Monday, March 01, 2004

Men & Money

i have neither and want both. last week was miserable for dough, as the brakes on my car went out on the way to campus, forcing me to pull into a firestone for $550 worth of repairs. then pablo calls me a few days later to tell me about the bill he got for my cell phone, which i've been using nonstop for the past month: $350. now, of course, this is money i don't have, and which, if i did have, i would use to furnish my barren living room, with its boxes still piled high in the corners.

i've been here a month now, i just paid rent today (another $1,150, all me). seems like the first time i can say a month passed slowly, but i really felt the hours in each day. i'm still trying to sort my shit out, externally and internally. working on it, trying to be all zen, accepting everything without judgment. sometimes i get further than i thought i would, but it's a painstakingly long process. i also have a lot of anger, which i need to process.

i'm proud of myself, though, if i may say. years and years ago, i would have handled things much differently, more recklessly -- been more self-destructive, found solace in a bottle, a little baggy of herb or powder, had unprotected sex with strangers. i didn't give a shit about myself then. the years of self-development and yoga have been good to me, however. i'm more centered, have good perspective, feel strong inside. doesn't mean i don't have my nights when i dust off a full bottle of wine all by lonesome, but that's not every night. and i very much enjoy living alone. true, i get lonely at times, but i deal with it.

which brings me to my next point: dating. i put an online profile out there, somewhere, and i've gotten a few responses. i actually have my first sort-of date tonight. eeeck! just drinks, but it feels completely strange, nerve wracking. and it's not because i like the guy -- truthfully, i couldn't give a shit -- but just the idea of playing the game, doing the mating dance feels so foreign (and a little exciting). i've allowed only one man to touch me in the last four years, so the thought of even letting someone take my hand makes me uneasy. but i'm sure the drinks will help me relax.

i'm obviously not open to crazy entanglements or great affairs -- that is without question. it's more dating for sport, not for love. wanna see what's out there, how it's done, have some fun while still nursing my broken heart. hopefully, it'll be a pleasant distraction, and it could make reading this blog much more enjoyable for you guys, as i'll be sure to report my happenings here. i know i probably should wait a little longer before dipping my toe in the pool, but what the hell? i want to enjoy myself again, i want to feel like a woman. i'm tired of sulking around at home, feeling pathetic.

from 'mary tyler moore' to 'sex and the city.' i'm carrie bradshaw in los angeles, this is my column. i'll take over where she left off.

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