have and i’m sooooo much better. all that meditation mumbo jumbo has really turned me into a pollyannish LA asshole. my moods and restlessness are much more manageable now. and on those rare instances when i do feel them running away from me, there’s always cheesecake.

• recognize that everything that’s happened up to this moment, whether good or bad, is not as important as what happens after this moment. remind yourself every day that the past does not have to impact the future.
  yep, yep, yep.

• get better at buying your own bullshit if you expect other people to.
  this is lousy advice that will be removed from this list. there should be no bullshit being bought and sold, because belief in myself should not be based on bullshit. it should be based on self-delusion.

• buy some property. g-d ain’t making any more real estate. and then sell the property. paper equity is not as good as money in the bank.
  hurray for homeownership, though i’m not selling anytime soon.

• dogs. have more.
  as this was written in pre-Pinko days, i’d say i’m on track with this one. and i don’t doubt there will be more dogs in my future.

• all that adult shit that your pops has been telling you about for years — saving for retirement, insuring everything, maintaining good credit — subscribe to it. also, eradicate all student debt by 40.
  adult shit is in really good shape, with special thanks owed to that day jobby in finance i’ve been working at for the past six years. my credit is solid, my retirement is being saved for, and my debts are being eradicated (as long as we don’t count all that new home remodel debt i’m about to accrue).

• prepare for deaths in the family. you aren’t the only one who’s aging.
  ok, but we don’t need to talk about that now.

• don’t bother with people you don’t care for, tasks you don’t need to do and situations you’d rather not be in. you have the freedom to politely excuse yourself from all of them. up until you have that kid, your greatest obligation is to yourself.
  that is some solid, selfish advice. fuck ‘em all and get me a table for one!

my birthday weekend was nothing short of fucking awesome this year. i spent the days leading up to the annual party at the salon getting a haircut, facial and pedi. i did some shopping, met good friends for brunch and then enjoyed a rocking good time at a local bar where i didn’t have to clean up the mess the next day. and on the sunday of my actual birthday, i slept away my hangover, enjoyed a 90-minute afternoon massage and was taken to dinner by my parents. it was picture perfect in every way. photos to come.

The Home-Improvement Chronicles: The Prequel to the Big Day

i’ve come to see that planning a home remodel is akin to unraveling an enigma wrapped in a riddle that’s stuffed in a mystery. every question just begets more questions, with every answer impacting every other answer. i would just rather this whole thing be wrapped in bacon and stuffed in a block of cheese. not only does this scenario sound far more delicious, its heart-clogging properties might help put me out of my misery sooner.

as it stands now, operation: major home remodel is set to begin in early july, which is roughly one month from when it was supposed to start. this is the first of what is sure to be many delays. it’s a damn shame, too, as i was so ready to have this thing begin already, if only so it would end sooner. i have no doubt that construction is going to bring my life to a standstill, dragging my summer down with it, and although i’m excited as hell, i’m also anxious as fuck.

still, i know it’s the right thing to do — in fact, it’s long overdue if you’ve seen my house — and i know that it will be stressful and expensive no matter when it occurs. with this in mind, i’m happy to get it done and out of the way so i can finally start enjoying all of my house for a change.

it’s no exaggeration to say that my heart sinks a little each time i pull into my driveway and see the weathered siding, the two different colors of barf the house is painted, the second bedroom that is covered by stucco instead of wood. then i step inside and forget everything momentarily as i survey the already remodeled interior, with its bamboo floors, freshly painted walls and brand new kitchen.

then i step onto the deck and notice the cracked wood and feel the soft boards under my feet, which again remind me that my dream house is far from dreamy. it was a foreclosure when i bought it three years ago, and it still looks like one today. and while this fact is the one thing that made my house affordable to me, it is also the same thing that makes it the ugliest house on my block.

but soon enough, my house’s outsides will match its insides. soon enough, i’ll be living in my barbie dream house on a hill — a doll’s house of my own creation that i’ve always imagined myself living in. at least this is what i keep reminding myself of every time anxiety over the cost, time and effort this remodel will involve sweeps in to rattle me. hopefully, this simple thought will be enough to drive me through construction, from its start in july to its finish in october (maybe november).

to prepare for the big day, i’ve spent the past two months meeting regularly with my trusty contractor, whose involvement in this project is the one thing that keeps me sleeping comfortably at night. we’ve been sitting down to review plans, finalize details, decide on materials and determine the order of operations. he’s even been kind enough to deal with the city and pull all the permits needed for this job. so far, everything looks good on paper.

speaking of paper, the financing for operation: major home remodel has been secured, thanks to my local credit union, which has blessed me with the low-interest loans i need to make my dreams come true. i imagine you’re wondering how much all this will set me back, to which i say: don’t be so damn nosy.

having made mistakes with this sort of thing before, i refuse to discuss money on principle. (unless, of course, you are a bank or potential employer who wants to write me a check, in which case, let’s talk!) just know that this thing ain’t cheap, and i do plan to get a roommate once the remodel finishes, so i may pay off my debts faster. i also have a few other get rich quick ideas in the works to help make me some cash in a flash (all legal, i assure you). also, i am not accepting unsolicited advice at this time, and probably not at any later time either. thank you for complying.

what i am accepting are your well wishes, good vibrations, happy thoughts and positive energy. please send some my way and stay tuned, because the party is just about to start.

One-Hit Wonders: May 2011

...search terms inexplicably pulling up this blog...

• oh no don't tickle me
• "bionic woman" straitjacket
• dating lovers world-wide "@hotmail.com"
• happy anniversary to me! at my job
• amazing little bitches milla free
• big tiits europa tube galore
• "sophisticated name" raise work boss
• rottweiler paws
• when did george costanza say "entire universe is against me"
• itchy tits nipples are related to std

Product Placement

this will likely be the first of many posts in which i will shill products, places and things that i’m into. or maybe this will be the only post of its kind and i’ll never do it again. i will rely on you, sexy reader, to tell me if this is helpful or a total waste of time (like all my other posts), so please speak up, sexxxy.

but before i begin, i should disclose that i’m getting no compensation whatsoever from the manufacturers and proprietors for promoting their stuff here. ZERO. this is a damn shame, too, because i’m a total whore for hire who has no problem with kickbacks and schwag, but since i’m not known around the internets for having a lot of readers or being a Blogger People Trust, i don’t normally get those kinds of offers.

this means that my promotion of these things is coming from the kindness of my cold, black heart, which believes that these things may make your life infinitely better in the same way that they’ve made mine. and if not, tough titties. not like those suckers paid me to be their spokesperson anyway.

• speaking of titties: if you are a busty gal like me, head over to Jenette’s Bras in Hollywood, my bra purveyor of choice. the bras there are designed for “the overdeveloped and underserved,” specializing in sizes D through K. (yes, K!) their bras are all well-crafted, with straps that never slip and bands that don’t cut into your skin. i have found some killer bras that make my girls look positively perfect at Jenette’s. and no, i won’t post photos.
  
  
• when nair’s not enough: laser hair removal to the rescue! i found a great place in Pasadena, run by twin armenian sisters, where i’ve gone for several treatments of various body parts (won’t post photos of that either), but trust that the change has been life-altering. getting lasered doesn’t hurt that much, so quit being a big baby about the pain, which is akin to snapping a rubberband on your skin repeatedly. just know that it’s ineffective for people with fine hair, so don’t bother going there if you’re blond as this treatment is only for people with dark, coarse, stubborn hair — probably the one time that having it has ever worked to my advantage.
  
  
• my future ex-husband: i mean, my latest music obsession is a rapper known as Childish Gambino, who is also known as Donald Glover, the actor on Community. beyond being ridiculously hot and stylish, he is a talented actor, writer, musician and standup comedian. i have been obsessed with all his work for the past year and had the chance to see his show at the Music Box in Hollywood a few weeks ago, where he blew me away. i’m sure mega fame and fortune will find him shortly, so i wanted to score cool points by saying that i was listening to his music way before he got as big as Kanye. (and if you’re reading this, Donald, call me!)
  
  
• mmm... barbecue: i recently attended a media event at Wildwood Ovens, a local spot that sells wood-fired ovens and brazilian bbqs to the public in addition to offering cooking classes and hosting private events. i was invited by the lovely food blogger Tuna Toast, a fellow NELA resident who was serving up drool-worthy churrasco and homemade pizza (in addition to wine). considering that the food and booze were free, this may be the only endorsement i have been “paid” to write, but the truth is that i really loved this place and am even thinking of hosting my annual birthday here. you should check it out.
  
  
• self-promotion: i just added a followers widget to the sidebar at the right. please push the button to add me to your blogger feed and validate my existence. and if you need any freelance work that involves the writing, editing or proofreading of words, i’m still hustling like a whore in church (or, alternatively, like a girl who has impending home repairs), so send some my way, pretty please with a churrasco on top. thanks for playing!

First-World Problems

all the socializing i’ve been engaging in lately has made it hard to find time to blog. i know that you’re rooting for me in this not-at-all-difficult time and i thank you for your prayers and continued support as i carry on with my hectic schedule of dinners, parties, concerts, art openings, group hikes and meetups at bars.

regular blogging will probably resume never as i know roughly 10 people who were born in june (myself included) and will likely host more events i need to attend to commemorate their day of birth (myself also included).

so sorry, bloggy, for neglecting you. i’ve been thinking about you a lot and fully intend to finish those few entires you have been storing for me in draft form, some of which have been sitting dusty on your shelf for months.

i also want to take this opportunity to wish you a very happy birthday. you turned 7 years old yesterday, a lucky number that will hopefully translate into a very lucky year for your mama, who is turning 35 years old next month. may we both be guided from above as we navigate through our next year of life, which is sure to be full of suspense and intrigue (a.k.a. bills and alarm clocks).

speaking of bills, i need to hunt down some freelance work to pay for the major home remodel that is scheduled to start next month — as well as the endless socializing that is scheduled to continue into next month. so if you or anyone you know is in need of a stellar writer, editor, proofreader, fact-checker or QA tester, hit me up, yo. (references furnished upon request.)

and if anyone knows how to add more hours to the day so i may have enough time to work, socialize, blog and sleep, please make that happen. gotta run for now. kthxbye!

Homeownershit

that’s not a typo. it’s been pretty shitty lately. i had a hell of a time renewing my homeowner’s insurance policy this year. the problem: my deck. an adjuster who came out for a completely unrelated issue about 9 months ago decided she didn’t like it and said my policy shouldn’t be renewed because of it.

of course i only found this out when the policy was up for renewal a few months ago. after much scrambling and sending photos and phone calls and pleading, my original insurer dropped me and i had to find coverage elsewhere, which i managed to do (barely). the problem: the new coverage sucks hairy donkey balls despite costing the same as gilded donkey balls. plus, it doesn’t even cover my deck.

admittedly, my deck does suck. it’s old and rickety and ugly. it’s endured years of damage by water, termites and dry rot. but thanks to gravity, it’s still upright and fairly secure (though i wouldn’t invite 20 people to stand on it at once). my intention was always to replace it... eventually. the issue with replacing it is that the deck is attached to the house by a ledger, which is attached to the house’s siding, which also needs to be replaced. see where i’m going with this?

in order to replace my deck, i have to replace my house’s siding, which means a total exterior remodel. and that means a hell of a lot of money. i know i could probably do it for cheap if i went with stucco over wood siding, and i know i could probably cut a bunch of corners to shave off additional costs, but i refuse to skimp on my home, so spare me the unsolicited advice.

after seeing what cheapness does to a house — courtesy of my home’s former owners who used masking tape to glue broken mirrors together — i have come to recognize that people, indeed, get what they pay for. this doesn’t mean i’ll be importing italian marble or crystal chandeliers for this remodel (which are tacky anyway), but it does mean that i’ll be going with the highly durable and weather-resistant redwood over a cheaper wood for the deck.

luckily, i already have design plans in place for the house, courtesy of my architect ex Mo, who completed them before he was my ex. the plans are perfect and will do much to restore my little 1920s bungalow to its craftsman glory. i’m actually quite excited to see them executed despite also being scared shitless about how a months-long full exterior remodel is going to impact my life. i imagine it will put all that LA-asshole-zen shit i’ve been spewing lately to the test. serenity now, bitches.

the bright side is that i love my very reasonable, responsible and ethical contractor, Platon Markarian — call him for all your remodeling needs (but only after he’s finished with my house at the end of the summer) cell: 818.279.3118. this is the same contractor who did all the interior work on my house before i moved in; he also just finished building my neighbor’s new deck. he gets the vision for the house and is not a corner-cutter, always producing high-quality work, so i trust him without reservation.

but before Platon can hammer one nail into my house, i first have to take down my old deck, which will be done via a deck demolition party, where i will give my friends baseball bats, crowbars and permission to go to town on the most expensive investment i’ve ever made. afterwards, i will hammer them with beer.

but before i can even do that, i need to find a bag of money, preferably one with an endless bottom. and because those seedlings for the money tree i ordered off that cracker jack box never sprouted, i have to rely on banks and credit unions to help me out. thus, i’m kicking off my Begging for Money tour across the southland, effective immediately, which will find me cozying up to various bank tellers while trying to slip my hand in the cash drawer. wish me luck.

One-Hit Wonders: April 2011

...search terms inexplicably pulling up this blog...

• down shirt tittys tubes galore
• millatimes breakup boyfriend
• tbn:and9gcrqcn1takofiasc5_kpsbrz4mptqruhhflbet1pyinlnrb2xqekord_z70:farm4.static.flickr.com/3030/2805158170_9d8d3cb5e6.jpg
• famous art pieces
• "lasagna falafel" -beef
• wilted greens + milla = hate
• before my kidneys shut down, my sweat would crystallize on my skin
• soviet hat newseum
• milla gorbachev
• why are catholics called finnions