I'm Such a Bitch

check out these notes that recently found their way into my personals inbox, neither of which will get a response. this one's easily the longest introductory note i've ever seen:

I'm suffering an incurable bout of insomnia, as I am in Barcelona. I've wandered and wandered this city. It's amazing, but, alas, my feet are hurting, so I thought I would wander the available women on this here site...The tiles on the streets have seashells, and spirals.

Forgive my sales pitc/boite/hyperbole:

Going through a laundry list of my qualities I don't think means much in this environment (responding to an ad on the internet). However, with the types of people that are out there looking, I guess there is some need for it, so here it goes.

I shave my head because I am bald (the modern comb-over, i guess), blue eyes, very long eyelashes and live near the beach. I am not a skinny chap, however, I have lost over 50lbs in the last year, and am finally happy with my weight. I work out at least 3x a week.

I am a consultant for internet content companies, I help them make sense of their internet presence. I also am a photographer, and am slowly transitioning out of the internet game, into a career as a fine art photographer. I shoot as much as I can and you can often find me in the darkroom.

I also love food and wine, and love to cook not for, but, WITH someone whom I care about. For me thhis is the ultimate in collaboration, working sans recipes and only having an idea of what you want for dinner. Going to the farmer's market, fiding the perfect piece of fish and the right veggies to go with it, going home, beginning the slow cook and perhaps a museum or a nice walk, coming home and finishing this perfect dinner with the perfect wine and great conversation, sounds like a perfect day to me.

I am 32. I am originally from Nebraska, where I grew up in a very interesting and strange community.

I prefer walks at sunset to bar hopping on Sunset. That isn't to say, that I don't love getting dressed up to go out for a nice dinner, a movie or great play/show, people recently have begun calling me fancy pants. I am learning to be confident and comfortable with myself and have begun to grow past all the mental games I played with myself and others until recently.

I am looking for a person who I can establish a wonderful healthy relationship based on trust, honor and respect. Most importantly, I recognize that in order to be respected I must treat people and live in a way that deserves respect. I would rather search for a life trying to build a relationship rather then stroking my own ego.

I am very real, genuine and caring. I would consider myself very well-rounded. If you want to know more, I would love to share! I enjoy the simple things in life and do not define myself by fleeting things that come and go.

Look forward to hearing from you!

Blue Flowers,
D.

this is a poem from aforementioned poetry-soul man. i did indeed ask him for one after all. it's kind of cute in an amateurish, high-school sort of way:

"The Darkness You Deny"

I say there's a darkness I see in you.
You say I must be mistaken.
Just look at the marvelous life I lead.
Can't you see the path I've taken?
But I say that your darkness still shines through,
It can't be so easily hidden.
You say that your darkness has all gone away,
That your sins have all been forgiven.
But you're wrong, I say, to feel this way.
The darkness is nothing to run from.
It is the force that liberates -
Replaces ignorance with freedom.
You seek the light, you tell me,
For that is the only worthy goal.
But I say to you, without the dark
You have but half a soul,
For in the darkness is the power
That propels a holy wrath,
And in the black pit of the soul
Is where you must create your path.
So do not hide in pretty thoughts.
Remember the thorns with your roses.
Sit and quietly contemplate
The beauty the darkness composes.

will i be struck by lightning for this? i feel a little guilty for ridiculing all these guys (but not that guilty). but i suppose hell hath no fury...

Date From Hell #1

hopefully, there won't be too many more of these, but i figured i would quantify them. i should have know better, of course, as this was the guy who stood me up before. if that's not a red flag, i don't know what is, but i've always had a thing for scorpios and he was all kinds of apologetic and "give me a second chance, baby" and so forth, and i am actually a believer in second chances (though not third ones), so i acquiesced.

he (T.) was late, i was annoyed. and when he arrived he said i didn't give him the correct directions to the bar, which was bullshit, and i told him i could prove i did since i save all my chatroom exchanges. he freaked out and asked why i saved them. on a whim i said i was writing a book on internet dating, which i have been considering, and he freaked out even more.

moving on, we moved to drinks and stilted conversation which saw him going off on boring tangents about his own life. i listened as much as i could, chirping in here and there, but nothing he said really piqued my interest. at some point, i casually mentioned that i had a bowl at home which i had planned to smoke while watching 'school of rock' and hanging out with juice. (those were the evening plans he railroaded.) he then becomes convinced that we must go back to my place and smoke it and tries to convince me of this new plan. not a chance in hell.

then the conversation veers toward current events, namely the kobe bryant rape trial. can you guess where this is heading? we begin to argue, him saying the accuser was some slut who went up to his room so she knew what she was getting herself into, while i say that she could have been walking around naked in the locker room and that still doesn't give him the right to rape her. now i don't purport to know what really happened, no one can, but just the fact that he was saying she must be lying "because women lie about these things" got my engine going, and i was ready for war. we bandied it back and forth, him talking about her character and me saying that character has little to do with crime. and then when the character conversation took us to the gropinator, cali's new governor, things really went to hell.

he was convinced that all the groping accusations were no big deal, so i said i hope that he one day experiences the 'no big deal' of an enormous man grabbing his nuts without warning or invite. "feel the humiliation and violation that comes with that and then tell me it's no big deal," i told him, my eyes now fiery and my speech peppered with expletives. i also told him i hope he gets himself into a hairy mess one day, where a dick gets shoved up his ass and no one will believe him.

he then said that arnold was a shithead anyway because he couldn't speak english properly, which must make him stupid. "why can't he just get rid of his accent like actors like russell crowe can when he does movies?" whaaa? i mean, to connect an accent with IQ was the stupidiest thing i've ever heard of, and i told him so. "besides, english wasn't arnold's first language, like it was russell crowe's. it makes a difference in accent reduction." what a fucking idiot.

so then he lost his keys for some reason after both of us lost our tempers, our voices rising in the bar, though it never turned into a nasty scene. once he found his keys again, we exited the bar, looked at each other briefly, scowls on our faces, before simply walking in opposite directions without another word exchanged.

i came home, smoked my bowl and watched 'school of rock' with juice, as i should have done from the get-go. i don't regret the night, though. it will make a great story for my book.

Climbed a Mountain and You Turned Around

i've been so lazy lately and loving it. trying to enjoy the last few moments of my freedom before the end-of-the-semester shit storm hits. i have three major assignments due, none of which i've been taking too seriously, and one of which is due this monday. work hasn't been making much of an impact either -- with the occasional theater review written for NoHo>LA and the occasion work day with the dorks in culver city. so this leaves me with plenty of free time to...

• last tuesday's date was postponed due to scheduling conflicts on his end, moved to next monday. he will be the fifth first date.


• met O. on wednesday night (date #4), and that wasn't too shabby. there's minor chemistry there. highlights include some awkward pauses in the conversation, him telling me i was "a hard nut to crack," finding out i went to high school with his sister, and a goodnight salutation that was very promising. we meet again next thursday.


• met W. again for lunch, date #3 from last week, and that was just lovely. i sincerely do like the person he is, and we have fabulous conversation and connection. it feels very relaxed. but, sadly, there's no animal magnetism on my end, as much as i wish there were since the guy is great. he's definite friend fodder, and i hope we can evolve there naturally.


• might have one other date lined up for next week, though i'd rather hold off and keep it at two dates a week. again, the life stories get too confusing to juggle any more. i guess i won't be going out with chris after all and that saddens me deeply (sarcasm).


• got about four or five other guys in the pipeline, so there aren't many dull moments in this wacky world of internet dating. i'm still amused by it all, as i was when i recently checked my inbox at the personals site and saw a message from new guy "PoetsSoul." i almost peed my pants laughing. of course he took himself all seriously, talking about the many "stacks of papers" his poetry takes up. i almost thought of asking him for a poem (so i could post it up here, of course), but thought better of it when i saw his photo and that he lived in west covina.

otherwise, things have been ok on my end. i had a few very low days awhile back where i sat around downing wine, smoking cigarettes (yes, i began again), and listening to friggin 'landslide.' i began to sink a little and feel too much. but the last few days have been more positive, upbeat. i know time has a way of making miracles happen, and i'll be patient.

Dating Supermachine

look at me procrastinating! my poor spring break is crawling away from me and i have nothing to show for it. well, my place is very close to done, so not exactly nothing. i'll post some digital pix of it up here when it's fully presentable.

now onward with the dating updates:

• in reference to that date i mentioned in the last post, i got stood up! the nerve of some people. i guess it's just an occupational hazard of sorts, but it was rude, and i shot the dude off a nasty email telling him so. haven't heard from him, so that's the end of that one.


• another dude, chris, so smartly googled my name when i sent him a link to an article i wrote and actually found this blog, sending me the funniest email in response. here's a snippet:
  
  Your "hook" is..."I'm smarter than you." Funny, witty, flirty, you know?
  You can't take it on face value. You've even said....nope, I'm just dumb
  and sober....knowing that you are now being sarcastic and probably still do
  believe in your intellectual superiority.
  
  You even send me a link to an article that you've written, which I enjoyed.
  Reviewing gay porn has always been an honorable profession in my book. For
  real.
  
  Your name is on the article. First impulse...check google to find more
  articles written by you.
  
  Wait a minute, the Milla Times?
  
  You know where this email is heading at this point. I bet even you have a
  weird squeamish feeling right now too.
  
  All I got to say is "God, I hope I can be in the rotating harem." Please
  please please!!!!!
  
  (an aside: the tagline to my profile reads "i'm smarter than you," and i've gotten a cavalcade of responses from seemingly insecure men who ask "how do you know you're smarter than me if you've never even met me?" or "i don't think you're smarter than me, but we'll see about that." lame. sense of humor, please. i'm not sure why these guys are taking it as such a personal affront, but without fail, it's the lede in every response i get. on some levels it's working out well, as the calibur of men coming my way seem more interesting than before. but for others, it just overshadows the entire interaction as if it's some competition, evidenced by chris who signed his email "i'm smarter than you, chris." good job, chris, let's all congratulate him on his fancy detective work. given that it has happened before, i knew it wasn't out of the realm of possibilities when i sent him my article, but he probably won't believe that since he's so much smarter than i am. and if you're reading this, chris -- and i know that you are -- welcome to the yard where the big dogs play. but beware the alpha bitch. she bites.)


• last night, i had a date with, let's refer to him just as w., and it wasn't a bad date. another could be better, could be worse date. yes, still too short for my taste, cute in a boyish way when i'd rather have hot in a manly way, but he wasn't too bad. a sensitive cancer type and i do love my fellow crabs. i'm a bit on the fence about a second date, but he offered to cook me dinner, so it's likely.


• i have another date with a brand new guy on tuesday, and hopefully i can get one more lined up for next week. the biggest problem i've been having is keeping all their stories straight. i'm juggling about half a dozen in various stages of the getting-to-know-you process. i think i'm talking to so and so from that and this, when it's really so and so from this and that. i get my facts fumbled all the time; even their names are hard to keep straight. i was calling paul 'peter' for the longest time, and their professions, hometowns, life stories -- damn, it's hard to listen when you really don't care. now i know what men must go through.


• here's another bit of my profile: WHY YOU SHOULD GET TO KNOW ME: Because I'm a firecracker. Because you want to find out if I'm really smarter than you. Because I'm silent when I listen and insightful when I speak. Because I hate drama but love intensity. Because I'm generous with my affection, and my compliments, though rare, are sincere. Because I can drink you under the table and write you a poem, maybe in the same night. And, finally, because I have a great rack.

Happenings

so what the hell's been up? well, a little of everything lately. the best news is that i'm on spring break all this week, though i have to work on that story i mentioned a few posts back in addition to working on my other classes, so it isn't that much of a break. at least i'll have more time to catch up on sleep and work on my house, which is finally coming together with furniture in the living room and bookshelves in the bedroom. anyone who wants to donate some healthy plants to my abode, please contact me.

and as far as the harem goes, all i can say is Rome wasn't built in a day. it often takes weeks for things to materialize, between the first contact and first meeting. the protocol, i've discovered, involves (in this order) several email exchanges, chatting via a messenger service, a few phone calls and then meeting at the bar for drinks. (i'm trying to expedite the process by cutting out the phone calls altogether.) along the way, people have a way of dropping off -- sometimes me, sometimes them -- when the idea of the other person loses its luster. i've abruptly stopped corresponding with guys when they've sent me a new photo in which i found them particularly ugly. maybe that's why some have stopped responding to me as well. who knows? but, like buses, there's always another one on the way.

nothing substantial ended up happening with the first guy i went out. we did engage in a little chatting post-date that went a little haywire. he started up with the same line of lewd commentary he pulled the night i met him when he begged me to take him home with me (which i didn't do, mind you). i suggested he show a little more class through gentle ribbing, and he got all huffy and defensive. it was strange because it didn't have to escalate, but the tone turned argumentative and i tuned out. that was the end of that.

i also met a second dude late last week, but unfortunately, he didn't interest me on any level -- not physically, mentally nor intellectually. and again, he was fucking short, maybe 5'9" though his profile said 5'11". if girls lie about their weight, guys lie about their height. plus, he was boring, but i caught a nice buzz off the drinks he kept buying me, so the night wasn't an entire wash. i have a date tomorrow night with a brand new dude who says he's 5'11". we'll see about that.

and kudos to jeremy and jenny, my fellow copy editors who pointed out that the definition of a "harem" is specific to a sheik and his brood. obviously, mine is a 21st century harem with a chick sheik -- a chic sheik! -- at its center.

I Left My Heart In...

that's right. i paid a little visit to my favorite city by the bay last weekend, and now have an exciting photo essay to share. as always, it's lovely being there and i can't deny that i'm crazy tempted to move back, especially now. i just might one day soon. the weather was so agreeable, i even got some color and went without a jacket. here are some choice snapshots of my fabulous weekend.


a pretty good view of the transamerica tower in downtown SF. right behind it is the bay bridge that separates east bay from the city. oakland lies just beyond.


a closer view of the transamerica tower.


my girl sharon lounging just before we headed out on friday night.


my bitches: sharon and demetria


a view up one of north beach's several scenic streets.


my favorite negative example, jeremy, who also happens to be my former boss and good friend. he kindly met me for lunch on saturday and accompanied me on my shopping spree through chinatown.


how much is that duckie in the window? meats galore in chinatown.


andy gladly demonstrating much of what we spent doing all weekend.


Dee and Me


barflies: Dee, Andy and Me


Me and Andy tired after a night of partying in the city.

that's it, folks. my parents gifted me their old digital camera so i'll be putting snapshots up here more regularly. my plan is to make it back to SF shortly after graduation in may for more fun in the sun.

The Date

(if you're just joining us, please read the previous post before proceeding.)

it wasn't too bad -- could have been worse, i'm sure, also could have been better. after a slightly awkward start, i progressively became more comfortable and began to enjoy things. the guy was nice, intelligent, often funny, conversation easily flowed. he's a recent LA transplant from the east coast, spent the last two years teaching english in romania, spent 12 years as a latin teacher in the states. he's 36, a brown graduate, cute in a boyish way, very worldly, but SHORT. too short for my taste at 5'9". i like my heels and platform shoes, and with them on, we're eye to eye. (a 6'5" man like my last one is waaay sexier.) i tried to snap a digital photo of him to post up here, but he wouldn't go for it. i need to keep this blog secret from the dudes. one guy i was chatting with actually found it by googling my name, and i don't want that to happen again. first names only from here on out.

and the guys -- there are so many, it's crazy. didn't realize how much dick was out there. i get new responses to my profile every day. i've already struck up email exchanges with a half dozen of them. some have been interesting, others less so. one dude from the other night actually told me he hadn't been laid in two years. guys, this is something you should NOT share with a woman you hardly know and are (presumably) trying to impress. because women do indeed judge men by the women who surround them, and if no woman surrounded this man in two years, chances are that i won't want to either. he then asked me how i felt about porn and gave me the not-so-subtle impression that he was OBSESSED with it. the conversation ended shortly thereafter.

but back to the others. there are lots to choose from and i've decided to spread myself thin. (indeed, from carrie to samantha, z.) i'm thinking i need to create a harem for myself, find a handful of fun and interesting guys to put into rotation. the guy from last night could be a contender. no committments, low-maintenance, no big and complicated feelings, no boyfriends. that's what i envision for myself this year. fuck you, if you judge me. this is my show, and after spending 10 years in unsuccessful and uneventful relationships, my only concern will (finally) be about pleasing myself.

in regard to my profile (ok, it's on nerve personals), here's a snippet: MORE ABOUT WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR: Someone with a strong sense of self. Someone who can laugh at himself. Someone who knows what he's doing in the boardroom, bedroom and kitchen.

maybe i should put something in there about height?

Men & Money

i have neither and want both. last week was miserable for dough, as the brakes on my car went out on the way to campus, forcing me to pull into a firestone for $550 worth of repairs. then pablo calls me a few days later to tell me about the bill he got for my cell phone, which i've been using nonstop for the past month: $350. now, of course, this is money i don't have, and which, if i did have, i would use to furnish my barren living room, with its boxes still piled high in the corners.

i've been here a month now, i just paid rent today (another $1,150, all me). seems like the first time i can say a month passed slowly, but i really felt the hours in each day. i'm still trying to sort my shit out, externally and internally. working on it, trying to be all zen, accepting everything without judgment. sometimes i get further than i thought i would, but it's a painstakingly long process. i also have a lot of anger, which i need to process.

i'm proud of myself, though, if i may say. years and years ago, i would have handled things much differently, more recklessly -- been more self-destructive, found solace in a bottle, a little baggy of herb or powder, had unprotected sex with strangers. i didn't give a shit about myself then. the years of self-development and yoga have been good to me, however. i'm more centered, have good perspective, feel strong inside. doesn't mean i don't have my nights when i dust off a full bottle of wine all by lonesome, but that's not every night. and i very much enjoy living alone. true, i get lonely at times, but i deal with it.

which brings me to my next point: dating. i put an online profile out there, somewhere, and i've gotten a few responses. i actually have my first sort-of date tonight. eeeck! just drinks, but it feels completely strange, nerve wracking. and it's not because i like the guy -- truthfully, i couldn't give a shit -- but just the idea of playing the game, doing the mating dance feels so foreign (and a little exciting). i've allowed only one man to touch me in the last four years, so the thought of even letting someone take my hand makes me uneasy. but i'm sure the drinks will help me relax.

i'm obviously not open to crazy entanglements or great affairs -- that is without question. it's more dating for sport, not for love. wanna see what's out there, how it's done, have some fun while still nursing my broken heart. hopefully, it'll be a pleasant distraction, and it could make reading this blog much more enjoyable for you guys, as i'll be sure to report my happenings here. i know i probably should wait a little longer before dipping my toe in the pool, but what the hell? i want to enjoy myself again, i want to feel like a woman. i'm tired of sulking around at home, feeling pathetic.

from 'mary tyler moore' to 'sex and the city.' i'm carrie bradshaw in los angeles, this is my column. i'll take over where she left off.