one full week of new job has passed and i feel totally exhausted. i don't know how people work 40 hours each week. it's not like i've never had a full-time job before, but it's been almost three years. and now i'm sitting here with the sunday blues, going into the week in anticipation of the weekend.
don't get me wrong. week one at work was very good. i'm just adjusting to this new, structured reality where the alarm goes off at an ungodly 6:15 am, i'm out the door by 7:30am, at my desk by 8am, lunch at noon, then out the office door by 5pm to join the bottleneck of traffic making its way out of downtown los angeles. rat race, i have arrived. a few people have called me this week asking whether i "love" my new job. i mean, who really "loves" their job? unless you're a rock star, work is work.
i do, however, like my new job, and mainly because the people there are so geniunely nice. the environment is positive, upbeat, cooperative. i like my job because my coworkers like their jobs. and given that i'm working for a huge corporation with offices worldwide and thousands of employees, this is amazing. there's much to be said for corporate culture. i also love working downtown. there's something so sexy about it. it's urban and full of energy. i can walk to lunch, which, in los angeles, is hard to come by. i like wearing power suits and heels. if i had my way, my closet would hold nothing but prada. oh no, have i already become a corporate whore? a corporate bore?
it's not that i haven't had a few moments where i'd wish i could sleep in instead and work in my pajamas all day. i guess i'm relishing the newness of it all -- especially the security! no more student scrounging. no more buying the discounted bruised fruit. i can exhale knowing that a paycheck is coming and that i don't have to chase it around the accounting department after they've lost my invoice again. it's a peace i haven't known in ages.
on the flipside, i'm tired all the time. i had no energy for going out this weekend. i'm a grannie now, asleep on my couch by 11pm with the TV still on, remote control slipping out of my hand as drool trickles onto the pillow. i also seem to be eating nonstop lately and can sense the onset of office ass, a condition akin to the freshman 15. and until today, i was quite behind on household chores and responding to phone calls and emails. working takes so much out of you. i know, i know, welcome to the real world. i've heard that all week. i'm sure it'll sort itself out. in the meantime, i'm going to have a glass of wine and ride out the remainder of my sunday night.
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Sunday, March 13, 2005
The First Day of the Rest of Your Life
i guess any day can be considered such. but there is something special about the first day of a new job. it does signify the rest of your life, the start of your career, the beginning of opportunity. that's what tomorrow, monday the 14th, will bring for me -- or at least that's the hope. i've spent the past few weeks preparing for tomorrow and i'm really looking forward to it. that's not to say i didn't have my little freak-out when i was walking around the grove shopping center at noon on a wednesday in the sunshine, wondering why the hell i would give up my flexible freelance lifestyle to enter a predictable office space existence. i feared i could never work my new hours of 8am-5pm five days a week. i worried i could never accept authority or take direction after spending the past three years as my own boss. what did i get myself into?
luckily (and surprisingly), this freak-out was short lived, with those fleeting emotions soon replaced by joy at the thought of predictability, stability, and a signing bonus that will serve as the down payment for a new car i so desperately need. my old car has proved itself to be a fickle fucker in the past few weeks and has sometimes decided to simply not start. i must sit there flipping the bitch switch for about 15 minutes until it deigns me worthy of driving it again. and i will pour no more money into having the mechanics seek out the electrical problem they could never find before. so yes, a new car on the horizon. i'm thinking a Toyota Rav4. that car seems very me. it's big enough to throw juice in the back, gets pretty good mileage for a mini-SUV, and them toyotas have great resale value. anyone know a dealer who can get me a great deal?
so these past few weeks preparing for the first day of the rest of my life have been spent making peace with my old life. i was slowed by a nasty flu that kept me bed-ridden for nearly a week, all feverish and achy. i spent a couple days in big bear frolicking in the snow. i engaged in some retail therapy, buying four pairs of shoes and numerous other pieces for my new professional wardrobe. i watched a lot of reality television and cooked many a meal at home. i got my taxes done and secured a nice return equal to one month's rent. with my landlord, i worked on my backyard and deposited some grass seed that will hopefully spring up in the spring. i did yoga and slept late. the only thing i didn't get to do was take that trip to new york. that has been rescheduled for memorial day weekend in may.
anywho, it was a nice way to go out, leaving me very refreshed and ready for tomorrow. there's also been a boy element going on, and i guess that update is overdue. it's nothing life altering, but there's been movement in that arena -- and initially, too much movement. seems like i went on one little date and was suddenly ushered into dude dramaland. there was some craziness where new guy's psycho ex called me up and talked some shit. then i ran into a psycho ex of my own, who got me so peeved that i threw a drink in his face. then yogaman got weird on me. then i got random emails from old flames looking to reconnect. it was nonstop guy dilemmas and it was a little overwhelming.
thankfully, all has returned to baseline; everything's in its rightful place. at this point, i'm still very single. i am dating -- and not exclusively. and anyone who's dating me knows this because 1) they read my blog, and 2) i'm all about the honesty. and what could be more appealing, really? "commitment-phobic good-time gal seeks similar for fun in the sun." how cool is that? i'm a guy's wet dream.
so the nunnery is no more, though i can still poke on through when i want to be entirely on my own, which is often. i have my cake and i'm eating it (which is the dumbest expression ever, because what else would you do with cake besides eat it?) i still feel relatively detached, footloose and fancy-free, and on the whole all is well. let's hope it maintains.
luckily (and surprisingly), this freak-out was short lived, with those fleeting emotions soon replaced by joy at the thought of predictability, stability, and a signing bonus that will serve as the down payment for a new car i so desperately need. my old car has proved itself to be a fickle fucker in the past few weeks and has sometimes decided to simply not start. i must sit there flipping the bitch switch for about 15 minutes until it deigns me worthy of driving it again. and i will pour no more money into having the mechanics seek out the electrical problem they could never find before. so yes, a new car on the horizon. i'm thinking a Toyota Rav4. that car seems very me. it's big enough to throw juice in the back, gets pretty good mileage for a mini-SUV, and them toyotas have great resale value. anyone know a dealer who can get me a great deal?
so these past few weeks preparing for the first day of the rest of my life have been spent making peace with my old life. i was slowed by a nasty flu that kept me bed-ridden for nearly a week, all feverish and achy. i spent a couple days in big bear frolicking in the snow. i engaged in some retail therapy, buying four pairs of shoes and numerous other pieces for my new professional wardrobe. i watched a lot of reality television and cooked many a meal at home. i got my taxes done and secured a nice return equal to one month's rent. with my landlord, i worked on my backyard and deposited some grass seed that will hopefully spring up in the spring. i did yoga and slept late. the only thing i didn't get to do was take that trip to new york. that has been rescheduled for memorial day weekend in may.
anywho, it was a nice way to go out, leaving me very refreshed and ready for tomorrow. there's also been a boy element going on, and i guess that update is overdue. it's nothing life altering, but there's been movement in that arena -- and initially, too much movement. seems like i went on one little date and was suddenly ushered into dude dramaland. there was some craziness where new guy's psycho ex called me up and talked some shit. then i ran into a psycho ex of my own, who got me so peeved that i threw a drink in his face. then yogaman got weird on me. then i got random emails from old flames looking to reconnect. it was nonstop guy dilemmas and it was a little overwhelming.
thankfully, all has returned to baseline; everything's in its rightful place. at this point, i'm still very single. i am dating -- and not exclusively. and anyone who's dating me knows this because 1) they read my blog, and 2) i'm all about the honesty. and what could be more appealing, really? "commitment-phobic good-time gal seeks similar for fun in the sun." how cool is that? i'm a guy's wet dream.
so the nunnery is no more, though i can still poke on through when i want to be entirely on my own, which is often. i have my cake and i'm eating it (which is the dumbest expression ever, because what else would you do with cake besides eat it?) i still feel relatively detached, footloose and fancy-free, and on the whole all is well. let's hope it maintains.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Sing Blue Silver
wow, wow, wow. i saw the incredible duran duran in concert at the staples center on saturday night. wow, wow, wow. i screamed like a 14-year-old girl. i screamed so loud my stomach muscles hurt the next day.
it was the original lineup that included the three unrelated Taylors. it was their reunion tour used to promote their new album Astronaut (which isn't too shabby). they looked so hot, despite having the fortysomething faces of men who've partied like the rock stars they are. simon lebon is still the swaggering frontman, and he still had it -- so had it. cutie pie roger taylor, the shy one, hid behind his drum set looking all boyish and beautiful. nick rhodes is still the most stylish muthafucka ever. and, of course, my future ex-husband john taylor diddled the bass like the pro he is. i was swooning. i really was.
staples was sold out and the crowd stayed largely on its feet, leaving only after the final notes of "rio" were belted out. the band played most of its old hits and a few songs off their new album. just stunning on every level. a huge video screen behind the band played clips of old videos like "the chaffeur" and "girls on film" -- shit i hadn't seen in ages, but that reminded me what true artists those guys were. they had some serious vision, despite be panned as new wave fluff of the '80s. and i'm not just saying that because john taylor is gorgeous. duran duran is a damn fine band.
in high school i was a diehard duranie, my bedroom walls plastered with the faces of "the fab five." the concert was like entering a time machine, and i'm sure my fellow concertgoers had the same experience. hearing those songs took me back to a past life that's rarely revisited, reminding me of a certain year, hairstyle, moment, outfit. today, those memories seem kinda laughable, though wholly heartwarming.
cheers to D squared!
it was the original lineup that included the three unrelated Taylors. it was their reunion tour used to promote their new album Astronaut (which isn't too shabby). they looked so hot, despite having the fortysomething faces of men who've partied like the rock stars they are. simon lebon is still the swaggering frontman, and he still had it -- so had it. cutie pie roger taylor, the shy one, hid behind his drum set looking all boyish and beautiful. nick rhodes is still the most stylish muthafucka ever. and, of course, my future ex-husband john taylor diddled the bass like the pro he is. i was swooning. i really was.
staples was sold out and the crowd stayed largely on its feet, leaving only after the final notes of "rio" were belted out. the band played most of its old hits and a few songs off their new album. just stunning on every level. a huge video screen behind the band played clips of old videos like "the chaffeur" and "girls on film" -- shit i hadn't seen in ages, but that reminded me what true artists those guys were. they had some serious vision, despite be panned as new wave fluff of the '80s. and i'm not just saying that because john taylor is gorgeous. duran duran is a damn fine band.
in high school i was a diehard duranie, my bedroom walls plastered with the faces of "the fab five." the concert was like entering a time machine, and i'm sure my fellow concertgoers had the same experience. hearing those songs took me back to a past life that's rarely revisited, reminding me of a certain year, hairstyle, moment, outfit. today, those memories seem kinda laughable, though wholly heartwarming.
cheers to D squared!
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Congratulate Me
i gots a new job, like a real full-time, permanent position. my sexy freelance lifestyle will soon end, and i will join the ranks of other corporate schlubs who work in downtown Los Angeles high-rises not meant to exist in earthquake-landia. but what can i say -- they made me an offer i couldn't refuse. i interviewed there three times with a whooping 9 people for a total of 12 hours under the microscope. i also took a bunch of tests. i would come home exhausted after these interviews, especially since they usually began at 8 am, an hour this freelancer hadn't seen in many months. and it took a couple months to even get here, with all the checking references, faxing over transcripts and evaluating everything. i'm just happy to be done with the process. corporate whoredom officially begins march 14.
oh, yes. what is the job about, you ask? good question. well, i don't want to say the name of the company here, so if you're deathly curious, email me and i'll tell you. let's just say it's in the financial sector (i know, it's so me) doing editing (which is so me). it's mostly web work. i've been very impressed with the company and its employees, truly. everyone i've spoken with has been so genuinely nice that it feels like twilight zone over there, despite it being a corporate place with business attire and finance on the brain. and i can keep the stud in my nose intact. (though it's so '90s, perhaps i should finally take it out?)
anyhow, after so many interviews at new company and at other companies for jobs i didn't get/take, i've learned quite a bit about the finer points of the crazy interviewing process, and this information is just too valuable to sit on so i wanted to share with y'all:
-- look as asexual as possible, especially if you're a woman. this meant turtlenecks and oversized blazers for me. i also put my hair up and wore neutral makeup. slightly tight sweaters that highlight jiggling tits are bad. they will make the women hate you and the men not listen to anything you have to say.
-- use fancy terms like "career trajectory" and "job mastery." use them repeatedly with each new person who interviews you.
-- when they ask you if you have any questions, always ask the interviewer about his or her own background and experience with employment and with the company. they eat it up. people just love talking about themselves, so keep it going by asking follow-up questions about their lives. watch your stock rise.
-- mention you have a dog. mention it to each new person you interview with. i once took a screenwriting class where the professor said that a trick to making a character more likable was to give him a dog. most people love dogs and want to have one themselves but can't because their place is too small/they're never home/don't have a yard/yadda yadda. discuss it with them, and then mention that your dog's name is juice. people love the name.
-- when asked about where you see yourself in five years, say that you're very ambitious but open to how that's going to play out in the future. that shows employers how flexible you are, and how you're there to fill the needs of the company instead of your own needs. adapt = adept.
-- practice your firm handshake with friends; and consult the mirror for perfecting these common interview faces: the captivating look, the nod of approval, the puzzled-ready-to-ask-you-a-question face, the pleased-with-your-answer face, the smile that accompanies your firm handshake, the nice-to-meet-you smile, and the smile and little wave you give before you leave someone's office.
-- don't ever yawn during an interview, even though it's 8 in the morning and you drank too much wine the night before just to be able to fall asleep at 10 pm, but still couldn't fall asleep at 10 pm because that's way too early for you to be sleeping, so you tossed around in bed for hours before finally falling asleep at 1 am only to get up at 6 am so you could begin pumping yourself full of coffee that's made you kinda jittery and has upset your stomach because there's too much wine in there left over from the night before. also, don't put your hands in your mouth, nose or pants during an interview.
-- this last one is really tricky and very situation-specific: don't seem too smart, nor too dumb. how to play this one depends largely on the interviewer, so one must feel out the vibe first. i hate to admit it, but it also depends on gender. more men than women have hired me in my career, and that's not because there are more men in management. it's about perceived threat, and this, sadly, is where my ladies fail me. i love strong women, but not all other strong women do, so i've learned to tone it down a bit during interviews with women and seem more like a faithful disciple than a worthy competitor. with men, it's the opposite -- i bring it up to keep the focus on the brain, not on the breasts, which is why oversized blazers are essential. and anything that could be misconstrued as flirting (with men or women) is absolutely verboten.
look at all these pearls i'm giving you. i should write a column. oh wait, this is my column and, at this point, my only creative outlet. i'll keep that in mind as i slave away downtown crunching numbers (i hate that term) and editing the praises of various mutual funds.
but no, really, i'm pleased with this new turn. i'm craving the stability this will bring. i'm looking forward to getting to know my co-workers and learning about a new industry. i need those medical, dental and vision benefits and those steady paychecks. i'm more ready now than i was a year ago for something so permanent, and i'm glad i waited for the right time and the right opportunity. this news is very terrific. it's more than a job; it's the start of my career, and i'm ready to kick ass.
oh, yes. what is the job about, you ask? good question. well, i don't want to say the name of the company here, so if you're deathly curious, email me and i'll tell you. let's just say it's in the financial sector (i know, it's so me) doing editing (which is so me). it's mostly web work. i've been very impressed with the company and its employees, truly. everyone i've spoken with has been so genuinely nice that it feels like twilight zone over there, despite it being a corporate place with business attire and finance on the brain. and i can keep the stud in my nose intact. (though it's so '90s, perhaps i should finally take it out?)
anyhow, after so many interviews at new company and at other companies for jobs i didn't get/take, i've learned quite a bit about the finer points of the crazy interviewing process, and this information is just too valuable to sit on so i wanted to share with y'all:
-- look as asexual as possible, especially if you're a woman. this meant turtlenecks and oversized blazers for me. i also put my hair up and wore neutral makeup. slightly tight sweaters that highlight jiggling tits are bad. they will make the women hate you and the men not listen to anything you have to say.
-- use fancy terms like "career trajectory" and "job mastery." use them repeatedly with each new person who interviews you.
-- when they ask you if you have any questions, always ask the interviewer about his or her own background and experience with employment and with the company. they eat it up. people just love talking about themselves, so keep it going by asking follow-up questions about their lives. watch your stock rise.
-- mention you have a dog. mention it to each new person you interview with. i once took a screenwriting class where the professor said that a trick to making a character more likable was to give him a dog. most people love dogs and want to have one themselves but can't because their place is too small/they're never home/don't have a yard/yadda yadda. discuss it with them, and then mention that your dog's name is juice. people love the name.
-- when asked about where you see yourself in five years, say that you're very ambitious but open to how that's going to play out in the future. that shows employers how flexible you are, and how you're there to fill the needs of the company instead of your own needs. adapt = adept.
-- practice your firm handshake with friends; and consult the mirror for perfecting these common interview faces: the captivating look, the nod of approval, the puzzled-ready-to-ask-you-a-question face, the pleased-with-your-answer face, the smile that accompanies your firm handshake, the nice-to-meet-you smile, and the smile and little wave you give before you leave someone's office.
-- don't ever yawn during an interview, even though it's 8 in the morning and you drank too much wine the night before just to be able to fall asleep at 10 pm, but still couldn't fall asleep at 10 pm because that's way too early for you to be sleeping, so you tossed around in bed for hours before finally falling asleep at 1 am only to get up at 6 am so you could begin pumping yourself full of coffee that's made you kinda jittery and has upset your stomach because there's too much wine in there left over from the night before. also, don't put your hands in your mouth, nose or pants during an interview.
-- this last one is really tricky and very situation-specific: don't seem too smart, nor too dumb. how to play this one depends largely on the interviewer, so one must feel out the vibe first. i hate to admit it, but it also depends on gender. more men than women have hired me in my career, and that's not because there are more men in management. it's about perceived threat, and this, sadly, is where my ladies fail me. i love strong women, but not all other strong women do, so i've learned to tone it down a bit during interviews with women and seem more like a faithful disciple than a worthy competitor. with men, it's the opposite -- i bring it up to keep the focus on the brain, not on the breasts, which is why oversized blazers are essential. and anything that could be misconstrued as flirting (with men or women) is absolutely verboten.
look at all these pearls i'm giving you. i should write a column. oh wait, this is my column and, at this point, my only creative outlet. i'll keep that in mind as i slave away downtown crunching numbers (i hate that term) and editing the praises of various mutual funds.
but no, really, i'm pleased with this new turn. i'm craving the stability this will bring. i'm looking forward to getting to know my co-workers and learning about a new industry. i need those medical, dental and vision benefits and those steady paychecks. i'm more ready now than i was a year ago for something so permanent, and i'm glad i waited for the right time and the right opportunity. this news is very terrific. it's more than a job; it's the start of my career, and i'm ready to kick ass.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
There Goes the Nunnery
i had a date the other night. so i escaped the nunnery to go join the circus. nothing like a good jailbreak to keep things interesting. but i know that this blog can get relatively boring without the boy element, and i must take care of my public, so i'm really taking one for the team and doing it for you guys, my beloved readers. otherwise, i really didn't want to go on a date; i was happy with the new single me and didn't feel compelled to embark on any new adventures with headaches, heartaches, heartthrobs and hellraisers. but men are like my mafia -- whenever i think i'm out, they pull me back in.
i alternate between hating and loving them. i don't trust them for shit, have no faith in them, but find them undeniably irresistable. i hate that they get all the breaks, make more money than us and don't have to endure menstruation once a month. i can't stand their egos, sense of entitlement and how they strut around, thinking they own everything they touch. they're like peacocks (pun intended) that chase potential mates around flashing their brilliant feathers for some attention before moving on to the next one. am i jealous? maybe. perhaps i have penis envy. it's been said before. it's also been said that i might be a man trapped in a woman's body -- and a gay man at that. maybe that frustrates me -- having this man's mind in my head while stuck with all the limitations inherent in being a woman, including their drippy, messy hearts.
i've never been good at reconciling the two, because despite knowing better, they still suck me in. they can be so damn sexy. especially when they have strong, purposeful walks and gravelly voices. i dig that commanding presence and disarming charm. their smells, those long arms, broad shoulders and, of course, soccer thighs. i like them strong and manly, yet evolved, and infused with gentility. they can really drive me bananas. maybe it's an addiction for which i should seek help.
certainly, a smart woman can get anything she wants out of a man by using her womanhood, but a smart man can do the same. we've all been at the mercy of love, lust and infatuation before. nature isn't an idiot, and the differences between the sexes should be celebrated. and as much as i complain/exclaim about men and all their assorted, sordid proclivities, i know that i couldn't sustain my life without them.
but yes, the date. a date!! it seems like forever since i went on one. yogaman only took me to sharkeys twice before moving in and the others before him were all internet dudes, so it was nice to do it the conventional way: i met a nice guy one night at a party, gave him my phone number, he calls to ask me out, picks me up at my house, takes me to dinner and then drops me off. it felt so 'happy days.' and i was all girlie, like "what do i wear? should i leave my hair down or put it up?"
the date: thumbers-uppers, way uppers. it was very pleasant, comfortable, enjoyable. good vibes the whole night through. we began the night at a karoake bar in the valley, which seemed an unlikely choice, but it turned out quite fun. some of the singers had some major pipes on them, and the food was terrific. we had some wine, and did the getting-to-know-you chitchat. then we proceeded to the standard in downtown LA for more drinks with a few friends, one of whom was the mutual friend we met through. (thanks, juancho.) then he took me home, and we said goodnight and goodbye.
the guy: i don't get opposites attracting; my opposite would repel me so far across the room. i'm a narcissist when it comes to dating, so it's a good thing he and i were so similar. we had mucho in common, which made the conversation effortless. he's a creative cool-kid type who's well-read, worldly and stylish -- just like me! he's got a great smile, and his dark slacks outlined what may very well be soccer thighs, though i'm not positive (and yes, that's the only reason i was looking there). but the best part is that he's some five-star chef with a degree in culinary arts and a propensity for cooking for others.
the girl: i did feel girlie and it felt good. i think being single, working from home and skipping showers inhibited my femininity in recent weeks, so this provided a great reason to start using moisterizer again. and i genuinely like the guy, though i'm not entirely swept away or head-up-my-ass smitten. i am nothing if not cautious about whom i give my affection to. i am intruiged, however, as i like it when men comment on my "cute dimples" instead of my large breasts.
so yes, twas a pleasant first date, but it was only that, though i believe there's a great likelihood i'll see him again. and if i never see him again, it's just good to know that i can have a terrific first date and feel like a girl.
i alternate between hating and loving them. i don't trust them for shit, have no faith in them, but find them undeniably irresistable. i hate that they get all the breaks, make more money than us and don't have to endure menstruation once a month. i can't stand their egos, sense of entitlement and how they strut around, thinking they own everything they touch. they're like peacocks (pun intended) that chase potential mates around flashing their brilliant feathers for some attention before moving on to the next one. am i jealous? maybe. perhaps i have penis envy. it's been said before. it's also been said that i might be a man trapped in a woman's body -- and a gay man at that. maybe that frustrates me -- having this man's mind in my head while stuck with all the limitations inherent in being a woman, including their drippy, messy hearts.
i've never been good at reconciling the two, because despite knowing better, they still suck me in. they can be so damn sexy. especially when they have strong, purposeful walks and gravelly voices. i dig that commanding presence and disarming charm. their smells, those long arms, broad shoulders and, of course, soccer thighs. i like them strong and manly, yet evolved, and infused with gentility. they can really drive me bananas. maybe it's an addiction for which i should seek help.
certainly, a smart woman can get anything she wants out of a man by using her womanhood, but a smart man can do the same. we've all been at the mercy of love, lust and infatuation before. nature isn't an idiot, and the differences between the sexes should be celebrated. and as much as i complain/exclaim about men and all their assorted, sordid proclivities, i know that i couldn't sustain my life without them.
but yes, the date. a date!! it seems like forever since i went on one. yogaman only took me to sharkeys twice before moving in and the others before him were all internet dudes, so it was nice to do it the conventional way: i met a nice guy one night at a party, gave him my phone number, he calls to ask me out, picks me up at my house, takes me to dinner and then drops me off. it felt so 'happy days.' and i was all girlie, like "what do i wear? should i leave my hair down or put it up?"
the date: thumbers-uppers, way uppers. it was very pleasant, comfortable, enjoyable. good vibes the whole night through. we began the night at a karoake bar in the valley, which seemed an unlikely choice, but it turned out quite fun. some of the singers had some major pipes on them, and the food was terrific. we had some wine, and did the getting-to-know-you chitchat. then we proceeded to the standard in downtown LA for more drinks with a few friends, one of whom was the mutual friend we met through. (thanks, juancho.) then he took me home, and we said goodnight and goodbye.
the guy: i don't get opposites attracting; my opposite would repel me so far across the room. i'm a narcissist when it comes to dating, so it's a good thing he and i were so similar. we had mucho in common, which made the conversation effortless. he's a creative cool-kid type who's well-read, worldly and stylish -- just like me! he's got a great smile, and his dark slacks outlined what may very well be soccer thighs, though i'm not positive (and yes, that's the only reason i was looking there). but the best part is that he's some five-star chef with a degree in culinary arts and a propensity for cooking for others.
the girl: i did feel girlie and it felt good. i think being single, working from home and skipping showers inhibited my femininity in recent weeks, so this provided a great reason to start using moisterizer again. and i genuinely like the guy, though i'm not entirely swept away or head-up-my-ass smitten. i am nothing if not cautious about whom i give my affection to. i am intruiged, however, as i like it when men comment on my "cute dimples" instead of my large breasts.
so yes, twas a pleasant first date, but it was only that, though i believe there's a great likelihood i'll see him again. and if i never see him again, it's just good to know that i can have a terrific first date and feel like a girl.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Stuff and Things
i've been hibernating mostly since the year began. trying to step back and take inventory of things; trying to form a vision of what i want my 2005 to look like. still a little murky. plus, i went on a mini-cleanse where i didn't eat meat or drink alcohol for the first two weeks of january, so i wasn't as much fun to be around. but now that i'm back to being a carnivorous alcoholic, i'm ready to paint the town.
there was other stuff going on. i hit a few gnarly speedbumps that doused all the cocksure confidence i had going into this year. i didn't get a job i really wanted. and i had another setback that i won't go into here. there was some anguish. but i bounce back, and the year is still young. otherwise, i've still been working from home mucho, had some 12-hour workdays that felt oddly fantastic. there's still that isolation weirdness going on when i'm home working, where i don't talk to anyone but the dog. some days i decide to just not shower or change out of my jammies.
but stranger than that is the auditory show one of my neighbors has been unknowingly putting on for me. i think it's a couple, though i'm not sure of their genders. one is definitely a guy, and i think he might be a drug dealer or a junkie or maybe a rock star, because he seems to be home all day making noise. they argue non-stop, crescendo-ing in "get the fuck away from me!!" sometimes it's over housework, a la "look what a dirty fucking mess you made!!!" then there's the wretching, which is what makes me suspect he's a junkie. he seems to be vomiting all day -- guts-twisted-stomach-turned-inside-out type vomiting. i get queasy just hearing it. and when there's no arguing or vomiting, there's definitely masturbating. and he takes FOREVER to climax (also a junkie quality, no?). so while i'm sitting there trying to edit children's textbooks like the good nun i am, i get a delightful blend of hurling, horny and swear-landen sounds to fill up my home office (aka living room).
but on to the good news in brief:
there was other stuff going on. i hit a few gnarly speedbumps that doused all the cocksure confidence i had going into this year. i didn't get a job i really wanted. and i had another setback that i won't go into here. there was some anguish. but i bounce back, and the year is still young. otherwise, i've still been working from home mucho, had some 12-hour workdays that felt oddly fantastic. there's still that isolation weirdness going on when i'm home working, where i don't talk to anyone but the dog. some days i decide to just not shower or change out of my jammies.
but stranger than that is the auditory show one of my neighbors has been unknowingly putting on for me. i think it's a couple, though i'm not sure of their genders. one is definitely a guy, and i think he might be a drug dealer or a junkie or maybe a rock star, because he seems to be home all day making noise. they argue non-stop, crescendo-ing in "get the fuck away from me!!" sometimes it's over housework, a la "look what a dirty fucking mess you made!!!" then there's the wretching, which is what makes me suspect he's a junkie. he seems to be vomiting all day -- guts-twisted-stomach-turned-inside-out type vomiting. i get queasy just hearing it. and when there's no arguing or vomiting, there's definitely masturbating. and he takes FOREVER to climax (also a junkie quality, no?). so while i'm sitting there trying to edit children's textbooks like the good nun i am, i get a delightful blend of hurling, horny and swear-landen sounds to fill up my home office (aka living room).
but on to the good news in brief:
- i saw the wonderful lhasa in concert at the conga room. she's a world artist who plays the most hauntingly beautiful gypsy music. she had me hypnotized all night, voodoo style. she looked damn sexy, too.
- i also saw the wonderful k8 the gr8, who was visiting from portland for the weekend. i hadn't seen the girl since we worked together in san francisco almost five years ago. twas quite pleasant.
- i finally received my FREE iPod in the mail this week. free, as in a $300 new 20 gig iPod for FREE. well, i guess it cost about 6 bucks shipping and handling for some beauty product i ordered but never used. "thanks" to the five people who signed up on my behalf, and "up yours" to the naysayers who said it would never happen. you can have one too. this offer is totally legit, but you gotta play by their rules: www.freeipods.com.
- the jasmine bush outside my front door is starting to bloom. it's gotten me all kinds of giddy, retarded style. jasmine is one of my most favorite smells, right up there with home cooking and sweet pheromones borne of intense chemistry. those smells flood the pleasure center of my brain, making me so dizzy i need to sit down. so whenever i walk outside lately, i just stop and inhale for a few seconds. LA air has never smelled better. downside is the bush blooms only once a year, but it should last for a few months. let me know if you want to come sit on my porch and breathe with me.
Friday, January 07, 2005
It's Raining Work, Hallelujah!
every day this week, i've gotten phone calls about some sort of employment opportunity. it's been amazing and completely unprecendented, unexpected and a bit surreal. most of the calls have been from the temp agency i recently signed up with. those fuckers have been hard at work for me, and i must give them mad props. at least four different recruiters have called me offering various opportunities. i've tried to say 'yes' to almost everything because i'm so cash hungry and eager to work, work, work. that's the big resolution of the year -- to work, work, work. whereas 2004 was a year of rest and recovery following two treacherous years of graduate school and hellish heartache, 2005 will be all about the mighty dollar and me as the mighty mouse. (sorry, that was dorky.)
so yes, the new temp agency rocks, making me abandon my old temp agency altogether. i also received a phone call from a place i interviewed with months ago -- they never hired me, citing something about budgets or timing or whatever -- that offered me about five days worth of freelance work in the coming weeks, which i quickly snatched up. i went in yesterday for a full day, have three days lined up for next week and then one more the following week. and THEN, i got a call for a job i applied to weeks ago and forgot about. when the guy called me for an interview, i figured he was yet another recruiter from the agency and we began some weird dialogue that ended in confusion on both our parts. after i figured it out and apologized profusively, we set up an interview, and i interviewed. we'll see how that goes. and to top it off, i'm still working for my mistress zee, mostly from home, and that should continue for about another month. i see some 12-hour workdays in my future, but you know what, a 12-hour workday would do me good right about now.
let's hope this deluge of opportunities maintains, because i need to do some serious making up for the past few months of inactivity. the new year should also be the year of new stuffs, like new couches and possibly a new car, perhaps a new dog, a vacation to somewhere i've never been before. i've made a wish list that only keeps lengthening.
and this LA rain rocks, especially when you can work from home, as i have been doing. it's so toasty in my pad. i'm in my warm sweats and slippers, making homemade meals daily, taking all the breaks i want while still getting my work done. only problem is that it can get quiet and rather lonely. i'll traverse through my day all self-contained and isolated, barely uttering a word to anyone but juice. then the phone will ring in the evening and maybe it's a friend or my parents and suddenly, i'm either chewing their ear off or have forgotten how to form words altogether. i motormouth or bumble, depending on my caffiene intake.
so while working from home has its benefits, i find myself yearning for the office, at least a day or two a week. that would be my ideal situation because i am a social animal. yet i know that too many days in an office space would shrivel my soul into a little unhappy raisin. something about that flourescent lighting, that drone of computers, those same complacent faces day in and out -- ugh. i poopoo on that conformity. (though i fear i shall succumb one day.)
so yes, the new temp agency rocks, making me abandon my old temp agency altogether. i also received a phone call from a place i interviewed with months ago -- they never hired me, citing something about budgets or timing or whatever -- that offered me about five days worth of freelance work in the coming weeks, which i quickly snatched up. i went in yesterday for a full day, have three days lined up for next week and then one more the following week. and THEN, i got a call for a job i applied to weeks ago and forgot about. when the guy called me for an interview, i figured he was yet another recruiter from the agency and we began some weird dialogue that ended in confusion on both our parts. after i figured it out and apologized profusively, we set up an interview, and i interviewed. we'll see how that goes. and to top it off, i'm still working for my mistress zee, mostly from home, and that should continue for about another month. i see some 12-hour workdays in my future, but you know what, a 12-hour workday would do me good right about now.
let's hope this deluge of opportunities maintains, because i need to do some serious making up for the past few months of inactivity. the new year should also be the year of new stuffs, like new couches and possibly a new car, perhaps a new dog, a vacation to somewhere i've never been before. i've made a wish list that only keeps lengthening.
and this LA rain rocks, especially when you can work from home, as i have been doing. it's so toasty in my pad. i'm in my warm sweats and slippers, making homemade meals daily, taking all the breaks i want while still getting my work done. only problem is that it can get quiet and rather lonely. i'll traverse through my day all self-contained and isolated, barely uttering a word to anyone but juice. then the phone will ring in the evening and maybe it's a friend or my parents and suddenly, i'm either chewing their ear off or have forgotten how to form words altogether. i motormouth or bumble, depending on my caffiene intake.
so while working from home has its benefits, i find myself yearning for the office, at least a day or two a week. that would be my ideal situation because i am a social animal. yet i know that too many days in an office space would shrivel my soul into a little unhappy raisin. something about that flourescent lighting, that drone of computers, those same complacent faces day in and out -- ugh. i poopoo on that conformity. (though i fear i shall succumb one day.)
Friday, December 31, 2004
New Year's Greetings
consider this the virtual season's greetings card i meant to send you but never did:
happy new year from Juice and I to you and yours. may your 2005 be full of sunshine and rest. and remember to cherish each day you have and each person you care for because, as we've recently seen, it can all be swept away at any time. i hope health and happiness fill your life and home, now and always. maintain perspective, don't allow stress to get to you, and be kind to people you don't know. try to spend time with children. trust life. marvel at the universe. and smile more.
cheers.
Friday, December 24, 2004
Happy Hollow Days
actually, they haven't been too hollow. things have been just peachy lately -- and like a sweet, messy peach with no pit. peaches whose juices run down your chin when you bite into them. happy, blushing peaches covered in fuzz. downside is peaches are out of season right now, so my recent cravings for one will go unanswered.
anyhow, the good news is that i picked up some temp work that will last me through the end of the year and possibly into january, courtesy of my mistress Zee. so big thanks to Zee. i've spent the past week editing textbooks for high-schoolers and have occassionally written content. it's not bad at all -- like one very complicated jigsaw puzzle. i'm moving stuff around on the pages, checking everything against everything else, focusing on the minutiae.
and the best part is that i can relax a little about finances. so i've relaxed, perhaps too much. i've spent the past week dropping dimes on everything i've been meaning to buy but couldn't afford. i've also spent it seeing various friends who've popped into town for the hollow days. it's been pleasant, but hectic. i'm suddenly very, very busy. yesterday held breakfast with (college friend) greg in west hollywood, lunch with (high school) best friend jon-david in valencia, and dinner and drinks with (high school) friends raidis and ann in silverlake. it's been nonstop driving all around. today, i'm resting and will continue to rest until tuesday, which is when work resumes.
other than that, single life is good, good, good. it hasn't been hard to get used to. i cleaned my house from wall to wall, floor to ceiling -- washed that man right out of my hair and home. it was like a ritualistic cleansing, and i was a zen zombie. i've often thought of writing a book called 'the zen of housecleaning.' i really dig being in a clean environment and the satisfaction that comes from knowing i made it clean. call me crazy. (but don't call me to come clean your house, cus that ain't gonna happen.) so with my place all nice and tidy, i've been curling up on the couch nightly, juice across my lap, warm socks on my feet, and watching DVDs on my new 27-inch Panasonic television. oh yeah, that's another great thing that happened -- i found a 27-inch TV on craigslist, called the seller who happened to live nearby. she said someone was coming to look at the TV at noon; it was 11am, so i darted over there, jewed her down to 50 bucks, and hauled the TV out just as the other buyer pulled up to the curb, giving me the dirtiest of looks. but the best part is that i sold my old TV on craiglist -- a Sharp 20-incher that's gotta be 15 years old -- for 60 bucks to some LA transplant who didn't seem to know any better. so yeah, new TV for the new clean living room and the new single life.
i also bought new JBL computer speakers for half price on amazon, and i have a new part-time gig as an SAT tutor. so yes, new stuff all around for the impending new year. and speaking of the new year, i think i'm gonna try something new for that special evening. seems like many of my homies will be out of town when 2005 arrives, and instead of going to some packed club or finding some random party, i think i might just stay at home and smooch juice at midnight. it might sound loser, but it really appeals to me.
anyhow, the good news is that i picked up some temp work that will last me through the end of the year and possibly into january, courtesy of my mistress Zee. so big thanks to Zee. i've spent the past week editing textbooks for high-schoolers and have occassionally written content. it's not bad at all -- like one very complicated jigsaw puzzle. i'm moving stuff around on the pages, checking everything against everything else, focusing on the minutiae.
and the best part is that i can relax a little about finances. so i've relaxed, perhaps too much. i've spent the past week dropping dimes on everything i've been meaning to buy but couldn't afford. i've also spent it seeing various friends who've popped into town for the hollow days. it's been pleasant, but hectic. i'm suddenly very, very busy. yesterday held breakfast with (college friend) greg in west hollywood, lunch with (high school) best friend jon-david in valencia, and dinner and drinks with (high school) friends raidis and ann in silverlake. it's been nonstop driving all around. today, i'm resting and will continue to rest until tuesday, which is when work resumes.
other than that, single life is good, good, good. it hasn't been hard to get used to. i cleaned my house from wall to wall, floor to ceiling -- washed that man right out of my hair and home. it was like a ritualistic cleansing, and i was a zen zombie. i've often thought of writing a book called 'the zen of housecleaning.' i really dig being in a clean environment and the satisfaction that comes from knowing i made it clean. call me crazy. (but don't call me to come clean your house, cus that ain't gonna happen.) so with my place all nice and tidy, i've been curling up on the couch nightly, juice across my lap, warm socks on my feet, and watching DVDs on my new 27-inch Panasonic television. oh yeah, that's another great thing that happened -- i found a 27-inch TV on craigslist, called the seller who happened to live nearby. she said someone was coming to look at the TV at noon; it was 11am, so i darted over there, jewed her down to 50 bucks, and hauled the TV out just as the other buyer pulled up to the curb, giving me the dirtiest of looks. but the best part is that i sold my old TV on craiglist -- a Sharp 20-incher that's gotta be 15 years old -- for 60 bucks to some LA transplant who didn't seem to know any better. so yeah, new TV for the new clean living room and the new single life.
i also bought new JBL computer speakers for half price on amazon, and i have a new part-time gig as an SAT tutor. so yes, new stuff all around for the impending new year. and speaking of the new year, i think i'm gonna try something new for that special evening. seems like many of my homies will be out of town when 2005 arrives, and instead of going to some packed club or finding some random party, i think i might just stay at home and smooch juice at midnight. it might sound loser, but it really appeals to me.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Suddenly Single
since when: been almost a week, i guess. things fell apart last weekend during a saturday night birthday dinner at a nice restaurant. it was just the two of us at dinner thankfully, but i'm sure the waiter and some nearby patrons heard our bickering.
why: same reason that any couple breaks up, i suppose -- just not the right people for each other. it's that simple. there was no big drama. no cheating or anything inappropriate. we just found ourselves in too many petty arguments that seemed to spotlight our differences. and when we entered yet another one that night at dinner, i took it as an opportunity to do what i had been contemplating doing for weeks. luckily for both of us, he had moved into a new apartment just days earlier (another indication that our couplehood was nearing its end), so we retracted into our respective corners without much more fanfare.
him: i'm not going to badmouth him here. he doesn't deserve it, because he's truly a magnificent person. he's full of quality and goodness, and i value the past nine months with him. i think we both entered each others' lives at an important transitional time, giving each other just what we needed right when we needed it. but it wasn't something built to last, and i knew that from the get-go. he's still someone i cherish and want to always know. we're gonna do the friends thing, and i'm confident we can. we've since called a truce, unentangled all the belongings, and have exchanged many friendly emails.
how i am doing: just fine. i saw it coming this time. it was up to me this time. and given that i had anticipated this ending from the very beginning, i made sure to stay detached throughout. i was never really deeply, dumbly in love, though i was certainly smitten. there were good times, genuine laughs and smiles indeed. but it wasn't love the way i know it to be, the way i want it to be -- where you throw yourself entirely into the relationship and dissolve into the other person (at least in the beginning). it never approached that ardor, partially because of timing, but mostly because i knew in my bones that something else was up ahead for me. (and i think he'd agree that i was upfront about that from the beginning.) so considering all this, i'm not totally crushed. and it certainly doesn't resemble my last breakup, which felt like a nuclear bomb went off in my chest. it's still sad, of course. i feel like the Breakup Queen. this state is all too familiar to me. it's quiet now. the bed is cold. i get lonesome.
what i've learned: the gut doesn't lie. i can't accept a watered-down version of what i want. i won't supplant my needs just to soothe my loneliness. and despite my newfound relationship baggage, i'm still fairly secure in who i am as a person. i'm not all that dysfunctional or co-dependent. i still feel empowered and independent, certainly wiser, definitely stronger. up on the dry-erase board now: the only constant is change.
what's next: i'm going to do something completely radical, something i've never really done before -- be comfortable being alone. this will be a test for me, but i feel like i'm finally ready to embrace it. ever since i began dating some 12 years ago, i've been a serial monogamist, with episodes of sluttiness dispersed in between. there's never been too long a stretch where it was just me. well, now's the time to take the energy that (i've let) boys consume and focus it inward, channel it outward into achieving my goals. i can't allow myself to get off track. my time is now. so no new harems anytime soon. instead, get thee to a nunnery. i know it will be tough, this celibacy. i'm like a guy that way. i schwing. i'm a sucker for a pretty face, a nice smile, broad shoulders, soccer thighs. i always do a double-take when i see a tall, dark-haired man with olive skin walk by. i get distracted by soft hands and full lips. i start to crave the electricity that only touching brings. hmmmm, soccer thighs. i mean, celibacy, yeah. i'm gonna try that. try. coy is the new cool.
so, in a nutshell, i'm ok, really. this is the best thing for me. it's the start of a new year, new season, new chapter. it's growth. it's constructive. and it's welcome.
why: same reason that any couple breaks up, i suppose -- just not the right people for each other. it's that simple. there was no big drama. no cheating or anything inappropriate. we just found ourselves in too many petty arguments that seemed to spotlight our differences. and when we entered yet another one that night at dinner, i took it as an opportunity to do what i had been contemplating doing for weeks. luckily for both of us, he had moved into a new apartment just days earlier (another indication that our couplehood was nearing its end), so we retracted into our respective corners without much more fanfare.
him: i'm not going to badmouth him here. he doesn't deserve it, because he's truly a magnificent person. he's full of quality and goodness, and i value the past nine months with him. i think we both entered each others' lives at an important transitional time, giving each other just what we needed right when we needed it. but it wasn't something built to last, and i knew that from the get-go. he's still someone i cherish and want to always know. we're gonna do the friends thing, and i'm confident we can. we've since called a truce, unentangled all the belongings, and have exchanged many friendly emails.
how i am doing: just fine. i saw it coming this time. it was up to me this time. and given that i had anticipated this ending from the very beginning, i made sure to stay detached throughout. i was never really deeply, dumbly in love, though i was certainly smitten. there were good times, genuine laughs and smiles indeed. but it wasn't love the way i know it to be, the way i want it to be -- where you throw yourself entirely into the relationship and dissolve into the other person (at least in the beginning). it never approached that ardor, partially because of timing, but mostly because i knew in my bones that something else was up ahead for me. (and i think he'd agree that i was upfront about that from the beginning.) so considering all this, i'm not totally crushed. and it certainly doesn't resemble my last breakup, which felt like a nuclear bomb went off in my chest. it's still sad, of course. i feel like the Breakup Queen. this state is all too familiar to me. it's quiet now. the bed is cold. i get lonesome.
what i've learned: the gut doesn't lie. i can't accept a watered-down version of what i want. i won't supplant my needs just to soothe my loneliness. and despite my newfound relationship baggage, i'm still fairly secure in who i am as a person. i'm not all that dysfunctional or co-dependent. i still feel empowered and independent, certainly wiser, definitely stronger. up on the dry-erase board now: the only constant is change.
what's next: i'm going to do something completely radical, something i've never really done before -- be comfortable being alone. this will be a test for me, but i feel like i'm finally ready to embrace it. ever since i began dating some 12 years ago, i've been a serial monogamist, with episodes of sluttiness dispersed in between. there's never been too long a stretch where it was just me. well, now's the time to take the energy that (i've let) boys consume and focus it inward, channel it outward into achieving my goals. i can't allow myself to get off track. my time is now. so no new harems anytime soon. instead, get thee to a nunnery. i know it will be tough, this celibacy. i'm like a guy that way. i schwing. i'm a sucker for a pretty face, a nice smile, broad shoulders, soccer thighs. i always do a double-take when i see a tall, dark-haired man with olive skin walk by. i get distracted by soft hands and full lips. i start to crave the electricity that only touching brings. hmmmm, soccer thighs. i mean, celibacy, yeah. i'm gonna try that. try. coy is the new cool.
so, in a nutshell, i'm ok, really. this is the best thing for me. it's the start of a new year, new season, new chapter. it's growth. it's constructive. and it's welcome.
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